The lockdown didn't change my life - now worried

[betty2020]

I the lockdown actually made me less stressed. I had a reason bot to go out. I wasn't jealous / envious of people making plans.

Now Monday the kids are back at school abs I'm so scared. I've not spoken to anyone ( apart from mum sister brother husband kids) since before Christmas abs even then it was just school mums.

During the school holidays I will only see family.

I'm dreading life going back to normal and me realising my life isn't.

I don't do the shopping I get it delivered. Only take the kids out with my mum or their dad.

I've been in my own "bubble" all year. The lockdown life is normal to be apart from the kids were home. I couldn't see family. I couldn't get my usual food delivery slot.

My severe anxiety and autism don't help.

I realise the friends I thought I had were just school mums. I spoke to them most days when I saw them at school. We did used to meet up out of school too but I've heard nothing. They aren't friends are they. I know they are fine as they are all on Facebook talking about going out and drinking next month.

I feel like I've disappeared from the world since before Christmas and no one has noticed. How sad.

I'm on satraline abs had counselling.

I just want to cry I'm not living I'm waiting for something but I don't know what.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here but I'm so fed up.

Lots and lots of people are in your boat, OP, if that helps. Even people who are generally confident/sociable. We've all been shut away for so long. If you have anxiety and autism then I would say of course you are struggling. This is a huge huge change after a lot of turbulence and worry. You need to be really kind to yourself. It's ok to struggle.

I think you can only take baby steps. Are you part of any support group for other people with autism? I am sure if you reached out (even online) there must be so many people who feel exactly the same as you. Just knowing you aren't alone and having someone to debrief with every once in a while might ease some of the loneliness and pressure. Try not to think about the whole thing of people not having noticed you withdrawing, to be honest so many people have been struggling with just keeping afloat they haven't had the energy to look up from their own families. That's going to get better as spring cheers us all up. You have so much to offer, I'm sure.

And there is no 'normal'. Not really. Just hanging around on Mumsnet for years has made me realise that. If you want a quiet life that's absolutely ok. It's your life. Equally if you want to make more connections there will be ways of building those, it's just about taking steps towards building them.

I think you can start using this time to look at your life and think about exactly what you're unhappy with and what steps you can take to change it.

Lockdown didn't change my life either. I'd been living this way for years. Autistic, sahm, controlling partner who didn't want me to work or have a social life, no friends, very little contact with anyone besides him and our dd. I've left him now, I've been focusing on getting my mental and physical health back in shape, and I'm trying to find a job. I bet there are things you can do that will make your life feel more fulfilled, you just need to have a think about it and start making small steps.

Hi thank you for your replies. I'm
Just helping with the school work.

I understand and feel similar in some ways... I have no one specifically waiting for me on the other side of this, as it were. I have only two living relatives and they're in a different country so we won't meet for a long time anyway. I have friends but we were always communicating by text/email/phone etc. before pandemic times too so nothing has changed and nothing will change in the coming months.

And I've been working from home even before the pandemic so no office to return to. The only person I'm going to be meeting again in person is my psychotherapist. But some days I think I could disappear and no one would notice for quite some time.

It didn't massively change mine either tbh. I already homeschool DS so the main thing there was we could no longer do our usual museum trips, group meet ups and mini breaks. I already worked from home & was used to doing that with DS around so that was no different.

We haven't seen the in laws as they are vulnerable but we saw my mum throughout as she lives alone - she was always the main person we saw anyway so again that didn't change.

Always had the shopping delivered so that was the same.

Biggest difference for us was eating out - pre covid we did a LOT of eating out and we would have seen extended family more too - I don't have loads of friends but I definitely would have seen my two closest friends more.

If you were a family where both parents worked outside the home, children all at school, loads of socialising and activities and so on it must have been insanely different and awful. It's been hard for us too but I would say it hasn't been nearly as hard for us as for many others.

As someone with autism (previously diagnosed as social anxiety), I can relate to how you're feeling. I spent the first strict lockdown saying that my life really hadn't changed much and then really struggled when social interaction was allowed, losing a lot of the skills I had really worked hard to build over the previous few years.
It didn't help that it wasn't made known that people like us can have someone to support us in the form of an unofficial carer and this can be someone outside our household.
As soon as a friend realised I could have support, she offered to do just that, help me keep some of the social skills by being my unofficial carer and its really helped. Our families don't mix, but we do, it means I have someone to support me when I'm going in to meltdown and it's a way of me keeping at least some of my social skills.

Is there anyone that can support you in a similar way??

I'm in the same boat. I realised that I was alone in 2019 and it hurt. My DD had 1st surgery and couldn't walk before and whilst recovering. We were stuck in and nobody bothered supporting, visiting, inviting etc.
At least I was well prepared for lockdown in 2020 and year 2 being stuck in. DD had surgery 2 right before lockdown so helped recovery.
Dreading it ending in the social sense as I don't have one so will feel abnormal again. Looking forward to shops, pubs, holidays that's about it.

There'll be loads of people who feel like you OP.
take one day at a time don't expect too much and don't try to hard. Don't sell yourself short or waste yourself on folk who don't wish to include you. It's hard when you're misunderstood.

Thanks all.

I do feel for the people who could not go out who do. My brother and sister aren't used to staying in although that have walked lots. I said to them in lucky in a way as I'm used to this. I can't remember who that reply was for.