Why is this happening to me :(

[lollipop10]

A few years ago I was diagnosed with health anxiety and OCD.

I managed it with a low dose of sertraline & CBT which I found really effective.
After a year I gradually stopped the Sertraline and was able to manage without.

Last year the pandemic really affected my mental health. It triggered both my health anxiety and my OCD.

It became so severe that my partner could no
longer cope and he left me after 4 years together.

I restarted my Sertraline and had to move back
In with my parents for support.
I lost so much weight, had 6 months off work became very close to not feeling like I didn’t want to be here.

I increased the Sertraline; had more CBT and I was fortunate that I have a supportive employer who facilitated my return by enabling me to work from home.
I barley saw many people, lost several
friends because I became so distant, and I felt too frightened to leave my house, convinced that I would die from Covid.

In March I had a text from my GP telling me I was eligible for my vaccine (asthmatic) and took up the offer.

It’s been 10 weeks now and the difference it has made to my life has been incredible.

I voluntarily returned to the office, I see my work colleagues, I’ve had dinner (outside) with the few friends I do have and for the first time in over a year I started to feel good about life again.

That was until 2 weeks ago when the under 40 guidance came into place for the AZ vaccine.

It’s triggered something awful in me and I’m slipping back to a dark place.

I spoke to my GP because I am so petrified to have my second dose, she was so unsupportive and told me to have the vaccine and “play my part” in pandemic.

I am not able to rationally process the risk of this vaccine, because in my mind I am convinced i will most certainly be the 1 in (said odds) that will get a blood clot and die.

I’ve been off of work for a week now because I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t focus.
I don’t want to die. I can’t see a way out of this misery.
I feel like my choices are vaccine = death or Covid = death.

I don’t think I can go through with my second dose but nor so I think I can live with the worry of not being protected from Covid.

I honestly thought after my first dose how incredibly lucky I am. Now I feel like it was all too good to be true. 😞

If it has been 10 weeks since your 1st jab then you really have nothing to worry about.

Sorry I should’ve made it clearer, my worry is about the second dose. Not the first.

I don't think anyone has had a Covid related clot after 2nd dose.

Anxiety's horrible, isn't it?

My logical way of looking at it would be that anxiety over blood clots will only last for a few weeks or so post-vaccine, whereas anxiety over covid could go on and on. But I know it's hard to be rational when you're in the middle of it.

Do you have someone you can talk it all through with? Is it worth seeing if you can have CBT again, if that's helped before?

There is no evidence of any blood clots after the second dose - however there is reams of evidence that you have higher and longer lasting protection with the second dose. (I am under 40 and got my second AZ dose two days ago, so spent quite some time looking for info on this to tell my mum who was worried about me having a second dose - she also has health anxiety!)

However if you say you cannot rationally process this information I don't know what anyone here can say to convince you - might it not be better to return to the GP not about this but about your health anxiety? It sounds like it is really negatively affecting your normal day to day life again with such high levels of irrational worry

That was a spectacularly unhelpful comment from your GP. That’s made me really unhappy to read.

I am so sorry they weren’t supportive to your needs.

Is there anyway you can speak to someone else at the practice, another doctor or a nurse to help you feel more at ease about the second vaccination.

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through.
I would say don't have the second one if it will make you mentally unwell. However, it's complicated because you say you will be anxious about covid if you don't. However you are partially protected already and that has given you confidence to do more and be less afraid. Could you just hold on to that?
Either, way, if you can afford it I would seek private counselling.

I am so sorry you are unfortunate enough to have a shit GP. Really you shouls make a complaint, but I can imagine that is the least of your concerns.

There should be another GP at your practice - can you take a friend or relative and try to have a more sensible conversation?

You may be able to have a different vaccine, although after a first dose of AZ there has to be a medical reason. But your MH history may be counted as a medical reason.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I have been exactly the same.

Seemed to be turning a corner with my MH issues, had the vaccine and was over the moon, then from nowhere back to feeling worse than I ever have done.

Alternate second doses can be given for medical issues and I strongly believe that it should be done for severe mental health distress like this. It's way over and above the 'normal' worry, and unfortunately a lot of people don't seem to understand how very debilitating it is.

Would something like beta blockers be enough to take the edge off your anxiety for a few weeks so you can have your second dose? Although you feel both options spell catastrophe, the jab is time limited fear whereas your covid fear will go on.

Have you posted about this before? It seems familiar.

I understand OP. I was totally knocked for six by the pandemic - have always had anxiety and OCD, though it had never been health based before, but covid was a whole new ball game of fear for it to latch onto. It’s so isolating when people around you seem able to rationalise and remain calm and to you it’s just a terrifying spectre of what ifs and dread. Life basically comes to a standstill and it’s hard to imagine yourself being free of the constant hyper vigilance.

Like you, I felt better after getting the vaccine (AZ) - only for the blood clot news to come out and set me right back to square one. It really did feel like 2 steps forward 3 steps back.

