I don't want my old life back.

[Crakeandoryx]

I've just realised I don't have friends to get excited with or make plans with. Before lockdown I was doing all the kids school runs, working full time, cooking all the meals and having to entertain the elderly parents. I was stressed, exhausted, miserable and I no time for myself.

Lockdown has forced DH to work from home more so he's actually shared school runs, cooked some meals and it's not all fallen to me. I've had time to read books, do hobbies and although it's been frustrating I've really enjoyed aspects of it.

DH is a loner, I am a people person. I don't have a social life. I want one. I want friends to go away with and go to the pub with. I don't want to go back to my old life.

The lifting of lockdown statement has made me sad because it has made me realise how taken for granted I was before all of this.

Where do begin to change it?.

Join some hobby clubs, that way you can meet new people. Speak to some of the other parents at school, you're going to need to put yourself out there to make new friends.

I think a lot of people will be in a similar situation OP. Many have sort of lost touch with those “social friends” over the past year.
Meet ups can be good if they have them where you are - I’m in London so there’s loads - even low pressure things like walks etc. Nextdoor app can be great for some of these as well.

I am in the exact same boat. I lost a lot of me and who I was since having dc. But I think I am going to make a real effort now to 'live'.

@2021namechanger

I think a lot of people will be in a similar situation OP. Many have sort of lost touch with those “social friends” over the past year. Meet ups can be good if they have them where you are - I’m in London so there’s loads - even low pressure things like walks etc. Nextdoor app can be great for some of these as well.

I agree that a lot of friendships will shift. Old habits broken. People realising that they have different values. Lifestyles changing. There will probably be a good "market" of people wanting to form new social connections and friendships.

Me and my husband have had lots of talks about this and having him home has made him have to step up, no popping to the shops on the way home or over the weekend no hobbies 2 nights a week and he finds when he has to do it he gets better at it suppose surprise, he was working from home 2 days a week prior to covid he is going to push for 3 or 4 days. It works much better for both of us and mean I will have some time to get out. The other bonus is because he is more available and aware I have managed to start working full time since April last which has massively helped our financial situation.

Rock on @Crakeandoryx!

Don't lose sight of what you're feeling right now. Make a list. Make those changes. It doesn't happen overnight but you can build the life you want by defining your goals and sticking to them. You have as much right as anyone else in your family to lead a fulfilling life that makes you happy.

Sometimes when women stand up and say - hey this isn't working for me, so I'm going to make these changes - other family members kick against it because the want her to stay in "her place", her lane if you like.

Fuck that. This is your life, and it belongs to you. Re-shape your life and don't take any prisoners. (Your family will get used to it!)

Take up a hobby or do some volunteering. Great ways to meet like minded people.

I don't have time to volunteer but Ive been wanting to do evening classes for years but due to DH work I've never been able to do it. It's not been possible due to childcare issues.

It's the curse of being a SAHM for years then back into full-time work but still having to pick up all the childcare due to his work commitments. I think what's also going on is my kids are getting older and the last year has increased their independence as well as the pent up need to actually live rather than just exist.

I need to have a serious talk to DH about how things need to change. Our quality of life before lockdown wasn't good. We literally didn't stop and it was hard to get a night out a year let alone anything else. I can't go back to this! I am actually filled with sadness by the lifting of restrictions which is not something I thought would happen. I haven't actually missed anyone because I didn't see anyone anyway.

I feel the same. I'm gearing up for the fulltime and silly hours, kids in afterschool club. Dh still wfh so hes doing drop off and sone pick ups. I have mum friends from kids baby groups etc but it's hard as they're part time/sahm and I'm fulltime....

What are your hobbies OP? If you're crafty, then pre pandemic there were courses and workshops in knitting shops, florists and so on. Hopefully all that will come back in the summer. There will be a lot of people who've taken up a craft in lockdown and want to explore it further.

Tell your DH that you were unhappy before.
Don’t sanitise it.
Then tell him you want to make changes. That he’s going to have to continue doing his share and you are going to have an active social life.
It’s not too much for anyone to expect from life. In fact it’s the minimum.

I empathise OP. Although my perspective is a little different, it’s a similar anxiety I’m feeling.

I’m a very social person and have lots of great friends. I have hobbies that fulfil my life and make me feel worthy of my existence. I have plans I want to do, places I’d like to go and people I’d like to see.

