Covid has made it clear how few friends I have

[Fluffymarshmallows]

Does anyone else feel like this?
Especially now that people are getting excited about meeting one other person outdoors again or 6 other people outside from the 29th.
I don’t have anyone to meet up with, well I have one friend, but she’s busy a lot of time with her own stuff, work commitments etc.

I feel more lonely than ever.
My family don’t live near me, they are several hundred miles away on the other side of the country.
I just feel so isolated.
I have to message people to arrange a meet up, they never seem to message me first.
I go for a lot of walks by myself, I don’t even have another person to exercise outdoors with.

I know what you mean. Most of my closest friends live a few towns over as do my family.
I'm always the one to message people first and although they're always happy to meet, I do wonder that if I didn't message then they may not ever message me!

If you want more friends, you need to make more friends. That’s difficult right at the moment, but will become easier as restrictions relax. Join groups of people with likeminded interests: I’ve found ParkRun excellent for this, everyone is so encouraging of each other and the social meets after each run. I recently moved and joined the local branch of the WI, which seems to be a group of women who genuinely want to meet and get to know other women in their area.

I often read of people complaining that they have to be the one among their friends who suggests meeting up but frankly, somebody has to make the suggestion to do it and somebody else not doing so doesn’t mean they can’t be bothered with you: they could feel the same as you (wanting somebody else to make the effort to show they care), or unsure whether somebody would actually be interested, or just busy and a bit scatterbrained and never getting around to it. I tend to be one of the ones who suggests and organises meets among my friends and it’s never occurred to me to think of this as a negative: my friends are always very glad that somebody got their act together and ensured we could all see each other!

Covid has really made me realise how everyone seems to have a huge extended family. I have two living relatives - my mum in her late 70s and an aunt in her 80s who lives in a care home. There's been no family Zoom parties or quiz nights, no WhatsApp groups, and no support bubble as they live in a different country.

Most of my friends either live further away or we were mostly communicating online or by phone before covid too.

I feel like there's no one waiting for me at the end of lockdown either, no one to meet in April, May or June when restrictions change/lift. I will see people eventually but I'm definitely not top of anyone's list at all (and probably can't travel back to see my mum for a long time yet).

I know what you mean and I feel the same. I don't even have that one friend - all my social interactions have been through work but now working from home I realised that I really don't have even one friend. I didn't feel the need for it as my social needs were satisfied by just going to work and interacting with people there.
I feel that it's much more difficult to make friends when you are adult. As kids, making friends was super-easy. But as adults, we become so stuck in our own ways. We want friends to have the same interests as us, to be from the same socio-economic background, to be in the same situation in life as us (i.e. have family, work), from the same country, etc etc. So many expectations and restrictions! If only it was easy to let go of these!

I know how you feel, OP. I go for walks on my own because there's no-one I can ask to go with me. It doesn't matter if I can go with 1 other, 6 others or 66, it doesn't make a difference.

I think there are people who have used their friends quite shamelessly over the last year. I supported one friend who was shielding in Lockdown 1 - shopping, doorstep chats, phone calls - who promptly ignored me as soon as shielding finished, bubbled with another friend some distance away and has regularly gone on trips and days out (when you could) and walks with her. Completely ignored my requests even for a walk. Stuff it!

I agree with Comtesse that being the one to organise stuff doesn't mean other people value the friendship less. They might just be less on the ball or may not be confident enough to invite people. Before covid I was that person in my friendship group and I always liked it, as it meant we generally did things on my terms and I rarely felt obliged to do social stuff when I wasn't in the mood.

I have very few good friends living nearby though and most of us don't have cars, so lockdown has been hard at times. Do you live with anyone and/or have a support bubble? I had to make one with someone I'm not super close to due to distance and other people's circumstances, but it was actually still really nice just to be able to go into someone else's house sometimes and feel a bit more normal, even if we weren't best mates.

NeverBeenNormal that's horrible that she's ignoring you now, what a crap 'friend'!

Can I join the club? I can count on one hand the number of unsolicited texts I’ve reviewed in the last year. Ie. Text not prompted by ones I’ve sent. I know people have become more insular in the last year.

There is one constant amongst all the social butterflies I know with loads of mates - Facebook.

It's crap, I choose never to be on Facebook because of issues with a previous work colleague who became a bit obsessed with harassing me. I never want her to track me down again. Not to mention the amount of fake news and annoying status updates, endless politics, witch hunts and showing off. Its a horrible place, but I have to accept that if I opt out then I lose the chance to connect with local mom and hobby groups.

Luckily i have a couple of good old fashioned friends who like to communicate via phone or text rather than flashy photo updates to all and sundry on social media. Their friendship is far more valuable to me than having a larger network of vague acquaintances.

