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Original poster

Christmas Dilemma

37 replies

CorsicaDreaming · 12/12/2021 12:17

I have been going round around about this for over a week and feel I can't think straight now so would like some objective views on it.

My Mum is 80 and lives 6 miles away from my brother and his family. We live 200 miles away from them.

Plan had been we will go up for Christmas and all stay at old family home over three days.

Then my SIL got told she was moving to the Covid ward (she is a nurse))

Then about ten days ago my nephew got a ping for close contact Covid, took the PCR on that Thursday, but my brother did not tell my mum and nephew spent two hours decorating Christmas tree at Mum’s without telling her. Then was found to have Covid on the Sunday . We spent a week worrying she had got it off him. Luckily she hasn't. She is vaxxed. But I am very angry with my brother for risking this and I haven't been able to talk to him since because I know I will just shout at him...

Then my mum told me that the sister-in-law has said she wants her niece to also come for Christmas who is a student in London and will otherwise be completely on her own for Christmas (she is from overseas and can't get home).

I have suggested to mum that we go up and spend Christmas with her at hers, just us - they spend Christmas at theirs. This way reduces the risk as we are fairly low risk. My mum said she had Christmas with us last year (bubble as she is alone) so this wouldn't be fair on my brother… I've also offered to drive up, get her, and bring her back to ours.

I don't know what to do.
Do we go up anyway and hope for the best?
Do we not go up and leave them to it?

I'm fairly risk averse about Covid myself because of health issues including asthma and previous pneumonia but accept I'm v much on cautious side. My mum is far more robust about risk and would still ideally like all to go up and be there, all together - but I just feel very stressed at that prospect at the moment

Any advice would be really gratefully received.

Please be kind it is really stressing me out at the moment.

OP posts:
R0tational · 12/12/2021 12:20

Stay at home perhaps as you sound worried and it wont end well if you try to dictate others' plans ( even if they are reasonable).

Neverfittedin85 · 12/12/2021 12:30

I'd worry that it's going to cause more stress and arguments for you.

Perhaps leave this decision up to your mum. That's what I'd do.

Can you risk going if everyone takes a lft? Isolates beforehand where possible? Keep the house ventilated etc.

Hope it sorts it self out for you.

Original poster
CorsicaDreaming · 12/12/2021 12:33

My SIL will be working on the Covid ward until the eve of Christmas Eve, and then they plan to come over to Mum’s on Christmas Eve. So there isn't any chance of them isolating before. and presumably the niece will be travelling up from London on public transport just before as well.

OP posts:
Neverfittedin85 · 12/12/2021 12:39

@CorsicaDreaming

My SIL will be working on the Covid ward until the eve of Christmas Eve, and then they plan to come over to Mum’s on Christmas Eve. So there isn't any chance of them isolating before. and presumably the niece will be travelling up from London on public transport just before as well.
I sympathise with you as its difficult. My dd7 finishes school on the 17th so we are pretty much staying at home from then, apart from 2 days of work and dp working full time. So that we can have less chance of ruining our Xmas plans.

It feels harder this year as we can mix for Xmas, I was tier 4 last year which was basically a full lockdown for us. No mixing allowed.

Given your mum's age and desire to have you all there I'd be inclined to go, just make sure everyone knows your feelings and socially distance - it's going to be the best you can get given your circumstances. Hope that makes ense.

Original poster
CorsicaDreaming · 12/12/2021 13:22

Never - it does make sense. We can isolate fairly well before to make it as safe for mum as possible

My big worry is the risk for my mum at 80 of mixing with my sister-in-law, her student niece - and their teenage daughter as well - ironically their son is now fairly safe as he has just had Covid....

It is the risk to my mum and the unknown impact of Omicron on that risk that is now really worrying me.

OP posts:
ecceromani · 12/12/2021 13:38

I think you should point out the risks to your mum and then let her make the decision for herself how she wants to spend Christmas.
If you are worried for yourself then stay home.

I understand why you're concerned but there's many people didn't do the family Christmas with elderly relatives last year in order "to keep them safe" only for a massive stroke or some such thing to take them a few months later.
As long as they're compos mentis elderly people should be allowed to make their own decisions even is we don't always agree with them.

Yogaandcocoa · 12/12/2021 13:40

You all should be able to choose what you do and you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with even if that means your mum spends Xmas with your brother and you stay at home

LFTing may help but not everyone will go them.

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2021 13:42

Your choice is to stay at home or travel to see them all for Christmas with a smile on your face. Just because your mum is 80 doesn't mean she doesn't have the ability to assess her own risk and make choices.

JaniceBattersby · 12/12/2021 13:43

I would leave it up to your mum because she is an adult and, I presume, quite capable of deciding who she wants to spend Christmas with.

If you want to go then do so, if not then don’t.

