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Original poster

If you were planning to spend Christmas with vulnerable relatives, are you still going ahead?

75 replies

MyCatHatesPCRTests · 15/12/2021 21:01

Just that, really. We have a dilemma on our hands as we were due to spend Christmas with my family, staying with my DPs, one of whom is extremely vulnerable to Covid. They are both fully vaccinated and had boosters a while ago. We are both fully vaccinated and will be boosted by then but only recently so probably not fully effective. One school-aged child, one preschooler in a very small childcare setting. After tomorrow, we are both either WFH or on leave.

I am swinging between pulling DC1 out of school and us all doing LFTs before going up there on Christmas Eve, and thinking we should just postpone until New Year.

The CEV DP gets to call the shots, obviously, and is very twitchy about catching it from DC1 (rightly so as there has been at least one confirmed case in his class this week). They will be really upset if we don’t go, but at the same time they are understandably terrified of catching Covid and question how protected they are from the vaccine.

The distance is such that we have to stay with them and there is no way they’ll distance from the kids.

What are others doing in this kind of situation? Cancelling? Postponing? Daily LFTs and doing it anyway?

OP posts:
HelloMissus · 16/12/2021 09:26

I’ll be seeing my mum and aunties all in their 80s.
They’ve made the choice which I perfectly understand.
Long lives filled with much experience and yes, tragedy, have made them pragmatic tough old birds.

Signalbox · 16/12/2021 10:17

On the one hand, I couldn’t forgive myself if we infected them.

I think if you genuinely don't think you could forgive yourself if the worst happens then it might be better not to mix with vulnerable people.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 16/12/2021 11:42

Yes because they still want to come and I've left the decision to them.

CharSiu · 16/12/2021 12:36

80 year old MIL, big distance so has to stay. DH will be WFH from Monday, he unfortunately has to go in this Friday to do an experiment and has booked the whole lab but all Undergraduate students are off campus now and it’s quiet. DS works and his GF is at University and also working. We will do LFT before he goes to collect her. But as the situation seems to be escalating a proper chat on the phone this weekend. She is incredibly fit and now healthy for her age, she taught yoga and only retired five years ago.

NMC2022 Sorry to hear that, a restaurant is especially out of your control completely more so than something at home so I fully understand your position.

Original poster
MyCatHatesPCRTests · 16/12/2021 15:12

@MerryMarigold, annoyingly DC1 is supposed to be in school until Tuesday. Which would not be compatible, in my mind, with visiting for Christmas. We need to make a decision by Friday as it will affect DC1’s weekend activities as well, and if we’re going ahead we will be doing our best to avoid indoor places, though will have to do some food shopping unless I can get a delivery (unlikely at such short notice).

The less vulnerable DP thinks we should pull DC1 out of school on Friday, avoid indoor places as much as is practical, test, and come on Thursday. The more vulnerable DP sways between feeling the same way and thinking we should postpone for New Year.

I just don’t know what to do. I mean, we can’t eradicate the risk completely but would feel very guilty if my DPs caught it from us.

As for “probably shouldn’t be mixing with vulnerable people” - well, we’ve had to make difficult decisions about this throughout the pandemic (and before when vulnerable DP was going through chemo): it’s not that simple and it’s not just about my perfectly understandable anxiety. There might not be another Christmas for this DP to spend with our DCs and I suspect we’re only halfway through this pandemic. Equally, they’ve remained Covid-free so far and I’d like to keep it that way.

OP posts:
IgneousRock · 16/12/2021 15:21

We are hosting this year. We haven't cancelled but we're leaving it entirely up to the vulnerable family member as to whether they would like to join us.

thewhatsit · 16/12/2021 15:27

All of the people we may see are still capable of deciding for themselves so that’s what we’ll do.

thewhatsit · 16/12/2021 15:31

@MyCatHatesPCRTests I’m not sure it’s really fair on you and your DC for your parents even to have different opinions and it will make you feel like you are in the middle. They need to decide between themselves what they think and come to you with that when they’ve made a decision.

CrispsnDips · 16/12/2021 15:35

I think decide this time next week …lots of people are tying themselves up in knots about what they need to do, just breathe and leave the decision until later ….

Signalbox · 16/12/2021 15:35

As for “probably shouldn’t be mixing with vulnerable people” - well, we’ve had to make difficult decisions about this throughout the pandemic (and before when vulnerable DP was going through chemo): it’s not that simple and it’s not just about my perfectly understandable anxiety.

I don't know if this was aimed at me. I didn't say you "probably shouldn't be mixing with vulnerable people" I said "if you genuinely don't think you could forgive yourself if the worst happens then it might be better not to mix with vulnerable people" which has quite a different meaning.

Atmywitsend29 · 16/12/2021 15:41

On the one hand, I still want to see MIL. For background she is in her 60s, DH is just 30 and his much younger brother died a couple of days ago. She's alone now and grieving.
DH and I are both double jabbed, I am PCR weekly and lft twice a week. There are currently no kids in DS class off with COVID. I want MIL to still come to us, we can lft every day between now and Christmas.

That all said, alot can change in a week.