I had my second dose last weekend. I angsted over it for weeks and (to my embarrassment, as I know I was lucky to have it) was in tears beforehand as I just didn’t know what to do and felt like you the choices were both shit. I felt intense and shameful envy at those getting other vaccines and felt angry at being put in this position.

In the end I weighed up the risks and also, like a PP, thought that at least the clot anxiety would be short lived until the ‘danger zone’ has passed.

A week on and I’m doing ok - I am anxious of course and am analysing every twinge, and I will be very glad when 4 weeks is up - but I feel like I did the right thing. The indecision and catastrophising were driving me insane.

As you know anxiety hates lack of control and lack of certainty and both of those things are at play here, big time. So I’m trying (and only partially succeeding!) to stay away from overly reassuring myself with reading stuff online and accepting that while the risk is very low it’s not zero and accepting the uncertainty around that.

It is so hard and a lot of people just don’t get it. They see us as dramatic, irrational, attention seeking or whatever - but it is so bloody awful to live with this crushing fear day in day out and that’s without a bloody pandemic in the mix.

Wish you the best of luck with your decision OP- at the end of the day only you can decide, weigh up the options, and when you make your decision try to accept it and ‘sit with’ the anxiety and the inevitable scary thoughts. Tell yourself you can deal with the here and now and that at this moment you’re ok. You got this

Apparently no one has died of clots following the second dose, so if you were going to get them it would have already happened.

Have a look at this? It may reassure you a little. I am in a similar situation, although over 40 but still worried about my second dose:

threadreaderapp.com/thread/1396139927537176576.html

A doctor on the BBC said that if you had no reaction to the first AZ jab you are at even lower risk (essentially no risk) than the very very low risk of the general population. If you did not react the the first, the second is very safe for you.

Can you go back for some top up CBT? This sounds like the anxiety vicious circle has gotten stronger again, and you are back engaging with the worrisome thoughts. You will know from your previous CBT that the more you engage the stronger the thoughts become - it is the same process as your other anxiety thoughts, just the latest trigger for them. Your therapist should be able to help you with this, or you can look at online self help to remind yourself of how anxiety vicious circles work. I wish you the best of luck with it- the good news is that you managed to work on this before, which is the best indicator you will be able to again.

I had a similar reaction to the pandemic.
And unfortunately also had AZ first dose.
Yes it is a bit triggering. I was ok to start with as it seemed second dose would be ok but now there are cases after that too.
I think we had covid last apr and i was very ill, so wouldnt really have been able to deliberate over which vax was best.
It's annoying too as dp had AZ being 40+ so extra to worry about.

I do feel gov should change second dose for those that want to. Weve already taken more risk than most others. And it is higher for younger women than men.

I agree it's the lack of control. I dont think it's irrational.

Your spiraling you need professional mental health support no platitudes will help you

My sympathies OP. I have OCD and no amount of logic or reassurance actually helps much at the end of the day.... I just have to keep reminding myself you can't actually die of panicking! Have you got someone who can drive you there and back and sit with you a bit afterwards? Probably a good idea to surround yourself with some friendly positive people.

Can you rationalise that upon having your second dose, your anxiety may increase for a short period of time in the ‘danger zone’ (not that it’s anything to really worry about but I get that you can’t tell your brain that).. then, after 4 weeks you’ve got max protection & would hopefully feel really good?! Much like you did after your first dose?

If covid etc makes you feel almost suicidal, then you have two choices. You continue to feel so bad you don’t want to be here or you take the ‘risk’ of the vaccine. You could be an unlucky one, anyone could, but it’s incredibly unlikely .. but if you don’t want to be here & living with the covid risk (which isn’t going anywhere anytime soon) why not just take the chance anyway?

Hope you are OK OP, sounds like a tough year 😣

It sounds like you’ve had a difficult time. Can I just rationalize the worry you have about the second dose - people who do not have OCD were also worried when the information came out about the AZ vaccine. So part of your worry is a normal response. The “abnormal” bit for OCD sufferers is the reaction we have to that thought. For me it would be something like “what if I decide to get the vaccine then I die from a clot then it will be all my own fault for not being more cautious” (repeat times infinity) For me my thoughts focus a lot on responsibility and in a round about way to keep my family safe. Also I often catastrophise and think - if _ happened I would not be able to cope. I have been working hard and when I have an obsessive thought I’ll intentionally engage in deep breathing and repeat a mantra like “the floor is hard”. I have also started to distance myself from the thought by saying to myself - I notice I am having a thought about ... right now. And not attach any meaning to it. I also use another technique I would prefer if x did not happen but If it did, I know I would cope with it.

So sorry that you are feeling like this.

Your go's response was awful. Can you see a different doctor?

My view: everything I have read suggests that the (very small) risk from the AZ vaccine is a risk that applies 4 days to 2 weeks after the first jab, if I recall the blurb they gave me when I had my jab correctly. You are well outside that zone now. The risks are not associated with the second jab, as I understand it.