Don’t feel ready for second baby yet

[Lena9]

Hello,

I’m looking for some impartial advice.

I have a 15 month old boy and have just found out I am pregnant. I am an idiot-I haven’t had a period since son was born but we’ve also barely had sex so just presumed nothing would happen. I’m so angry with myself but it’s where we are.

Anyway, we’d always planned on having two and actually I was thinking we’d try in spring or summer next year. I simply don’t feel ready to have a baby this close. In my mind there’s a huge difference between a 2 and a 2.5-3 year age gap (older one slightly more independent) and I’m still breastfeeding - was going to wind down soon. I just don’t feel like I’ve had space to have my body back and recover. My son has never slept through the night- in short I’m utterly exhausted.

My son was born during lockdown and it was tough- not the ride we expected. Both my husband and I have struggled mentally so much in last year with husband even taking time off work because of it- he didn’t even do this when his father died. Our relationship has suffered and we’ve been pushed to our limits but we’re just about stable and last few weeks have started to feel good. He starts a new (highly stressful) job just before Christmas. He wouldn’t be entitled to paternity pay or time off.

Lastly I went to have a colposcopy for an abnormal smear and was told I couldn’t have one in first trimester. It just added insult to injury.

Anyway, I could go on. Basically I definitely would not choose to be in this situation but the idea of termination doesn’t sit quite right. I had one when I was 19, I’m not anti-abortion. But to do that when we might try in 6-8 months....? Is it madness?

I wonder if anyone else has been in the same situation- I’m sure lots have and gone through with it and say it’s hard but they don’t regret it. I’d actually love to know if anyone has gone ahead with terminating because the timing wasn’t right.
Maybe a part of me is looking for permission sort of.

Sometimes I can get behind the idea of another baby- as hard as it’s been of course I love my son deeply. Can’t imagine what that feels like x 2 but I’m sure I would. But of course I just keep thinking that I’d be able to conceive again in the future and have that when I feel more mentally ready.

My husband is incredibly supportive of it being ultimately my decision. I know he has same reservations but would ultimately lean in to the chaos and go for it. But I do worry about protecting his mental health and feeling like he’s not great at that.

Any insights, thoughts would be gratefully received. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this.

Thanks,

L

Hey, it’s your decision but I have that age gap and it’s lovely. They play so nicely and are the best of friends. They fell asleep cuddling tonight! They’re 1 & 3 years old now 🤍

Nobody here can make the decision for you. But whatever is right for your family is right

I have def posted this on the wrong thread. I’m not sure how to move. Sorry everyone.

@Wingingthis thank you that’s really good to hear. How did you find your first baby though? I feel like friends that have planned a small age gap have found number one okay. I found it incredibly hard. Possibly because of circumstances though I guess.

Hi OP. That sounds like a really tricky situation.
I have a DS from a previous relationship who is 5. I fell pregnant with my current partner in early 2020 and decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was a very very tough decision but it was right for us at the time. We are now TTC because mentally, financially and as a couple we are in such a better place. I still feel guilt about it a lot but it was what was right for us and nobody else can make that decision for you.
The first year and a half of your baby's life is the hardest thing ever! The sleep deprivation alone is pure torture. If it's what's best for you both and your current DC then that's what's most important

I work in a termination service and have seen many many women in your situation have a TOP. Often they go on to conceive (out of choice) fairly soon after, usually with no issues. Make the decision that works best for you as a family and try to go with it and make peace with it either way. Life is full of what ifs- a new baby is a huge huge change (often wonderful but also often not). Hindsight is wonderful and once the baby is here generally we get on with things but if things are fragile and you need more time, take it. Don’t beer yourself up either way.

I have a 13 month old and I'm currently 4 months pregnant with my second.

Think about it this way: You'll get the dirty nappy phase over quicker. They will grow up close, almost like twins. They will be good friends ( touchwood).

I'm really excited about having two close in age x

You can move your post by reporting it and asking MN to move it

It's your choice 100% but if ask my self how if feel I struggled to conceive in future as their are no guarantees

I've got a 2 yr 10 month gap and a 2 year 3month age gap, and both have been fine

I have a 3 year 3 month age gap and it feels larger than I'd like. They're 7 and nearly 4 and there still seems like quite a gap in maturity and interests that gets in the way of them playing together so well. I'd have preferred a 2 year gap which didn't happen for various reasons. I have heard a small gap is tough while they're babies, but easier in the long term.

I was still feeding toddler was born. 6 hours after birth I had toddler on one side and baby on the other. It was a great comfort to toddler when baby came as he still got that "cuddle" time. I weaned toddler about 6 months after baby was born. I'm still feeding the "baby" now he's nearly two. It's been nearly 4 years of constant feeding. I haven't enjoyed all of it no sane person would. But the bits I have enjoyed have been great. They are like chalk and cheese atm. But they have thier moments. Plus I feel like ive gotten the babies out the way that's it done.

Hope you reach a decision either way. Only person you have to answer to is you.

I found out I was accidentally pregnant with my second when my first was 10 months old. I was breastfeeding and on the mini pill so it was a big shock! I was far from ready for a second.
Anyway we went ahead and had a 19 month age gap. The first 6 months were hard. DD1 didn’t sleep through the night until she was 3 so we had a non sleeping toddler plus a baby. It’s all a blur.
They’re 7 and 6 now and it’s wonderful. They’re best friends. It got easier when they were 3 and 2.

