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Original poster

Struggling with family members choosing not to be vaccinated

28 replies

Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:16

I am really struggling with my mum and my sister choosing not to get vaccinated.

I am 39, classed as CV so willingly went along for my first vaccine in March and my second in May.

My DH is double vaccinated as is my Step Father.

My mum and my sister have chosen not to receive their vaccines. I respected their choice - they are not anti vax conspiracy theorists but feel the vaccines are very new etc.

However, both are very wary of catching Covid. They are incredibly cautious (which I respect) and will not go inside pubs/restaurants or peoples homes. They do visit shops like normal but double mask.

I have felt fine about their decision until very recently. I struggle with their anxiety & cautiousness and yet they won’t get vaccinated. I am fully aware that the vaccines do not stop you getting it etc. etc but I was incredibly anxious about getting Covid that the vaccine has really helped build my confidence with returning to some normality.

For context, my DH and my sister both had Covid at Christmas. Both very unwell but my sister more so. Just about managed to avoid hospital but ended up with Myocarditis as well as long Covid and many hospital visits to rule out blood clots and organ damage. She is 38, asthmatic and slightly overweight. As a family, we went through hell with Covid and the worry over my sister.

We are so incredibly close as a family. We talk a lot, share our thoughts & feelings and spend a lot of time together. I can’t really talk to anyone in real life about this as friends & family aren’t aware they haven’t been vaccinated as it is their own private business.

AIBU to feel this way? I am not even clear in my own head what it is exactly that I’m feeling….frustration, disappointment, worry about them catching Covid…

OP posts:
ollyollyoxenfree · 30/08/2021 22:23

There's nothing you can really do OP, I'm sorry, it must be really frustrating and worrying Flowers

Your sister probably has a decent amount of immunity now after such a bad bout of COVID so that's a bit less to worry about, but I'm surprised your mum still doesn't want the vaccine after seeing her go through that.

I would just encourage them when you can, share news articles/stats/positive stories etc - I say this purely because it sounds like the fear of COVID is affecting their day to day life, and so they would genuinely benefit psychologically from getting vaccinated.

Thewiseoneincognito · 30/08/2021 22:24

It’s their decision. Respect it just as they have respected yours.

Original poster
Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:27

Thank you @ollyollyoxenfree

I agree there’s not much I can do. They are both incredibly intelligent, thoughtful & compassionate women who research & read a lot. They are well aware of the positives of the vaccine and were very supportive of me getting mine.

OP posts:
ollyollyoxenfree · 30/08/2021 22:28

@Thewiseoneincognito

It’s their decision. Respect it just as they have respected yours.
However, both are very wary of catching Covid. They are incredibly cautious (which I respect) and will not go inside pubs/restaurants or peoples homes. They do visit shops like normal but double mask.

This is why I would be encouraging - rates and anxiety is only going to increase as we go into Autumn. If it was a loved one who didn't give a shiny shite about COVID and was merrily getting on with life then I probably wouldn't get involved (unless they were high risk).

UsedUpUsername · 30/08/2021 22:29

Am I reading this right in that your sister had CoVID? If so she is more protected than you are!

Keep an eye on Novavax for your mum, traditional vaccine and reportedly less side effects

Original poster
Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:31

@Thewiseoneincognito

It’s their decision. Respect it just as they have respected yours.
I completely respect their decision.

I just struggle with their worry about Covid. And I say this as someone who, for the first time ever, experienced panic attacks & horrendous anxiety due to the fear of catching Covid.

OP posts:
ollyollyoxenfree · 30/08/2021 22:32

@Shibees

Thank you *@ollyollyoxenfree*

I agree there’s not much I can do. They are both incredibly intelligent, thoughtful & compassionate women who research & read a lot. They are well aware of the positives of the vaccine and were very supportive of me getting mine.

I think unless you think they're getting their information from dubious sources then it's just a case of supporting them and hoping either they change their minds or their anxiety over COVID fades.

Wishing your sister a speedy recovery!

Original poster
Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:36

@UsedUpUsername

Am I reading this right in that your sister had CoVID? If so she is more protected than you are!

Keep an eye on Novavax for your mum, traditional vaccine and reportedly less side effects

Yes my sister had Covid. She is terrified of getting that unwell again which I totally understand. It was awful for her.

It’s the worry they both still have that is holding them back from enjoying certain things in life. I have been there myself so I empathise.

I know the vaccine isn’t a magic bullet that will fix everything.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 30/08/2021 22:40

@UsedUpUsername

Am I reading this right in that your sister had CoVID? If so she is more protected than you are!

