Christmas Dilemma

[CorsicaDreaming]

I have been going round around about this for over a week and feel I can't think straight now so would like some objective views on it.

My Mum is 80 and lives 6 miles away from my brother and his family. We live 200 miles away from them.

Plan had been we will go up for Christmas and all stay at old family home over three days.

Then my SIL got told she was moving to the Covid ward (she is a nurse))

Then about ten days ago my nephew got a ping for close contact Covid, took the PCR on that Thursday, but my brother did not tell my mum and nephew spent two hours decorating Christmas tree at Mum’s without telling her. Then was found to have Covid on the Sunday . We spent a week worrying she had got it off him. Luckily she hasn't. She is vaxxed. But I am very angry with my brother for risking this and I haven't been able to talk to him since because I know I will just shout at him...

Then my mum told me that the sister-in-law has said she wants her niece to also come for Christmas who is a student in London and will otherwise be completely on her own for Christmas (she is from overseas and can't get home).

I have suggested to mum that we go up and spend Christmas with her at hers, just us - they spend Christmas at theirs. This way reduces the risk as we are fairly low risk. My mum said she had Christmas with us last year (bubble as she is alone) so this wouldn't be fair on my brother… I've also offered to drive up, get her, and bring her back to ours.

I don't know what to do.
Do we go up anyway and hope for the best?
Do we not go up and leave them to it?

I'm fairly risk averse about Covid myself because of health issues including asthma and previous pneumonia but accept I'm v much on cautious side. My mum is far more robust about risk and would still ideally like all to go up and be there, all together - but I just feel very stressed at that prospect at the moment

Any advice would be really gratefully received.

Please be kind it is really stressing me out at the moment.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Her dh is immediate family. Not his vulnerable dm.

And the OP's mum has invited her daughter in law for Christmas with her immediate family. The OP's mum needs to make her own decisions about risk, just like the OP needs to do for herself.

Surely it's your mum's decision and no-one else's? Maybe you and your health anxiety should stay put at Christmas and let everyone else get on with the business of living.

@Requestit

I get you’re anxious about the risks. But I’d really try to gage what your mum wants. If she wants everyone there, then you’ve just got to accept that there’s going to be risk and try to minimise where possible. I lost my mum last Christmas at 92 (not Covid related) but wasn’t allowed in to the hospital to be with her. I’d savour every bit of time with her if I had the chance.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you manage to enjoy your Christmas as best you can 💐

I totally empathise with that - I lost my Dad when he was 58 and still miss him and wish we could have had many more Christmases with him, too.

You are right that this is really important re making most of what you've got and what my mum wants x

Does your sil and brother support your mum on a daily/weekly basis?

Thanks so much for all the comments.

Actually spurred me on to phone my brother and chat it through (and did it without shouting!) - going to give my Mum a ring now...

But agree with the poster who says govt may well take out of our hands anyway...,

It's like Groundhog Day

@Freddiefox

Does your sil and brother support your mum on a daily/weekly basis?

No she's incredibly fit and able for her age.

It sounds to me like she just wants your dB for Xmas so leave them to it..

@CorsicaDreaming

Thanks so much for all the comments.

Actually spurred me on to phone my brother and chat it through (and did it without shouting!) - going to give my Mum a ring now...

But agree with the poster who says govt may well take out of our hands anyway...,

It's like Groundhog Day

That's good. I'm glad you didn't shout.

It is indeed like Groundhog Day @CorsicaDreaming
We need to move Christmas so it's not in the depth of winter

I am in a similar position - invited relatives who are high risk to ours and dismayed by how much worse things have got. (Also have commitments with friends and all the local schools are lousy with covid so who knows if we will make it to Christmas?)

I would go ahead because it's family, but do everything possible to mitigate risk. Open windows wherever you can get away with it and if you are able, buy an air purifier with HEPA filter to clean the air in the rooms you spend most time in.

*We can isolate fairly well before to make it as safe for mum as possible
*

My big worry is the risk for my mum at 80 of mixing with my sister-in-law, her student niece - and their teenage daughter as well - ironically their son is now fairly safe as he has just had Covid....

It is the risk to my mum and the unknown impact of Omicron on that risk that is now really worrying me.

This is all irrelevant. Your mum clearly doesn't mind the risk your brother/niece/SIL pose. You've said yourself it's you that's risk averse, and that's fine. But you can't try and put your fear of the risk onto your mum. If you're the one that's worried I'm afraid your the one who has to miss out. Your mum wants to spend it where the original plans are with brother, it's up to you whether you join or not.

Thank you, can’t deny it’s been a very hard year following.
Hope you and your family have a nice Christmas whatever you decide to do. Xx