How will communities ever heal after all this?

[ForeignBody]

Firstly I realise that those who have suffered the most are those that lost their lives to the pandemic or knock on effects thereof, their families and those with Long Covid.
I live alone and saw almost nobody for months and months on end during the harshest phase of lockdown. Where I live isn't a place I like anyway but it has turned into a total nightmare with accusations of illegal socialising, competitive suffering, people going on and on about grandparents and grandchildren and totally ignoring and patronising single people living alone. I suffer from depression which got way worse during lockdown but never felt I could say anything as people would slap it down as self indulgent. I seriously contemplated ending my life in January. I hated the stuff people were posting on here, I hated the local FB group, I hated the stupid videos about people baking and painting rainbows. I just don't know how I can ever heal and how the broken community I live in can either

I'm sorry to hear that, op. I'm a lone parent so had my son for company but no bubbles or support. I feel really different and also have some health issues now. I've struggled with the realisation that I don't have anyone nearby in my corner.

Was hoping to start seeing some people but everyone's busy with people more important than me. When my son is with his father, I'm totally alone.

I'm trying to just give it time and when I'm strong enough to make changes, maybe I will. Maybe you can think about it too? Can you move?

Local village Facebook is not a true reflection of local feeling and attitudes. Usually the people who are just trying to get on as best they can (without judging and snitching on others) are NOT the ones posting on the village facebook page. They are normally just trying to cope with their own issues, and have no interest in getting into Facebook arguments with busibodies.

The loudest, twattiest, nosiest people are often the ones most likely to appoint themselves as the Covid police and spout random shit on Facebook. So they are more visible, but it does not mean they are the majority!

Those posting baking and rainbows, however, often mean well. Some people do that kind of thing because they are struggling themselves, and it makes them feel like they are connecting or helps them jolly themselves up iyswim. I don't think they realise that it can make others feel worse, and this is often far from their intention. (I only share those kind of pics with family over WhatsApp etc, but some people will share with their whole Facebook audience. But I don't think they are being intentionally insensitive.)

I am so sorry to hear of the time you had, it sounds crap, and I am sorry it was made worse by insensitive posts on social media. But please don't think that the worst of the local Facebook group represents everyone in your community - I'd bet my last jaffa cake that it doesn't!

Start with small steps and focus on your own life. Everyones got different lives and experienced covid differently so dont focus on what others are saying and whether you can relate to it or not. No need to bother with Facebook. Focus on improving your own life and nurturing 2/3 friendships. If you dont have anyone youre close to practise striking up a conversation with anyone you meet who seems friendly. There are good people out there and most people want to get back to some kind of normal and meet others.

Another tip is just to look out for other people who seem to be on their own or perhaps would love it if someone said hello to them. One man said good morning to me the other day while i was out with my toddler and was really genuinely friendly and made my day. Ive been saying hello to old ladies ive passed sitting on benches who make eye contact. It makes you feel good inside. The thought that you are alleviating someone elses loneliness helps. And also just smiling at people and trying to be kind to anyone you meet. It takes the focus off yourself and boosts your happiness and theirs.

I don't think this is about communities healing. This is about you, and your depression.
In many places communities have formed where there wasn't a sense of community at all.
Even the rainbows and the baking and on-line quizzes etc were part of people who were reaching out and forming communities.
IF you are struggling with the local FB group that is easily resolved by removing yourself from it. Ditto anyone else that makes you feel that you hate what they are saying.

I would say in response to the last comment that others have also mentioned how what was once or at least appeared to be a genuine community, fractured. People started accusing each other of all sorts and there is a rift that I don't know if it will ever heal. The only people I count as acquaintances locally said they too had felt a loss of warmth and community. People used to say hello on the street pre pandemic now they just walk past you. A local health worker rules over the local FB Covid support group with a rod of iron, saying she has seen people out walking when they shouldn't have been and so on. Yes I am depressed but isn't it possible that the sense of community has been affected too?

My physical community is coming back together. My youth groups (local) and junior parkrun (wider area) is back. That helps a lot. So many people at the junior parkrun are so glad to be back doing something so normal and socuable. One chap is travelling 50 miles to help us as we're the nearest to where he is at present as a way to get his social fix.

Around my neighbourhood it tends to be families who are busy enough getting through their own lives, and not too much element of bored busybodies who at the best of times get offended over things like teenagers having the audacity to exist.
I don't follow general "Spotted" type community pages which helps.

There's a big difference in personality types who sit frothing over keyboards, and those who actually engage in real communities. In the next 6 weeks or so, it will get easier for those physical communitues to get back together.

Some insular communities do bear grudges and scars can run deep, often for generations, but they are the minority. If you're stuck in one of those it's best to try and focus beyond them and seek a broader pool of contact.

I’d say community has strengthened in my area. I didn’t know my neighbours at all prior to covid but as we all came out & clapped, we started talking & got to know each other far more. People popped letters through the door offering help with shopping etc .. there are more people our supporting the local high street, cafes & pubs are chokka, the mood is upbeat. Community feels more real now actually.