Keep an eye on Novavax for your mum, traditional vaccine and reportedly less side effects

I'm a participant on the novavax trial. I wouldn't get too excited about that tbh. Even if it does get approved I think very unlikely it will be available for general use in the UK. Possibly as a booster at some point.

OP I would be really cross in your shoes. I think you have to respect their decision though. I think your sister is unlikely to be as poorly as she was before. Assuming that your mother is somewhat older, I have to say I would be beside myself if my mother refused. Personally I am now hearing lots of stories of people getting covid but feeling that the vaccine took the edge off for them. I'd be gently telling her about all the stories I'm hearing
Hope she changes her mind eventually.

Original poster
Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:52

@Frazzled2207 I do have moments of feeling cross but I also wouldn’t ever try & talk someone into taking medication or having a vaccine they don’t want. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m pro choice and it’s their bodies so their choice. It’s just hard to hear their worries.

I also worry that my DD who is 8 will pass it on as they look after her once a week. I worry that my husband will pass it on as he is out of the home working with the public.

This was my sisters second bout of Covid. She had it badly in April 2020 but was far worse the second time around. I worry about the state of her immune system.

I know no one on here has answers but it has helped just writing all this down.

OP posts:
Shelddd · 30/08/2021 22:53

@Frazzled2207 Personally I would avoid the storytelling, once you start making it about stories and anecdotal tales you've lost. There are stories on both sides and the stories of people dying from blood clots from vaccine are pretty scary and effective in preventing someone from getting the vaccine.

It's better to focus on the numbers, statistics, real evidence which clearly supports taking a vaccine especially for @Shibees mother.. (less so for her sister with a previous infection)... If you make it about the numbers its overwhelmingly in favour of getting the vaccine, however if it's about stories then they will just go find stories on their own that support their own fears.

Original poster
Shibees · 30/08/2021 22:59

[quote Shelddd]@Frazzled2207 Personally I would avoid the storytelling, once you start making it about stories and anecdotal tales you've lost. There are stories on both sides and the stories of people dying from blood clots from vaccine are pretty scary and effective in preventing someone from getting the vaccine.

It's better to focus on the numbers, statistics, real evidence which clearly supports taking a vaccine especially for @Shibees mother.. (less so for her sister with a previous infection)... If you make it about the numbers its overwhelmingly in favour of getting the vaccine, however if it's about stories then they will just go find stories on their own that support their own fears.[/quote]
Totally agree about story telling @Shelddd.

My mum is currently very focussed on the “vast amounts of people who are double vaccinated but still getting very bad cases of Covid” that she has read about in the Daily Mail! She also feels annoyed by her peers who have stopped wearing masks etc as they now think they are immune due to the vaccine which my mum thinks is a silly attitude to have.

OP posts:
CommanderBurnham · 30/08/2021 23:15

I think you're mum is right to be concerned about those things

I agree with her that a lot of vaccinated people think that they are fine now and aren't wearing masks, observing social distancing etc and it's contributing to higher numbers.

It sounds like they're not Covid deniers, and are doing what they can to protect themselves.
Just shrug your shoulders and protect them and yourself as well as you can.

Frazzled2207 · 30/08/2021 23:17

Fair enough re story telling. I do have an anti vax friend that I try and tell little snippets too and it seems to go in but still no vaccine!

It’s a good thing that she’s cautious though and will definitely lessen her chances of getting it. So clearly not in the “covid is a conspiracy” camp. My anti vax friend is literally carrying on as if nothing ever happened which is totally horrifying to me but I’m the more cautious end of the spectrum generally.

Sorry to hear your sister got it worse second time. I was under the impression you’d be unlikely to get it as bad the second time. If she’s lived through it twice though, then arguably she’s pretty well placed to make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to risk getting it a third time.

seb342 · 30/08/2021 23:54

They don't sound like typical anti vaxxers to me. You say they are intelligent so respect their choice the same way as they've respected yours. The thing is you have no idea who's vaccinated and who's not, I know people who say they are because they are fed up with the judgment.

ollyollyoxenfree · 31/08/2021 00:28

@seb342

They don't sound like typical anti vaxxers to me. You say they are intelligent so respect their choice the same way as they've respected yours. The thing is you have no idea who's vaccinated and who's not, I know people who say they are because they are fed up with the judgment.
I really don't think this is a fair comment given the context.

OP has said her sister is 40, presumably her mum is around ~70 years old?

With the addition of a first degree relative who got very ill with COVID, and the fact that she is anxious and is impacting her day to day life, I'd be equally worried about my mum in this situation and trying to persuade her to get it. It's not just another "let's not respect unvaccinated people's decision" thread.

