Allowing teen DC to do teen things

[Greenhand]

I have posted on here before about this and started to get very anxious about it all again.
I have 2 of my DC half time and eldest DS once or twice a week. The rest of the time they live with their dad. who is double vaccinated but not great with COVID matters. For example, he often forgets to do the tests school home and is quite relaxed about the DC going out to do things.
The eldest 2 DC are 6 weeks post their jabs (12-15). Youngest too young
I am really worried as the oldest is going to a large ish party with other kids and clearly there will be no masks, social distancing etc. it's probably going to be a disgusting germ fest as you would expect with 15-17 and probably some beer too.
DC 2 is also going to a party this weekend with 8 others to watch DVDs.
DC3 has a sleepover.

To be honest, if I was sole parent I would probably have said no to all of these events, with maybe the exception of a sleepover where there are 2 to 3 children. That sounds really mean but there's a massive risk of picking up any virus especially Covid from these type of social events.

I'm not saying that the DC shouldn't have any social life at all, but I just think a compromise would be better. For example, going out in small groups outside and only being inside with other children withoout masks if there are very small groups. They do go to a huge secondary school where masks are required everywhere apart from sitting at desks.

Anyone who has read any of my previous posts will know I am on immune suppressants. I have had the third jab finally but only 6 days ago so that's clearly not going to be effective yet.
I'm not having much help from the ex - I had asked that the DC do LFTs before coming to see me. That's not happening. there is also no consultation about the DC's intended activities.

I am happy for them to go to school, normal clubs and activities and have a couple of friends for a sleepover. It's the larger scale things that worry me. I would include family gatherings in that, concerts. I know children in general have missed out on a huge amount but I think other families where there is a vulnerable member, do take more precautions. I have read on here about some DC who have agreed to minimise their activities for the sake of their parents. I am sure some people will do the best to protect their partners.

But where you have an ex who is not overly interested in being helpful or even trying to reduce the risk of covid to me. It's quite frustrating. I have actually read this all back and for crikey I'm quite selfish here, probably because I'm quite jealous of the families that are together and try to look after their own.

I suppose it is inevitable that we will all get COVID at some point. But I don't want to invite it into my house. has anyone got any useful tips for coping with this type of anxiety?

(I don't want to drip feed, but my situation isn't helped by having a friend who is that scared of Covid (having had it) that they won't see me for 10 days because I mentioned someone had coughed whilst I was in the post office. That level of anxiety has rubbed off on me to an extent. They have not seen family since 2019)

It’s very hard, I sympathise. My adult DS has been out and about, nightclubs, pubs, parties etc., I have read that the booster or third vaccine works straight away, so no waiting 2 weeks until you get the best immunity, so that might give you some relief.

As I’d see it, although there is more risk at a large event in that there are a lot of people there, risk of exposure to covid is also about duration. If your children are at school 35 hours a week, even with mitigations in place, the risk of infection is probably higher than a couple of hours at a party.

It’s thought that 74% of children have had covid. It seems highly likely that the other 25% will get it sooner or later (unless they shield or possibly unless they are vaccinated). With those kind of figures trying to reduce the risk of catching covid by slightly reducing contacts doesn’t make much sense to me, though I can understand why people remain anxious given the last 18m.

So I don’t think stopping them going to a party really decreases the risk profile substantially on a long term basis.

What help are you getting for your anxiety about it - something like systemic family therapy might help to look at the way you all relate to each other and feel you are respecting each others views too.

It is difficult but they can't be stopped from living a normal teen life now, they've missed out on enough. The likelihood is that you'd only get it mildly.

Well, we're still being fairly careful, though DD 9 is going to a small party with classmates this weekend. We are looking for outdoor fun stuff otherwise, where we can. Mind you, we are variously cev/ immunocompromised and so on.

The older two should be able to do their own LFT. Do they understand that you could become very ill if they don't test before seeing you?

It is hard. I think the risk at a large event is higher than the normal school attendance. My DCs school held an end of half term party which has resulted in nearly all of my DCs friend group testing +ve.

I was about to say YABU and I’m with their dad until I read you are immunosuppressed. I think it’s difficult, kids need some normality, particularly in the teen years, I can see my own is ‘behind’ in terms of going out and socialising due to covid over the past 18 months or so. I was lax with lateral flows before half term and forgot a couple, I think we just have fatigue with it all. Having said that things need to get back to normal a bit, I’m in Scotland at the moment and it seems so restricted compared to England where I live. Are the kids not old enough to do a lateral flow themselves before coming back to you? I can see why your ex is carrying on as he is, as his own household does not have the medical issues and I would say it’s unfair to expect him to restrict himself and the children when they are living with him. I don’t mean to be unkind there, but he is unaffected and is behaving accordingly. You do sound very anxious. Can you try and get out more in places you deem safe? I found when I went back to work most of my inhibitions went, I didn’t realise I had them until then.

