My fear of catching Covid is out of control

[polelynn]

NC'd.

My fear over contracting Covid is out of control.

I have just been in my garden hanging out my washing and noticed my NDN in their garden. I was literally moving away in my own garden til I thought she had gone before walking down my narrow side path which adjoins theirs. As soon as I was close to our fence, I heard her call out to her husband as I walked past. I came back inside, shaking with fear and crying. I am catastrophizing that she has Covid (unlikely plus I believe she's been vaccinated) and I will contract it.

For background this time last year I was a frontline NHS professional. I had anxiety/trauma pre Covid (due to some work experiences) so when Covid kicked off, I went off sick and could not return. Covid and my previous trauma meant that my work was absolutely not a place of safety for me.

During the last 12 months I have become a shadow of my former self, becoming more and more anxious, taking yet more and more precautions. It rules my life. I see the risk in everything. I've yet to have it as far as I know.

I'm not sure what I want to achieve from sharing this. I think I just need to write this down to show me how bad things have got.

Gosh OP I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it sounds horrible and very draining. I've not got any advice, but it sounds like you know it's out of control and largely irrational, so that's good that you know that.

Having said I've got no advice I'm now wondering if a bit of counselling might help - which you can get online of course.
But be kind to yourself. You are obviously suffering.

That must be really tough, and not really a reasonable level of fear. Perhaps you could see /phone your gp, sounds like anxiety that's stopping you from doing normal things

This sounds awful and sorry that you are going through it. Please book an appointment to see your GP to investigate treatment options.

Thank you. It is draining, constantly being on edge and trying to mitigate even the slightest risk when it is within my control. It's the things I can't control, like earlier, which cause me to spiral. Avoidance (of work, of the risk) certainly hasn't helped me, it's only made matters worse.

Please do chat to your GP. They may recommend medication and/or sine counselling along the lines of CBT. It must be a really stressful and upsetting way to live currently. Do ask for help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

It's an imperfect storm of preexisting anxiety, added to understandable concerns about covid, added to Covid coverage all over the place, added to the isolation that happens when we withdraw to keep ourselves safe.

I think lots of people who have more or less shielded for whatever reason are finding things like walking past people outside, or visiting the petrol station a challenge. It's no surprise and I feel for everyone who finds themself in this position.

I really think you would benefit from talking to your GP, and getting some help.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you.

You've got OCD. Its quite old now but I found a book called Brain Lock really helpful for mine.

Hi OP, having never had an issue with my mental health before I was hit badly by post natal anxiety after my second DS was born. My anxiety was principally around something happening to my DC or DH and later on work related.

Medication was life changing for me. I am no longer paralysed by anxiety. Please speak to your GP, you don't have to feel like this.

What a shame. You can’t live this way, please seek help from your GP.

For background this time last year I was a frontline NHS professional. I had anxiety/trauma pre Covid (due to some work experiences) so when Covid kicked off, I went off sick and could not return. Covid and my previous trauma meant that my work was absolutely not a place of safety for me.

You had pre-existing trauma and have then lived through this dreadfully stressful time, and have had to stop working at your job. You've had such a horrible lot to deal with. No wonder you are feeling this way.

What are the sources of support you have access to?

• GP
• private counselling
• workplace schemes (not sure if you have a workplace now after going off sick)
• mental health charities and support groups
• calling helplines or Samaritans
• reading books about recovering from traumatic experiences

All these things could help you. Your GP should be able to help you access all of them. It might be faster if you are able to access/afford non-NHS counselling.

I really hope you can get some help.

Thank you everyone for your posts, kindness and sources of support.

The imperfect storm and withdrawing to keep myself safe really resonates. At home I feel mostly safe though increasingly fears are trickling into this environment too. When DC return to school this will probably escalate further. I do try hard to protect my DC (and DH) from seeing the worst of it, which again is just exhausting.

My pre-existing trauma definitely meant my resilience was already extremely low when Covid kicked off, but one of the reasons I've not sought help is that I still feel ashamed of the part I’ve not played. That because I didn't step up like my ex-colleagues it’s right that I should suffer. I deserve this. I took the mantra: stay at home, protect the NHS to the extreme, because that’s the only way I could play my part. Now, quite literally, I can’t find my way back out.

I think I’ve been very hard on myself over the last year, and yes I will seek help via my GP.

are you in England? You can self refer to your local IAPT service as a start. They will take you seriously and you can get help for this.

I wanted to check in to update those of you who were kind enough to reply to me earlier this week.

Seeing my posts written down here in black and white made me see how bad things had got and your replies helped me realise that I should not continue to suffer. I've chatted to my GP today. She was really supportive and we've made a plan for treatment.

If my situation resonates with anyone else reading, please seek help too.

@polelynn a huge well done for taking such a big step! I hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's just I know how hard it can be and I do believe that you can make some strides towards feeling better with the right help.

Be kind to yourself if you can, and keep pushing to get yourself some help- you absolutely deserve to feel better

I wanted to bump this thread for anyone who would find it useful. And wanted to echo everything @freckles20 has just posted.

Well done OP - fantastic news, hope you're feeling masses better really soon.
I'm a retired therapist and I always used to say to new clients, it's not the people who ask for help who are weak, they're really brave. It's the ones that don't.

@polelynn

I think you are stronger & braver than you realise. Just by eloquently writing your feelings & behaviours here in your post was a big step forward in your recovery.

Then reflecting on how much of an impact this is having on your quality of life & taking onboard people’s kind suggestions is another sign of strength.

Contacting your GP is another huge step and you should be very proud of yourself.

You will have also unknowingly helped others in the same boat.

I hope in time, you start to feel better xx

I'm guessing your post helped others struggling too.
Good for you. Im so pleased for you.

@polelynn thanks for updating us and I am so pleased you chatted with your GP. Big step forward!