Worried about my mum

[brogueish]

I'm really worried about my mum. Her husband has always been a bit of a hypochondriac but covid has sent it to another level. His fear of covid, which is quite irrational, means that she's no longer able to socialise at all, and seeing her grandson (my son) is really difficult. They used to have him two days a week before covid and I know she misses him dreadfully.

Her husband's demands and restrictions have been getting slowly but steadily worse and I am worried that she is now completely out of her depth to reason with him. She's been understanding and has gone along with his wishes but it's got to a point where it's really unhealthy and she is very unhappy. They're still doing the separate fridge thing, throwing away the outer pages of the paper, sanitising mail, etc.

I don't know how to help her, I have said that I feel he's being irrational but she said that he's just worried (which he is) and didn't want to talk about it more. It feels as though this is moving into a unacceptable control situation - if it's not already - and I don't know what to do to help her. She's so miserable and it's awful. It angers me because aside from everything else, he's been using her as a shield since the first lockdown. He's terrified of getting it but it's fine for her to go to the shop and put herself at risk. They're both in their 70s, she's slightly older but there's no physical difference between them health-wise, just his mental health.

She desperately wants to see her grandson, and me, and I have no idea how to help.

Sorry for the long post. I am at a loss but I'm so worried about her.

If she can come out to do her shopping then maybe meet her there with your son? She doesn't need to tell him (wouldn't normally advocate lying but needs must when you're faced with such entrenched weird behaviour which has sadly struck a few people)

So make that offer and keep making it. The rest unfortunately is down to her. The crux of the matter is her standing up to him. How likely is this?

100% do as PP suggests. This is an awful situation for all concerned and she MUST look after herself now. A lovely sit down coffee, (or just a McD's it's easier with the little one, doesn't have to be glam) would just give her space to vent and a cuddle with your son, and you! In fact, you could get the 'shopping' beforehand and give it to her when you meet, then you get the whole time together.
He needs help, obs, but nothing should stop you guys getting together.. just do it discreetly....

Just because they’re in their 70s doesn’t mean it’s too late to leave someone. Why would anyone want to spend their last years living like that. Can you help her to get her own place?

Meet outdoors or for coffee while she is out shopping to start with. Is she unhappy?

Thank you so much for the replies. I do keep suggesting to meet, outdoors at parks etc (her husband doesn't approve of playparks - too many germs). Meeting at the shops is a great idea but doesn't really work any more unfortunately - they've discovered click and collect so she has a set window and he absolutely would notice if she was longer than usual.

I don't think she wants to leave him, but yes she is so unhappy. She messaged last night in a bad way. Since the pandemic he's also started to get quite nasty with her if he's not happy with the level of perceived risk. For example, their boiler broke down recently and after the guy had fixed it he asked to use the loo, my mum said yes and then her husband spent the afternoon "hissing" (her word) at her about the danger she'd put him in. Despite her thoroughly cleaning and antibac-ing the front door, hall, kitchen, stairway, bathroom etc.

I'll message her again now. It's so hard when I can see that it's clearly not right.

Yes I can see why going down the whole road of 'leave him' just won't work. It's not something worth pursuing because it's not going to happen is it?

So all you can do is listen to her, keep making offers to meet and consider speaking to her husband yourself.

It sounds like his anxiety about Covid has become pathological and unfortunately his resulting behaviour towards your mother has stepped over into controlling.

Is she able to make phone calls without him listening in? I wonder whether a call to Women’s Aid might be in order. I mean, his obsession may be severe enough to be a diagnosable mental health issue, but that doesn’t mean she has to put up with the impact it is having on her.