You need help for your overwhelming anxiety.

Yes it is tricky because for your ex the way he is handling it is fairly normal now - most have gone back to be quite relaxed and a large number have had them.

But you are understandably in a different place and are rightly concerned.

Your children are I suspect torn between wanting to do stuff that others are doing and protecting you

I think they do need to test though - that should for the older two be a responsibility they can take on

@Mojoj

You need help for your overwhelming anxiety.

That's a bit inappropriate, given that OP is immunosuppressed.

@jendifer

What help are you getting for your anxiety about it - something like systemic family therapy might help to look at the way you all relate to each other and feel you are respecting each others views too.

It would be difficult to access family therapy for something like this, even more so with the current pressure on services.

Ours are carrying on as normal.

School have had no contingency measures since September - they’ve been surrounded by it since then with loads of classmates and teachers testing positive nad neither have got it.

We’ve been doing LFT’s regularly and both have had their jab. They’ve missed out on too much to restrict things further when they don’t need to be.

Grandparent are aware. They’re all jabbed and we do LFT’s before we see them.

Please let your children live their best lives. They've missed out on so much already.

I'm sorry you are anxious.

I can understand why you're anxious. But I can also see that teens should be doing teen things too. For their own wellbeing.

Maybe there's a compromise but I don't think it's fair to stop them having sleepovers and going to parties. When would that stop?

I havent stopped my kids from doing anything. They still haven't caught it. This is including school with no masks, college with no masks. Oldest ds works with the public.
I understand the worries are heightened when vulnerable, but we are all going to get it at some point.

The question then is, would you rather catch it by living your best, or would you rather catch it when you're hiding from things you'd like to do?

I'd be pretty pissed if I'd been shielding and shielding only to still catch it. It would feel like such a waste. Yet that is what is going to happen to lots of people, because there is no avoiding catching it. Its just a case of when.

Let them do it. It's hard enough being a teenager without being locked away from society and doing things that their friends are doing. There are a huge amount of people who have covid anxiety, good on you for recognising that and being aware of it.

The last time I got a bad respiratory virus it took 6 months of physio, a huge amount of medication and a full years worth of complications and recovery. And that wasn’t even covid. The health anxiety brought on by the threat of getting covid is very real and the toll on our mental health for people like you and me OP has been massive. You’ve had the booster now and it’s time to work on your anxiety and start living your life again. Try and concentrate on what makes you happy rather than worrying about what others are doing now. It’s not easy I know.

What you’ve described isn’t any more risky than going to a large secondary school

I don't think "disgusting germ fest" is particularly healthy way to view a party either.

I am sorry you’re immunosuppressed but your children need to live normal lives.
You could catch Covid at any point over the next decade and beyond.. it is an endemic disease now.
I think you need to let them be teenagers

Yabu....your dc deserve to live a normal life

Would it not be best for all of you in your children went to live with their father full-time? That way you can continue to shield indefinitely and they can continue to live a normal life.

I feel for you.
We've been living normally. Gigs, festivals, theme parks etc plus college and haven't caught it, unless that was it Jan 2020.

I don't know how long I could put normal activities on hold for as I agree it's inevitable unless you somehow have prior immunity.

interesting mix of responses. I don't mind being told that I'm being unreasonable as I think the DC like all other children deserve to lead a normal life.
to be honest, I have always thought the parties are a " disgusting germ fest". Never liked them!
I will ask the DC again to do LFTs by themselves before they come to see me but their dad tends to get a bit cross if they help themselves to the tests. No idea why. Tried to discuss it and it's one of those ones that leads to arguments with their dad.
I had actually thought about not seeing the DC for a period of time but they do want to come and see me. On the other hand, they tell me I am overly cautious about Covid as they have seen lots of their friends get it and they have not been ill. We do know of someone who sadly died from it, yet it seems to be a case of " it happens to other people".
I do think older teenage parties with alcohol are much higher risk than school as they are more akin to an indoor festival and probably more so given the amount of restrictions that children have had to put up with over the last 18 months.
Kind of feels like waiting for the inevitable disaster. I am sure statistically they will be fine but can be quite nasty for us parents. I have no idea whether I will be really badly impacted just like any other adult. I clearly am useless when it comes to fear of the unknown. That's also anxiety.