However like you my DH is a total loner. He’s been fortunate that he’s kept working as normal, his life hasn’t changed in any way at all. During normal times he doesn’t see friends because he simply doesn’t have anyone to socialise with (his own choosing may I add!) I and the DC am literally all he has. Even though he’s always too busy to spend time with us, ever, he likes us here for him when he needs us.

Lockdown has kept me at home with the kids and I’ve hated it, I normally do everything because he’s working 7 days a week. But I know I now need a break because it’s been relentless, I’ve missed too much and I don’t plan on going crazy but my perspective has changed.

DH has loved me being here and not going out or staying away. Last night he got really weird with me and kept asking me if I was going to leave him and never be here when things return to a more normal way of living. I’m worried that he’s going to become out of this more needy and suffocating than before and it’s going to make things harder than before.

I know that a lot of relationships have broken down due to the intensity of lockdown, but I think there are going to be issues like you and I when things ease too.

For some people this way of life has suited them very well.

I’m the same. I don’t really have many friends as any I tried to make during lockdown sort of fizzled out because of not being able to see them much, and just losing regular contact. I’m going to do things by myself and join a gym, go to a cafe by myself. Eventually I will make more friends just going out my day I figured!!

There will probably be a good "market" of people wanting to form new social connections and friendships.

I think this too. I posted this on another thread, but in the last couple of weeks I have swapped numbers with two different women in the street, total strangers to me - in both cases it was because we have the same age combination of toddler/newborn, and I know that's a time where it's normally slightly easier to make new contacts anyway, but making friends in the street certainly never happened on my first mat leave. I think lots of people (including me!) are desperate for social contact in a way they never have been before and are maybe also looking for new kinds of friends (for instance, I thought it was fine that all my close friends lived an hour or more away until that meant I just couldn't see them for huge swathes of the last year - I'd now like to be a lot more firmly rooted in my local, walking distance community in addition to my old network in London). I think there will be lots of opportunities to make new friends and contacts if you can work out the logistics of being able to take advantage of them.

I am hoping 2021 is going to be the new me, I am unhappy in my current job - childminding! I’ve been applying for jobs but not even getting interviews. I only have a few friends who I meet through Starting Karate so looking forward to going out with them again when I can and getting back to training in the DoJo. The local childminders I used to be able to meet up pre covid I know wont stay in touch once I leave childminding.

At least you’re a social person OP, so should be good at making friends when you get the opportunity? I would love to have more friends but am very shy and incapable of making them. I just don’t have the confidence!

Yep, talk to him. You may find he quite enjoys working from home, helping with the cooking and school runs etc. Kids will be back at school and you may have more time for yourself.
Have a look at the local social centre and see if there are any clubs you may be interested in, book club, dancercise, walks etc. Bit of a break doing something you enjoy.

As the kids are getting older he may be looking forward to you both being able to go out more.

Yes I agree OP and I am determined not to go back to my old life. Early on in the pandemic I had a realisation that the majority of my friends are my OH's friends. And I realised that I don't miss seeing those friends, or my OH's family.

I have made more of an effort recently to make friends with other mums in the local area (I have a toddler). I also really miss seeing my parents and my sister. So these are the people I'll spend time with when all this is over.

I'm hoping to make changes to my lifestyle too.I was working long hrs and getting home at 1030.Dh did the list I left.On the first lockdown I realised how much I had missed out on free time,meals and walks even tv.
I went back to work and it was ok.But the last 2 lockdown have made me realise how much shit I was tolerating.Even not seeing dh unless I booked annual leave.
I also didn't get pay rise or official promotion due to Coronavirus closing us.
Then I saw a job.more money eves off w ends off Xmas Easter mothers day all off.
I have an interview tomorrow.

Whatisfortea, I hope your interview goes well, good on you. I'm applying for things, which I am motivated to do but each application makes me feel completely washed out, even though it would be a good thing.

This is a strange suggestion and perfectly fine if not appealing, but I looked into a penpal site recently and would be happy to write the odd letter or postcard in case anyone else would like to do that as part of the reconnecting. I used to enjoy this as a young adult but it's gone mostly to Christmas updates now - still like writing and stamps, as typing and screens are a big part of work.