In the nicest possible way I can't even comprehend how anyone could abort what they assume is a healthy baby when they are planning on trying for one in 6-8 months anyways. It sounds like you have had a very challenging time recently and it's no surprise with a baby born in lockdown and all the other factors but if you know you want a second child please don't do this.

I know a couple in their thirties with two tweens who thought they were finished having kids. She fell pregnant last year and they decided to terminate, two month later they both had a massive change of heart and racked with guilt decided to try for a baby! She has since had two miscarriages and I can't even begin to imagine what must be plaguing her mind right now.

On a separate note I had two under two, they are now almost 3 and 18 months. It has been incredibly challenging but also the most amazing experience and watching them run around playing together at soft play today makes the hard times and sleepless nights worth it.

Good Luck

I found out I was 14 weeks pregnant when my first child was 9 months old! I was breastfeeding and also hardly ever had sex. I had barely any symptoms and my entire first trimester went unnoticed. My first was 15 months when my second was born. It was a bit of a shock but it's worked out brilliantly! They are such good friends and do everything together. The first couple of years were harder but I think it's now much easier than other friends who have bigger age gaps. They can mostly do the same after school clubs and play with the same friends. It makes our lives so much easier. Try not to worry, you'll deal with anything that comes your way x

My baby girl was 6mo when I found out I was pregnant with my second. I was taking the pill religiously but was randomly bleeding when taking it and then came my 7 day break where I wouldn't bleed at all, so when I didn't come on my period I wasn't concerned. I just assumed my body was getting itself back into some sort of routine because my periods had only just come back following birth.

I was almost 11 weeks along when I took a test and the only thing that made me do one was heartburn I remember the sinking feeling in my stomach and the ugly crying - I was terrified! I didn't want another pandemic pregnancy, I was worried about not being able to go back to work and our finances, the fact we only have a 2 bed and of course my DD being so young still. I almost felt like I was robbing her of her time with us. I contemplated termination for a while but like you it just didn't feel right despite the practicality. I thought if I love this baby as much as current DD then things will just work out. I'm now 3 weeks away from my due date and things don't seem so scary. I'm under no illusion it's going to be absolute chaos, but I'm used to the sleepless nights, the nappies and everything in between. Plus the girls will be the best of friends and I just think of when DD2 is nervous to start school I can tell her 'don't worry, sister is there!'.

You have to do what feels right for you in your circumstances lovely, don't feel guilty for considering termination because if it isn't the right time then it isn't the right time. But on the other hand if you handled it mid pandemic I know you'll smash it this time too. Good luck xx

Similar interests, similar friends, similar stages, sleepless nights all done and out of the way, there are so many benefits to a small age gap. However, if you've basically made up your mind and are looking for permission then you are allowed to do whatever is right for you

My age gap is about what you'll have, and for the most part its been ok. Its definitely had its hard moments (not toddler & newborn, but toddler & toddler) but now at 2&4 thet get on well, play together, and are generally a joy.

Do I think another 6m would have made it easier? Maybe occasionally yes, but in some ways it would be harder, as more of a chasm between them, in terms of what they can do etc.

Gosh, so many replies. I'm totally new to MN and feel like I should reply individually to all to say thanks but of course...exhausted! Just thank you everyone so much for taking the time.

All of your answers have given me hope and reminded me that I am in control of this decision which is a huge part of it (feeling out of control I think). @CarryOnNurse20 your comment made me feel really far less alone :)

I was particularly moved by @exhaustedmama1019's comment about how if we can do it in a pandemic, we can do it again. That was very empowering and to hear you had felt exactly the same as well but then just got behind it and lent into the chaos is brave and I know I could do this too if I just flip something in my mind. I do think that my first pregnancy was so far from "normal". I really didn't dwell much on it at the time but looking back I could have absolutely done with the support that wasn't there- I never even met a health visitor never mind having an NCT group or a baby class to go to (boo hoo poor me ha- i honestly didn't think much of it at that time, so many people going through so much worse, but see now looking back that I was pretty lonely).

All of your comments really have been really useful. I'm going to sleep on it and discuss once again with my partner tomorrow.

Thank you all xx

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to update because you were all very kind with your responses.

I sat on it for quite a few days and thought it through- we have decided to continue with the pregnancy and have the baby. We've even made a bit of a "mental wellbeing" plan so that I have a bit of time to myself before the baby is born and how we can carve out a bit of time for my husband as well with his new job. I'm still scared and it's probably not going to be easy but we figured it never will be and when I really went down the termination route in my mind if just didn't feel right.

I've now booked to have my scan and when I know exactly how many weeks I am I can then book in to have my colposcopy after 13 weeks so fingers crossed that doesn't complicate things further.

Thank you all so much. Now to figure out how to deal with the nausea and a 15 month old....!

L

Aw, congratulations OP, I'm glad you're feeling much better about the it and that you and your husband have a plan. I always think a decision is the right one if it feels right.

For what it's worth, I have a 22-month gap between my DC. Like you, I was more intending on a 2.5 year age gap.

I'm not going to lie, the first 18 months or so was incredibly tough and physically exhausting but we got into a bit of a routine (get them napping at the same time if you can!) and we muddled through.

They're now 5 and 3 and the best of friends. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard work, but there's more respite, particularly when they just go off and play and not even bother asking me to play too!

Looking back, I am also glad to have got the baby phase over and done with so quickly.

And DC1 was (still is!) very hard work, but DC2 has always been so easygoing and juat generally easier.

Good luck

Congratulations. I think you have made a good decision because it feels right to you and honestly that 6 months will make no difference soon enough! In the scheme of a lifetime it's a sneeze!