OP, it sounds like your depression is really affecting how you view things. Maybe your community has suffered but I think a lot is being heightened here by how you are currently perceiving the world. Have people really stopped saying hello all that often? Was it actually happening that much before? I don’t tend to say hello to people, I’m a bit shy .. but I’m not unfriendly. I just keep myself to myself out walking!

Those judging others, well, nothing so odd as folk. Soon there will be a lot less to judge. The curtain twitchers will go back to complaining about people talking too loudly outside their house.. people are quick to forget. Once restrictions go to a large extent, it’ll calm down. I’m sure most people are just getting on with life quietly. When I think about my community, I know about 1% of it. I’ve no idea what 99% of households are doing/thinking. You are only hearing those who are shouting loudest.

As for Facebook, remove it. It’s not healthy for anyone. Or at least mute it! Ours is OK but yours sounds dire.

And finally OP - you say you live alone & only have acquaintances in your area .. can you do something about this? Can you move near family or friends? Can you join some hobby classes to make new friends? In my area at least groups have sprung up to support those feeling isolated during the pandemic.. if nothing similar in your area, can you look nearby? Voluntary groups? There’s one around me that helps tidy up the local area. I take my 3 year old on a weekend & we litter pick! Would it help you feel more ‘in’ the community?

HolmeH and others thanks for the constructive suggestions. Honestly at times all it would take is a little bit of empathy from someone in a different position. I didn't see a single person for weeks and months on end and only did Zoom video calls

The thing with the local groups is, it's a small community so most of the local groups are sewn up by the local clique of middle class parents/retirees. I've always before this been much more of an international not local person and my friends are really scattered around Europe and not in one place. I don't feel like I can say I miss having friends or a social life because I'm not a health service not key worker and obviously some people lost people. So I have kind of turned inward and got very alone and isolated and depressed. Thanks for the positive stuff you said though. I wish I knew a place where there were more people that I felt thought like me, then I'd look into moving there

I don't feel like I can say I miss having friends or a social life because I'm not a health service not key worker and obviously some people lost people. So I have kind of turned inward and got very alone and isolated and depressed.

I can understand why you feel like that. I am a key worker and got heaps of praise for it, especially when I was going to work during the first lockdown. But the person I felt deserved the attention was my neighbour who lives alone and was really lonely - she had a very active life before this. She'd come out and say hello when she saw me getting home in the evening and was obviously desperate to talk to someone.

You mentioned acquaintances in your area who are not like the annoying Facebook group people, could you maybe get to know them better? Or in the next few weeks when things are opening up again, maybe start to find a social circle in some other way. It's a cliché but look for hobby groups or volunteering, something to get you out and mixing with normal, non-judgy people.

There are nice people out there, they just tend not to make as much noise as the other type.

I know what you mean. My street have all come closer together, we made a WhatsApp group and ensured every household had someone collecting shopping when needed. We made sure dogs were walked if the owner was isolating and that everyone has someone knock on the door if they lived alone for a very socially distanced catch-up.

My children's school however is a very different story. They have lost 4 parents to Covid, and on the other side of the fence are some very vocal Covid deniers/mask refusers. It's ok at the minute as parents aren't allowed in the school, but there are things said that can never be taken back.

One mum in DS2's class went on an epic fb rant about how it was all fake and attention seeking behaviour, and a conspiracy by the government. This was 1 day after we had an email from the headteacher to say a mum of one of the children in the class has died of Covid, she was a frontline worker. The widowed husband saw the posts.

Not every rift will be healed.

@lunar1

I know what you mean. My street have all come closer together, we made a WhatsApp group and ensured every household had someone collecting shopping when needed. We made sure dogs were walked if the owner was isolating and that everyone has someone knock on the door if they lived alone for a very socially distanced catch-up.

My children's school however is a very different story. They have lost 4 parents to Covid, and on the other side of the fence are some very vocal Covid deniers/mask refusers. It's ok at the minute as parents aren't allowed in the school, but there are things said that can never be taken back.

One mum in DS2's class went on an epic fb rant about how it was all fake and attention seeking behaviour, and a conspiracy by the government. This was 1 day after we had an email from the headteacher to say a mum of one of the children in the class has died of Covid, she was a frontline worker. The widowed husband saw the posts.

Not every rift will be healed.

That's absolutely awful about the widowed Dad and the way that Mum reacted. Yes I can imagine that being one of the unhealable wounds. I just kind of get this feeling that empathy is in such short supply where I live, it is as if all the single people, or people who don't fit in, are thrashing around looking for a place where they could move to and be around their tribe. The FB brigade and the Rainbow & Sourdough lot (though I do' take the point that the latter are possibly largely well-meaning) have found their tribe, there seem to be loads of them. I just long to find mine. I wonder how many people who used to find belonging on a wider geographical scale are now isolated in this new localism?

