I won’t get to see this friend will I?

[absogutted]

Haven’t seen any friends since May 2019 due to seriously ill mental health and then pandemic . Have seen just my grandmother, an uncle and a cousin . No one else .

Very, very good friend - like a mum to me - promised we’d go out for lunch over summer and I’d get a big hug, if all’s back to normal; she has shielding relatives at home as do I . Both of us vaccinated and promised to do a lateral flow first .

I’m utterly desperate to see her and give her a huge hug; I’ve missed her so much it hurts . Desperately need social contact from someone, anyone but would love to see her especially . She lives same county but two hours drive away .

I’m guessing with the news that there’s now another wave incoming, that won’t be happening, and I stupidly just want to sit and cry . I know it’s stupid, I know it’s so so minor and small compared to deaths and job losses and economy falling apart around us ... but I just wanted a hug from her and can’t bear the thought that it won’t be happening, and am dreading the thought of another several months spent at home seeing no one . Absolutely gutted .

@Ostara212 - I meant for both parties to look at the risks proportionately, not just the OP.

However, if the friend won't meet, perhaps she isn't able to be proportionate - or maybe she just doesn't want to meet
Very gently, OP - you can't depend on one other person for your happiness and mental wellbeing, especially somebody you only see once a year and then on her own terms. I think you need to try and branch out, meet some people near to you who you can have a more balanced friendship with.

@Ostara212

OP I have a similar thing with a mum figure

It's really hard because I know I need to make other friends but now is not possible

I hear you

Thank you , it’s difficult isn’t it . I love her very much but I suspect that feeling isn’t quite reciprocated . Definitely, definitely would like to make friends where there isn’t a power imbalance if that makes sense, it’s just hard especially as you say just now . It hurts when you see everyone else going back to ‘normal’ on social media and I think, well I haven’t got anyone desperate to see me ...!

I guess it’s the friend’s choice ultimately. But right now is probably the safest time just as we have all been in lockdown for so long and cases are low (not everywhere I know).

I think you may need to prepare yourself for not seeing her. Not due to restrictions but her view on Covid and risks. I hope you can meet some local friends.

I'm so sorry you're hurting, I understand that. I definitely think making more friends, even though it will take time, will help you to feel better and will alleviate the sadness of this power imbalance. Do you think she's using the pandemic as a bit of an excuse not to meet up more readily, if the friendship is pretty one-sided, like you say?

I just want to encourage you that it is definitely possible to meet new people and have people in your life who really care about you, for you. People who are desperate to catch up when it's been ages! It takes time to cultivate those connections but you can get there, don't give all your power away to this one person but instead focus on what you can do, today, to start meeting local friends so you aren't dwelling on this one friendship and when you'll get to meet.
Sending you a gentle un-mumsnetty hug, OP.

OP "It hurts when you see everyone else going back to ‘normal’ on social media and I think, well I haven’t got anyone desperate to see me ...!"

I know the feeling. And you can't say, hey, I'll drive two hours and meet in your garden because then you sound desperate.

Seeing my family from next weekend is going to have to be enough but there's a world of difference between friends and family.

@Ostara212

OP "It hurts when you see everyone else going back to ‘normal’ on social media and I think, well I haven’t got anyone desperate to see me ...!"

I know the feeling. And you can't say, hey, I'll drive two hours and meet in your garden because then you sound desperate.

Seeing my family from next weekend is going to have to be enough but there's a world of difference between friends and family.

Absolutely . I haven’t really seen my family much either tbh by circumstance - I really wish I could drive as I’d be off like a shot visiting people but it’s not always so easy . My family are lovely, mostly (!) but we tend to only see each other at weddings and funerals sadly .

I did get a text today from someone which has made my entire day, and feeling slightly less alone than before, but it’s definitely frustrating .

I do think that re the pandemic in some ways ie excuses and almost certainly not being as desperate to see me as I am her; I think she almost certainly doesn’t see me as a close friend but it’s hard to tell . Lots of mixed signals .

Thank you all so, so much for the lovely replies; I wasn’t sure if I should have explained the full story, glad I have !

@absogutted and @Ostara212 - you both deserve to have friends who are excited to see you. I hope you can find some. I don't know your personal circumstances, but with my friends I've organised a couple of group meet-ups recently outside pubs, each time nobody else has been out-out yet. So if you have other acquaintances who you'd like to be closer with then it may be worth asking, especially inviting a few people at once, because a small group is a little more chilled. They might not have contacted you, but people are still getting around to arranging things, so don't be shy to ask.

[quote MRex]**@absogutted* and @Ostara212* - you both deserve to have friends who are excited to see you. I hope you can find some. I don't know your personal circumstances, but with my friends I've organised a couple of group meet-ups recently outside pubs, each time nobody else has been out-out yet. So if you have other acquaintances who you'd like to be closer with then it may be worth asking, especially inviting a few people at once, because a small group is a little more chilled. They might not have contacted you, but people are still getting around to arranging things, so don't be shy to ask.[/quote]
That's really kind

I knew I needed to make an effort as I moved a lot after uni and now I'm settled, but lockdown put the kibosh on making friends. I also really wanted to do some evening classes but can't see that happening.

I do have friends two hours away but like I said, you can't appear that desperate. I've had the promises to meet up before the new variant and now it's all "see how that goes".

I guess it's that feeling of not being on top of anyone's list, it's hard to manage.

[quote MRex]@absogutted* and *@Ostara212 - you both deserve to have friends who are excited to see you. I hope you can find some. I don't know your personal circumstances, but with my friends I've organised a couple of group meet-ups recently outside pubs, each time nobody else has been out-out yet. So if you have other acquaintances who you'd like to be closer with then it may be worth asking, especially inviting a few people at once, because a small group is a little more chilled. They might not have contacted you, but people are still getting around to arranging things, so don't be shy to ask.[/quote]
Thank you , that’s a lovely thing to say! I am doing a degree at the moment but don’t chat much to classmates, the distance with it all being online makes it that much harder to build up friendships - need to keep trying I think!

@Ostara212 if you ever want a chat, about anything, I’m happy to pm anytime 😊❤️ - sometimes it helps just to chat to someone in the same position even if it’s online !