Wintersnuggles10 · 16/12/2021 15:59

I think that you need to let your parents decide. Last Xmas was affected so much and there has been so much time lost for loved ones to see each other over the past 2 years.
Keep testing before you go and if all negative I would relax and enjoy spending time together.

My son has Just had covid, we didn't catch it from him. Now my daughter has a sick bug, praying we don't catch that either. Spoke to my mum this morning and she basically told me that if we couldn't see her on Xmas day she'd be suicidal. Covid has affected her so much, she is so scared of catching it. But seeing us is more important to her than anything else. Be guided by what they want

Original poster
MyCatHatesPCRTests · 16/12/2021 16:37

@Signalbox, sorry, I’m sure that sounded snippier than I intended it to. It’s true that I would feel incredibly guilty if we gave my DPs Covid. Hence I want to make sure that if we do go, we’ve taken all reasonable precautions to prevent that happening and the DPs get the casting vote. As long as everyone is on the same page, then it becomes a shared responsibility.

All my family have different reasons for being vulnerable at the moment. As I’m sure is the case for many people, the whole pandemic has had a shitty effect on our relationships and ease of spending time with each other.

@thewhatsit, chance would be a fine thing.Hmm The DP who is most vulnerable doesn’t like making decisions, least of all difficult ones, so will be looking for someone to make it for them if at all possible.

OP posts:
escapingthecity · 16/12/2021 16:42

I know a lot of people saying they won't let elderly relatives in particular be alone again this Christmas, no matter what. The impact of loneliness and crushed hope is not to be discounted I think.

BeyondMyWits · 16/12/2021 16:58

MIL is 89 with fairly advanced dementia. She is desperate to spend Christmas with us, desperately lonely, despite many visits (which she doesn't remember).

We won't deny her, we also won't be sitting with the windows open, we will try to have a "normal" Christmas and hope like hell we all come through it.

Volterra · 16/12/2021 17:04

Yes at the moment but if anyone tests positive before next Wednesday then no. Dad is mid 80s and made decision he doesn’t want to stop doing things anymore and I understand that.

TeloMere · 16/12/2021 17:16

My grandmother, in her 90's and lives alone, told me she's glad to be able to use covid as an excuse to stop people bringing all their kids to visit! She'll be buying herself loads of Christmas food and treats online and will be quite happy with her iPad and Netflix.

Signalbox · 16/12/2021 18:09

Signalbox, sorry, I’m sure that sounded snippier than I intended it to. It’s true that I would feel incredibly guilty if we gave my DPs Covid. Hence I want to make sure that if we do go, we’ve taken all reasonable precautions to prevent that happening and the DPs get the casting vote. As long as everyone is on the same page, then it becomes a shared responsibility

No worries my post was probably a bit blunt. It's definitely good to think of it as shared responsibility if everyone is happy and consenting and understands there is still a small risk despite all the precautions.

Flaxmeadow · 16/12/2021 18:30

No.

DontPeeInThePlayHouse · 16/12/2021 18:35

We doubted our plans for the weekend to see grandparents, but rang to discuss and they are adamant plans continue. We'll do LF and be as safe as possible but tbh they're getting on and if we skip another year there might not be one in the future. We left it to their choice as they're the ones at risk.

theemperorhasnoclothes · 16/12/2021 18:38

I have a very vulnerable DP. I have decided to wait until New Year and basically isolate once both kids out of school (and we're pulling the primary one out a few days early so they both finish on the same day), we'll be having everything delivered. We'll be doing bracing outside walks, lots of baking, crafts, games etc, Xmas by ourselves and then go to visit once the 10 days are up (fortunately I can work from my parents as WFH and part time).

It looks like it might just be us going too, as DH can't seem to get a booster before his appointment of 30th Dec which is pretty much exactly 6 months after his second dose, which is a bit sad (so much for get boosted now - trying - chance would be a fine thing - all the walk-in centres seem to have closed! ).

I've just decided it's not worth the risk. And in fact, if hospitals get overwhelmed, the kids giving anything to very vulnerable DP, not just covid, could end up being fatal (not to put too fine a point on it) and I don't think I could live with myself. Isolating seems the only thing to do, really. They desperately want to see the grandkids. :(

Chakraleaf · 16/12/2021 18:48

Not seeing my nan unfortunately :(

Plantsandpuddlesuits · 16/12/2021 18:55

We are seeing cev family outside. Walk around a national trust type place, takeaway hot chocolate etc

Kingsmede · 16/12/2021 19:25

Only outside. One of us with each set of parents. My DP will travel to his Christmas Day and back (6 hour round trip).

I'm not well and have waited since Monday for PCR results.

Colleagues of mine have been a bit 'off' for 9/10 days, all LFT's and a PCR negative...until now and a positive test.

I work with schools I just can't risk it.

My dad is too vulnerable to put him at risk.

Mumwithbaggage · 21/12/2021 10:30

Broke my heart that 93 yo dad was on his own last Christmas. I was isolating. Ds and his gf took over food. Dad already hasn't seen his wife for nearly 2 years as he came back from France just before the first lockdown.

His choice - he is so lonely. I've given up working in school right now so should feel safer seeing him.

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