Rainbows246 · 12/12/2021 13:54

I think it’s up to your mum. She can make her own decision. There is a risk from everyone but they could lft test before hand. Windows open at times etc.

We kept my dad very safe but isolated last year and it wasn’t good for him. He has been out and about more this year but carefully and we lft when on close contact with him. I work on a ward, sibling works in a school so high risk areas although neither have caught covid yet.

However he makes his own decisions regarding what he does. He has health conditions that make covid a huge risk even vaccinated however he could also have severe illness or die from one of these conditions too. He wants to live and do things. I think a lot of older and elderly people have chosen to live (carefully maybe) but not isolate themselves.

HolidayTime2021 · 12/12/2021 13:59

Its your mums choice

It may be her last Christmas and she may well want everyone there (the view of all of my relative 80+)

It isnt really anything to do with you?

Original poster
CorsicaDreaming · 12/12/2021 14:04

Thanks for all the comments.

Mum is totally compos mentis, but wants me to talk to my brother's family to "decide what's best to do".

It's a bit wisdom of Solomon and I think she wants to outsource it as a decision to some extent - unless it can be her preferred choice of all being at hers, which back at October half term when it was agreed all seemed a far less tricky decision than it now feels.

OP posts:
Original poster
CorsicaDreaming · 12/12/2021 14:06

@HolidayTime2021

Its your mums choice

It may be her last Christmas and she may well want everyone there (the view of all of my relative 80+)

It isnt really anything to do with you?

Sorry can't quite understand how it isn't anything to do with me ?

She wants me and my family to be there too.

OP posts:
EIIa · 12/12/2021 14:12

Make everybody take LFT test maybe?

Delatron · 12/12/2021 15:37

Well the nephew has just had Covid so he’s low risk. Are you most worried about the niece?

I think it sounds like your mum just wants a nice family Christmas. If she’s had her booster then she will have protection. Then LFT the day before would be a good idea.

Maybe keep ventilating the room. It’s your decision as to whether you join or not.

Maybe we’ll be in this position every year though?

I think lots of grandparents are taking more ‘risks’ now and I don’t blame them. If 3 jabs aren’t enough then where do we go from here? Time with family is very important.

Bonbon21 · 12/12/2021 15:45

From a completely personal point of view I would be ( and will be!!) staying at home. The other adults can do what they believe to be best for themselves.
Too many people are expecting too much. No-one should be getting pressurised to do something outwith their comfort zone.

Requestit · 12/12/2021 15:49

I get you’re anxious about the risks. But I’d really try to gage what your mum wants. If she wants everyone there, then you’ve just got to accept that there’s going to be risk and try to minimise where possible.
I lost my mum last Christmas at 92 (not Covid related) but wasn’t allowed in to the hospital to be with her. I’d savour every bit of time with her if I had the chance.

Frazzled2207 · 12/12/2021 15:53

I’d go with what your mum wants.

At least the nurse in the covid ward will be wearing full PPE at work?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 15:56

Your sil should be having her Xmas with her immediate family not an 80 yo woman.
Double jabbed isn't immunity.
I was double jabbed and caught it.

NerrSnerr · 12/12/2021 16:05

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Your sil should be having her Xmas with her immediate family not an 80 yo woman. Double jabbed isn't immunity. I was double jabbed and caught it.
She'll be spending it with her husband, son and his immediate family.

It's not like she's out doing irresponsible shit. It's likely she's triple jabbed. She's a nurse working frontline. She isn't the bad guy!

Stuffin · 12/12/2021 16:12

It's a risk but honestly if your mum wants you all together then that's a risk that is hers to take.

We don't know what is ahead of us and at her age then it's even more up in the air. Better to have had a good enjoyable life than no life at all.

I know I would rather enjoy what time I have now than what ifs especially if that kept me from doing what gives me joy.

PrincessNutNuts · 12/12/2021 16:14

The decision is likely to be taken out of your hands by the government between now and then @CorsicaDreaming

We did family Christmas yesterday.

My mum wouldn't want to rock the boat with my siblings either, and would want me to be bad cop.

Your mum's safety is more important than the egos of the irresponsible or uninformed section of the family who apparently plan to put her at risk. Again.

And to put it extremely bluntly.

Better to shout now than at her funeral.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 12/12/2021 16:15

Her dh is immediate family. Not his vulnerable dm.

Notonthestairs · 12/12/2021 16:20

Your Mum's risk is for her to decide and yours is yours.

As with anything don't do something if it makes you uncomfortable - but don't choose on behalf of others.

Can you travel up the weekend before and spend some time together then?

Kbyodjs · 12/12/2021 16:23

I would make the decision about whether you want you and your household to take the risk then let your mum know what you’re doing and leave the option open to her whether she comes to you or your brother. It’s not fair of her to make you make a decision for her.
Personally I’d give it a miss spending it with your brother

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