I am in a similar position. In fact lockdown is not much different than we were before the lockdown and will be after. We are
a family of 3 but living separate lives to a large extent. No one to bubble with.

I have very few family left and whilst I have friends, I have found the last year they have mainly focused on family. It’s been good for them as they have reconnected and whilst I am happy for them it has come at a cost for me. It’s also hard to keep in contact when there is not much to say.

I’ve stayed in touch with most friends and family but conversations are becoming a bit strained because no one is actually doing anything or planning anything. They tend to revolve around what’s on TV.

I know what you mean OP... My family are also all at the other end of the country and although I do have and appreciate a handful of old friends and a couple of new ones who live near me, it can feel pretty lonely. I especially found going back to school difficult as I had to be the lone mum in amongst all the gaggles of friend groups again.

I read an article about making friends as an adult ages ago and it said by far the best thing to do is to do something you’re interested in - a club, class, group etc. Groups of people at similar stages - baby group mums, colleagues etc are less likely to foster friendships. I have joined a walking group but no walks running yet, and I am looking for classes to provisionally book for the summer.

I think we shouldn’t undervalue fleeting relationships too - in ordinary times as well as friends we have the much less spoken about contacts with people we cross paths with - and there have been studies to show that these relationships are also really impactful to people’s well-being. The person you recognise on a dog walk, cashier you chat to, yoga teacher etc. We are all missing those contacts and can interpret our loneliness as us being ‘friendless’ when it might be also to do with missing all sorts of social contact we never really even noticed.

OP, if it makes you feel any better- I also feel this way. I'm not sure what happened. I know a fair amount of people, but it's quite superficial I find and I'm not fulfilled by those ' friendships '.

It's family I feel let down by. My siblings haven't been in touch for months and when they reply to me, it's a couple of lines. I fell out with my mother before lockdown so contact with her has been very very limited and I don't want to see her. Even my children have been quite unsupportive. It's been a few friends through WhatsApp who have been an absolute lifeline.

Me too, ignore those who tell you making friends is easy... might be if your 5 but less so as an adult with an exhaustingly busy life and family living miles away

@psychomath

NeverBeenNormal that's horrible that she's ignoring you now, what a crap 'friend'!

Thank you. I was always the 'big sister' type friend who listened to all her problems and got her out of trouble. After she had to stop shielding, she decided that she wanted to have FUN and I think that I was a bit too boring for her.

I feel the same. I have just never had a wide social circle 😔 I'm somewhat dreading the easing of restrictions when it will feel like everyone else in the country will go out to the nice pub gardens, or for brunch, dinner, parties, or on holiday, with their big group of friends. I struggle lots with this at the best of times!

Same here. Dh is lovely but I'm dreading him going out with friends again whilst I sit home like a boring wife. I'd love a girly group

I haven't found this. My friendships haven't changed due to covid. I have 5 close friends. Our friendship is the same. We've shared and confided in each other as much in the last year as we've always done.

If covid has highlighted to you that your friends weren't quite as close or reliable as you thought, then that's a shame. But at least you now know and can thus do something about it.

HArd to make friends now but soooo easy when covid finally goes!

I moved to a new town December 2019 where I know no one, so barely time to know anyone before lockdown.

I joined a local walking Facebook group and set up my own group for people to meet and walk their dogs. Loads of people joined my group (it’s free) and now, although I am yet to form real close friendships, I have people to message, walk with and I’m hoping expand into meeting for coffee etc as things open up.
I do most of the messaging, but that’s ok.

I’ve also joined the local women’s group and have joined in some online activities and am starting to see people to say hi to as I’m out and about.

You have to put yourself out there.

I could have written your OP. When I actually think about who has bothered to contact me to see how I am over this time it really upsets me. I kept in touch with people I thought were my friends during the first and sent the odd text checking up on people. This lockdown I decided not to just to test the water and see who actually cared. Guess what? No one does. It really hurt at first but now I'm happy as it means I won't waste my time on people who don't care. I think I was doing this far too much. I'd rather have no friends that ones who just use me.

I think when people are lonely they perhaps read a lot into things. I hadn't heard from my friends in ages, turned out a lot of them are just dealing with different crap. It's not necessarily that they're meeting other people like it might seem, it's more likely they're just getting through this too. I htink after covid maybe do think about what you can change, maybe join something, perhaps a move to be closer to your family if that's possible? Maybe sit down and make a list of a hobby or something you've always wanted to try. Just before covis I started swimming and was nice to just go somewhere and talk swimming etc, a friend of mine has started taking an online dance class, something she was scared of doing in real life and another has started an art class. Bes of luck op and continue to keep in touch with your friends too