Covid quandary

[Realitea]

I’ve stuck to every rule and guideline this past year. I have anxiety and I’m terrified of catching covid. I may have had it for all I know but I can’t help but worry.
Dh has been sticking with everything too but he’s just had enough now and really wants to visit his parents. MIL is very unwell and we don’t know how much time she has left with us. He only just found this out last week. She hasn’t told him, probably so not to worry him but another family member made him aware. We don’t really have the full facts as there is a lot of secretiveness going on for some reason
MIL lives about 90 miles away and is having people in the house regularly and attending hospital appointments regularly. I am just too afraid to go in fear of catching the virus.
Dh wants to go and take the dc
I just don’t know what to do I feel I’m being pulled in two directions
On top of ‘the fear’ I worry that dc might tell their classmates that they’ve been to see their grandparents and that Dh could get fined
I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Your mother in law is very ill and may not have much time left. Of course he should visit her!!!

Why would DH get fired? Does he work at their school?

I would encourage DH to go, wear a mask & ventilate the rooms, wash hands etc. Talk to his parents & see what the situation is.

He can take the DC (&you) another time. Maybe towards the end of the Easter Holiday & visit in the garden.

Yes do visit her. People don't get fined for that kind of behaviour. If you had a rave party in your basement yes probably, but visiting ill grandparent I don't think so. Keep your distances, open windows, no hugs.

Actually I despair at what we’ve become when the thought of children telling their school that they’ve visited their terminally ill grandmother would prevent someone from going.

My marriage would be over if my husband didn’t let me visit my terminally ill mother, regardless of covid. I’ve followed every rule and I still am but if my mum is terminally ill, I’m driving 4 hours to see her and I don’t care if I get fined. If police tried to stop me, I’d probably end up in jail and I’m a compulsive rule follower so I don’t say that flippantly. I imagine your husband is in the same boat.

I understand you have anxiety about covid but really he needs to go.

I’m not saying Dh shouldn’t go. He’s going, no question about it and he is taking the DC.
I’m worried about going myself
I know they’ll hug and be indoors. I just feel I can’t do it out of fear!

If she is an older person she may have had the vaccine anyway. Rates are falling and with proper care the risk is minimal. You are being very selfish and unreasonable to expect your DH to not visit his parents at this time. You are in the age range to have minimal symptoms anyway. I'm not sure why the DC need to go to unless he thinks it is their last time to see the GM?

Either way you health anxiety should not stop this and you should not put any guilt on your DH. He will never forgive you if you prevent him seeing his dying mother.

But then if they caught it they’d still bring it back to me so maybe I should just go.
Dh has already said they’re not making mil sit in the garden when I suggested it was an outdoor visit which I’d be much less anxious about

I am not saying Dh should stop seeing his mother!

I assume you haven’t been vaccinated, which makes you a low risk group. So if your health anxiety is that bad, you need to talk to a professional.

I am having psychotherapy and although I’m in my 40’s I am obese which I am trying to tackle

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants FINED not fired.

If they are hugging (which they damn well should!), you may as well go - if there was anything to catch, they could catch it anyway and pass it to you.

If they do tell their classmates, it would be a real heartless bastard that would report that! If I heard that from a child in my class, reporting them would be the LAST thing on my mind!
Also, can't imagine a fine is likely if it is just a one off reported incident.

Please, for your sake and your family's, just be brave and get over your fear. PPE up to the hilt, wash hands and use loads of gel.

You should all go and spend time with her. Wash your hands etc
I’d not give school a second thought

Please let them hug her and chat about anything but COVID

You are likely more at risk from dc being at school especially if mil is vaccinated.
We are on our second cold? Since sept and they were both 100% from school (no distancing and allowed to go in with sore throat/runny nose etc)

Thank you. I am thinking I will go now as someone said, if they’re going anyway (which I haven’t said they shouldn’t) what difference does it make if I don’t as they’d bring home anything they caught anyway

My MIL is currently on end of life care, absolutely we hugged and kissed when we saw her. She knows she is dying, I'm not going to refuse human touch.

Go, time is precious, covid isn't the be all and end all.

I am just too afraid to go in fear of catching the virus

Your MIL is about to die and you are scared to visit her in case you catch a virus that over 99% of people survive.

I hope you do visit her, and hug and comfort her given you say she may not have long left. Poor woman may well have a reason to be afraid, you do not.

The thing is, it’s all very secretive and we don’t know if she has five years or five months or five days. No one is telling us anything.
I asked Dh to try to get some answers as he has a right to know
To be on the safe side we should go. I think I’ve made up my mind. Hopefully she will open up to us while we are there

This post is so sad. Sad that your MIL is terminally ill and then I guess won’t have seen her DH or grandchildren at all this year? So your poor DH hasn’t spent the last few months with his Mum.

You need to get a sense of perspective. Your MIL is dying and you’re worried about catching a virus that 99% survive and age is the biggest determiner of that . You are young. Your kids are far more likely to pick it up at school. You’re focusing on the wrong things here. I hope your DH can spend some time with her and give her hugs as can your children. If you want to stand at the other end of the room by an open window then so be it.

Can’t believe you were going to make her sit in the garden so she doesn’t give YOU a virus when she is the one dying! You must have a very patient DH.

Your anxiety is irrational and is making you selfish. Sorry to be so blunt because you probably can't help feeling the way you do, but if you recognise it maybe you can take steps to limit the impact on others.

Your DH and DC should definitely go. I'd say you should only go if you can avoid making it horrible for your MIL when you are there by freaking out if the kids hug her etc. Otherwise better stay away so your DH can concentrate on his mum.

I suppose anxiety is a selfish illness. You turn inwards and can’t see beyond your own feelings, you focus on what ifs and make predictions with the worst outcomes rather than focussing outwards. I would love to be how normal people are. Being aware of it is a good step but I reached that a while ago and I’m still trying to overcome it.
Situations like this do test the most patient of people including Dh and he is great. I haven’t at any point made him feel like I don’t want him to go. I at least realise that this is my problem. No one else’s and I won’t hold back other people.
I have decided I will go anyway. Thanks everyone for their comments.