I'd also be concerned about what sources she's getting her information from that's let her to the decision it's safer to not be vaccinated at her age :/

ollyollyoxenfree · 31/08/2021 00:31

[quote Shelddd]@Frazzled2207 Personally I would avoid the storytelling, once you start making it about stories and anecdotal tales you've lost. There are stories on both sides and the stories of people dying from blood clots from vaccine are pretty scary and effective in preventing someone from getting the vaccine.

It's better to focus on the numbers, statistics, real evidence which clearly supports taking a vaccine especially for @Shibees mother.. (less so for her sister with a previous infection)... If you make it about the numbers its overwhelmingly in favour of getting the vaccine, however if it's about stories then they will just go find stories on their own that support their own fears.[/quote]
So I thought this too, and that the best way is always cold hard statistics Grin

But quite a lot of experts have weighed in on this (more specifically for anti-vaxxers and conspiracy theorists), and apparently anecdotes and stories can hold a lot of power in making people see another viewpoint.

Goes against what I always thought but it's not my area!

Damnloginpopup · 31/08/2021 01:42

There are two anti vaxxers in my family, a cousin and a niece, both with families and two kids. Both came down with covid this week. I'm struggling to give a shit about them, having been working frontline since the start and trying to keep my team and all our residents safe. Maybe I'm callous but I don't respect their stupidity. Especially having had two other cousins seriously ill previously.

frozendaisy · 31/08/2021 06:33

OP honestly, what's the point in spending this much time over something you can't do anything about.

They read, they're intelligent, they've decided to out themselves in this position.

I would go out and have fun before we have another mini lockdown.

Farwest · 31/08/2021 06:59

You don't need to respect their decision, OP - just cultivate tolerance and keep your lack of respect hidden best you can. It's hard to watch loved ones take health risks that you would not, but you just need to let them get on with it.

I can understand your fear that you or your dc may be the ones to pass it on to them. Honestly, it's possible. You can offer not to go over, to just call or video chat.

Anyway, that's how I approach the unvaccinated-by-choice in our extended family. If they complain about vaccinated people going maskless or out to pubs or whatever, I just make sympathetic noises in their direction. That's how life is moving on. People who have been vaccinated expect they may well get Covid, but roll the dice with it because the vaccination offers pretty good protection against very serious illness.

stepupandbecounted · 31/08/2021 07:01

It is up to them.

It is their decision, you may not agree with their choice and it is up to you how much you want to see them and spend time with them as a result.

If they catch covid and are seriously ill they only have themselves to blame.

Nikki078 · 31/08/2021 07:41

'I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m pro choice and it’s their bodies so their choice. It’s just hard to hear their worries'

Maybe it's ok to put a boundry to how much you're willing/able to listen to their worries and suport them, if this has such a big impact on how you feel and cope? If they're excessively anxious (double masking is excessive im my view), it may feel like you're starting to feel it too. It is their choice to not get vaccinated but perhaps it's not your responsibility to manage how they feel.

Namenic · 31/08/2021 07:56

OP - I don’t know whether this article is helpful to put the risk into context (it might be anxiety-inducing by to some):

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-58347434

Exposure to the virus and current case rate also affect their risk. How able are they to isolate? - are they wfh? Do they do online Shopping? Use public transport? Have school kids? If their exposure is low, then it is possible for their strategy to work - but may limit their social life and may affect their physical and mental health (eg exercise they do). If their exposure is medium/high, then a rising case number (as is expected when schools go back) would change their risks of catching Corona and developing complications - if this is the case then perhaps it might persuade them to both have the vaccine as well as carry on other precautions. Perhaps it will also be of comfort that many more people have now been vaccinated - and so significant side effects - even 18’months after vaccine are likely to have been detected.

Whiskers4 · 31/08/2021 08:06

I'm all for getting vaccinated but I respect the fact they've chosen not to be and they're being very careful in terms of not passing it to others/catching it themselves. I suspect there are a few who don't want/can't have the vaccine but are out there doing everything allowed included not distancing and wearing masks - I'd be much more weary of these people, but of course, I don't know who they are.

Moving forwards, I think we all have to accept others are going to do it differently. Except for one friend who's house I've been in once and met in a cafe for coffee once, all my friends are still being very careful around others and we all still meet outside. During the colder months we tended to do something like get a takeaway coffee and go for a decent walk, so it's doable.

TrufflyPig · 31/08/2021 11:28

You don't need to respect their decision, OP - just cultivate tolerance and keep your lack of respect hidden best you can

This. I'm getting a bit tired of being told I must respect each and every person's choice not to be vaccinated. The best I can do at present is mask my feelings and be civil about it. But no I don't have to respect it and nor should OP.

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