Law of unintended consequences- care home refusal

[MangoSeason]

My elderly MIL was always of the view that she never wanted to be a burden to her children and would go to a care home once home living got too much. She was always anxious about this and wanted constant reassurance that she wouldn’t be forgotten and we would all visit her. Which of course we would as we adore her.

She has now announced that she will never go to a care home. She has seen and heard about her elderly friends not being allowed visitors for months on end. We are in Australia so not even the worst part of the world for lockdowns etc. She says she would rather be dead than be stuck in a care home with another pandemic situation and be banned from seeing her family.

I don’t blame her at all. All of our reassurance pre COVID about visiting regularly and taking her for days out and home for Christmas Day is totally meaningless. We have seen how the world responds to pandemics and elderly care home residents got it in the neck.

It got me thinking- this is going to be another unintended consequence of how the elderly are being treated in this pandemic. There is going to be generations of people trying to manage at home well past when they should be in care, because they have seen what happens to their mums, dads, aunts, uncles and grandparents during this pandemic.

And another issue is quality of care. My grandma died 10 years ago in a care home and received wonderful care. Partly due to wonderful staff but not insignificantly due to my Mum and aunt and uncle making sure she was visited every day. The number of care issues they picked up by just being there regularly was amazing.

I’m not making any judgment on how governments and care homes have managed the pandemic. I just think what happened in this pandemic is going to have far reaching consequences.

There are many elderly refusing to go into care despite it being in their best interest.
Those shielding at home were all alone. Those in care homes at least had carers to touch them and talk to.

Yes totally agree. My DF is going into one today from hospital.. it's taken me a week to speak to all the local ones and find one that isn't going to quarantine a frightened old man with dementia who doesn't know where he is for two weeks in a room on his own.

It's been a big deciding factor that we won't see him at first. It's taken us past when we should have done this and we are all absolutely physically and mentally exhausted - my DM especially. We didn't even have carers in when we should have because we were waiting for DF to have vaccine.

It's such a. Hard decision and we feel terrible about it. Ultimately we are now at the point where on balance he will likely be happier and more comfortable, but that balance has been weighted heavily by COVID.

I haven't slept for weeks

@DinosaurDiana

There are many elderly refusing to go into care despite it being in their best interest. Those shielding at home were all alone. Those in care homes at least had carers to touch them and talk to.

Oh absolutely. But I’m talking about post-pandemic. I know there are always people who refuse care who should be in care (paternal grandmother-this was you!) I’m talking about people who pre-COVID would have sadly but willingly gone into care. I think this group now may become rusted-on care refusers and this could last generations.

You are so right. Here in the UK, lots of people have taken their elderly relatives out of care homes for this reason. Nobody wants to have to go in a care home, but the promise of good care and still seeing family is accepted on this basis and I’m sure there are people having to deal with this situation daily.

I’m sorry medlarmeddler. There are so many private human stories to this pandemic.

I think the banning of visitors from care homes (and hospitals) was one of the biggest tragedies of the pandemic. It is/was deeply cruel and the government should have done a lot more and much sooner to allow residents to see their loved ones.

@medlarmeddler so sorry to hear of your struggles trying to do the best for both your parents. Hope he is settled soon.

OP you are so right. My own MIL is refusing at home carers as a friend got COVID from hers, apparently.
Looking after her is not sustainable as its really just me on the personal care side, and I have been down that road with my own mum.

The pain of not being allowed to visit is awful and has caused many residents to decline faster than they otherwise would. Set against that, though, are the instances of homes which have had an outbreak, resulting in the death of a third or a half of the residents. This despite using PPE all the time.

How to weigh up those competing risks is beyond me.

I think that the banning of visitors and the lockdown shows that we aren’t as free as we think we are. That’s a worrying thought.

I totally agree, going into a care home is hard enough, without the idea that you won't see your family for an indefinite period of time.
I really do understand why, initially, visits couldn't happen, at the start when the risks were high, and we didn't have testing or at least not at the level we do now, and as a pp said, at least during that time people had the care staff and other residents for company.
But they've had a year to sort this out, it's our LA that are imposing this ATM, not the homes, at least not where I work anyway.
Obviously we shouldn't just open the doors and let everyone in, but currently I'm tested 3 times a week (lat flow) and once (PCR) that could be extended to family, we have mountains of PPE (good thing!) But some could be utilised for visitors.
You could restrict to one area, even if that means keeping a bedroom empty and turning it into a visiting room which can be cleaned down after each visit, with screens etc. The government could help fund that, an empty room of course is a cost to the business, but in places like mine, designed to be open, bedrooms really are the only place suitable.
And really, the thing everyone would need to understand is the risk attached, that it will be a risk to their loved one, and either the person themselves (if they have capacity) or their representative, agree it's a risk worth taking.
I'm quite pessimistic by nature, but even I didn't expect this situation to be still like this a year on, it's not good enough imo.

@Mindymomo

You are so right. Here in the UK, lots of people have taken their elderly relatives out of care homes for this reason. Nobody wants to have to go in a care home, but the promise of good care and still seeing family is accepted on this basis and I’m sure there are people having to deal with this situation daily.

Where are the stats on that? How do you know?