OP I agree

All the judgement around over the last year has been awful to see.

I hear you OP.

Some bloke from a local fb group im on slid into my fb PMs at 11pm on Christmas Day
He pointed out that we havent always seen eye to eye (well i tend not to get on with misogynists) he wished me a Merry Christmas and asked me if id spent it with family (tier 4 so trying to catch me out, i did spend it with family as part of support bubble but didnt tell him that as its none of his business) then he prattled on about how the new strain had been found in our town. WRONG, It turned out to be Kent, We are in Essex. Then he went on about how there was a 70% higher chance of catching this one. And he said how at least we are following the rules unlike some hmm

A gap and then another message from him on the 27th Dec at 10.50pm asking how my Christmas had been so far and was i still staying safe. I ignored it. Then a Happy New Year message on NYE.
I dont know him personally. Ive never physically met him. Felt fucking policed

@ForeignBody. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I also live on my own. I hate where I live and am desperate to move.

I've not seen any friends and my dad for 1 week in about 18 months.

I've still not met my only nephew.

I've had 0 Psychiatric support even by phone for the whole length of Covid.

For me my healing will be once I've saved enough to move close to my family. Hopefully get better nhs care ( can't get worse). Just a new fresh start.

I really do hope things improve for you.

Well, the community won't be the same in 20 years. People who are currently teenagers will be parents approaching 40 and the currently middle aged will be pensioners. Kids will barely remember this when they reach their teens and start dating etc. Life goes on.

The best thing I ever did for my mental health was get rid of Fussbook and Twitter. I don't miss them and have never looked back. Get rid of Facebook.

I agree, stay well away from local FB or take it all with a pinch of salt. Community spirit has not improved around here either and it's the same old clique mostly based on what you have and how many centuries your ancestors have lived in the area. It's slowly evolving as people die off and fresh blood moves into new housing but I am moving for a fresh start and won't miss anyone so I see it as liberating!

[quote Torvean]@ForeignBody. I can relate to a lot of what you say. I also live on my own. I hate where I live and am desperate to move.

I've not seen any friends and my dad for 1 week in about 18 months.

I've still not met my only nephew.

I've had 0 Psychiatric support even by phone for the whole length of Covid.

For me my healing will be once I've saved enough to move close to my family. Hopefully get better nhs care ( can't get worse). Just a new fresh start.

I really do hope things improve for you.[/quote]
I empathise with much of this especially the mental health stuff. I hope you get to move and leave the bad memories behind

There are people I will not forgive or forget the way they've behaved with the bullying, judgement, utter intolerance and general shitbaggery.

The ones who told floundering kids to "learn resilience" (you're 6 years old and you have your entire world removed overnight - it's a big as fuck thing for a little mind to compute), the ones who wanted enforced vaccination and exclusion from society for any who couldn't have it for whatever reason. The self-appointed NHS clap-enforcers... the ones who called and reported an illegal gathering for a family collecting some spare shirts left hanging on the outside door handle of a house - to go to a funeral to bury their father.

I will remain civil and behaving like an adult (which is more than some of them have done) - but I will remember. Likewise businesses who behaved like twats - those I remember and I will continue to no longer support.

Competitive misery!
It’s been so tough on so many OP and I’ve no doubt that living alone during Covid world have been really, really difficult and damaging in many ways.
I hope you are able to heal especially as things start to open up again.

@CoffeeWithCheese absolutely! What’s really irked me is everyone judging everyone by their own standards. Me and my DS were isolated, he was on track with his speech but it’s fallen behind. I said to a friend I was concerned the isolation isn’t helping. “Oh” she said “my mum was a SAHM and it never did me any harm” it’s not the same!

I’m surprised and dismayed by the stories on here. It has been the opposite where I live!
Within a day of the request going out, over 200 people had signed up as covid volunteers to help with befriending, collecting prescriptions and shopping, etc in my area. The village all pulled together, helping suggest nice local walks for new residents, doing litter picks, thinking of covid safe entertainment for the kids, and so on.
The village shop staff worked their socks off to supply shielding pensioners at home, the local hotel provided take away meals and a marquee for safe outdoor drinking, the village church went online and even provided a telephone service for elderly parishioners with no internet access.
Everyone in the village feels the pandemic drew us closer together, and hopes that feeling will continue afterwards.
I hope your own community can heal, OP, and learn how to work together more constructively.
I think some people felt frightened by covid, and either sought refuge in denial, or tried to control it by policing their neighbours. If you can understand and forgive their actions, OP, or at least forget about them, it should be possible to move on. Good luck!

I wouldnt be too sure about that @MrsTroutfire

www.lauradodsworth.com/a-state-of-fear

Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself

@MercyBooth

I wouldnt be too sure about that *@MrsTroutfire*

www.lauradodsworth.com/a-state-of-fear

Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself

Wow this book looks interesting