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Bored parents

24 replies

bibblebobbleblackbobble · 05/02/2021 12:04

My parents are late 60's/early 70's in fairly good health. When DF retired they moved to arse end of nowhere in Wales. Moaned endlessly about being lonely and not seeing enough of us/grandchildren. We encouraged them to move nearer us (England about 40 minute drive from where they previously lived), or at least to move to a town with stuff to do and people to meet. They moved to a town, still in Wales and further away from us than before. Continued to mither about how we never saw them etc. etc. They have been there 11 years and still have no friends, hobbies etc. We see them probably every 6-8 weeks. I have two sisters, one sister they fell out with 6 years ago and has been NC ever since and the other sister has a bit of a chaotic life and they are either speaking to her and she is wonderful or she is a terrible person and dead to them. I am in touch with NC sister, but tend to avoid chaotic sister unless we are with our parents at the same time. I am the only one with children.

My parents have been increasingly needy during the pandemic. They have taken the whole thing very personally. They ring and message several times a day complaining about all the things they cannot do. They cannot visit us, we cannot stay with them, they can't do xyz. We met up with them several times last summer when we were allowed. Walks, national trust etc etc. This was never enough. Christmas together wasn't able to happen and they wailed down the telephone and sent our children letters that sounded like they were about to be executed and were saying their final goodbyes. Now we are in the throes of home learning, we are trying to run a business, struggling with brexit-induced nonsense, helping out MIL (alone and older/frailer than my parents) and it appears I am also expected to provide entertainment and sympathy to two capable adults who have largely caused their own misery. I have told them I can't chat during the day because of school and work. Last week I tried not answering the phone to them during they day and calling back each evening for a quick call with a deadline (saying dinner in 10 minutes just checking in, then enforcing the time limit). After two days of that, they started withholding their number when ringing and wailing when I said I couldn't talk now. It's exhausting. I am overwhelmed. I would dearly love to tell them both to get lost. Am I being unfair? Would this just cause more wailing? They've always been a bit like this, but corona has either exacerbated it or given them more excuse to indulge it. Or, am I just feeling less tolerant of it all because of everything else?

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 05/02/2021 12:22

I think you do need to tell them to get lost, tenporarily, with a few undertones of I told you so. And reiterate we are all miserable. I'd also turn off the landline if that's how they're ringing you all day.

MyBossIsATwat · 05/02/2021 13:32

It’s easy for me to say I guess as it’s not my family, but I honestly think if my parents were like this I’d just stop talking to them for a while and hang up without saying anything if they hid their number.

DrunkenKoala · 05/02/2021 14:26

Calling from a withheld number makes me think your parents know that the timings of their phone calls are causing you problems. Have they asked why you’ve stopped answering their calls? Have you asked why they’ve started withholding their number?
Boss suggestion of hanging up whenever they call from a withheld number is a good one. I’d probably have a conversation with them first at a time that is convenient to you to drum it into them that this phone calling during the day has got to stop. As for the negative content in the phone calls I would push it back onto them, they chose to live where they live, everyone is having it tough at the moment they aren’t the only ones.

I had a similar problem with my mum, (newborn baby, young sibling trying to adjust to new sibling, DP working long hours I had absolutely no help during the day and a mum regularly phoning for long chats expecting me to put what ever I was doing on hold - she accused me of treating her like an inconvenience even though I made myself available to talk every evening that still didn’t please her). I went non contact after that. There is no pleasing some people and it’s best to pull back for own sanity. YANBU in wanting to tell them to get lost, they need to start taking responsibility for themselves and how they fill their days.

SonnetForSpring · 05/02/2021 15:24

They must be driving you crazy Flowers

LH1987 · 05/02/2021 15:51

God they sound terribly needy and also selfish.

I agree with pp that you should stop answering withheld numbers. They know you are busy so why are they trying to trick you? It's a bit crazy.

Maybe consider scheduling a time to talk and letting them know in advance. Such as 30 minutes every two days. 5 minutes of that could be the kids etc.

I think you might need to be blunt, tell them that you are under alot of pressure and while you love talking to them you CANNOT do it during the day and only at presheduled times outside that.

Orangeblossom1977 · 05/02/2021 16:59

I would start just not answering, any withheld numbers then they will get the message. We do this in general due to any spam type calls on the landline, using 1471 to check any numbers in case of it being school for example. Or maybe your phone says the number calling.

Then if you feel like it plan a set time for a catch up, say one day a week at set time perhaps.

MotherExtraordinaire · 05/02/2021 17:04

It's irrelevant whether you believe they've created their own issues or not. They're currently very fragile and need some TLC.

The fact that they felt that you're refusing or ignoring their calls so needed to ring from a withheld number is very sad for them. Imagine being that desperate that they going anonymous to speak with their own daughter!

I would have thought that it would be better to set times that you are available. If they ring outside of this remind them that you're working and available at x time, but they can chat with the children if they're available.

Thatwentbadly · 05/02/2021 17:11

I think I can see why your sister went NC with them.

hammeringinmyhead · 05/02/2021 17:44

@MotherExtraordinaire

It's irrelevant whether you believe they've created their own issues or not. They're currently very fragile and need some TLC.

The fact that they felt that you're refusing or ignoring their calls so needed to ring from a withheld number is very sad for them. Imagine being that desperate that they going anonymous to speak with their own daughter!

I would have thought that it would be better to set times that you are available. If they ring outside of this remind them that you're working and available at x time, but they can chat with the children if they're available.

Don't be ridiculous.

Last week I tried not answering the phone to them during they day and calling back each evening for a quick call with a deadline (saying dinner in 10 minutes just checking in, then enforcing the time limit). After two days of that, they started withholding their number when ringing and wailing when I said I couldn't talk now.

She called them back every day in the evening because during the day she is homeschooling and running a business. Should I be downing tools every day to talk to my mum during my working hours?

hammeringinmyhead · 05/02/2021 17:47

And it seems that it was when she was not answering during the day, quite reasonably, that they started withholding their number. Rather than just stopping phoning at that time and taking a hint.

sittingpondering · 05/02/2021 18:15

This sounds really hard OP. I would echo posters who say you could try having a conversation with your parents to explain you can't be available during the day due to home school and work commitments, set some times that feel reasonable to you that you can call for a chat, and the rest of the time don't pick up, or if you do, basic repeating, 'I can't talk now as I've explained. I'll speak to you on X day.'

You do not have to support and entertain your parents every day. They are expecting too much from you.

Crazycatlady83 · 05/02/2021 18:22

I feel sorry for you all. Lockdown is hard for everyone. It isn’t a competition as to who has it harder. Your parents who are lonely or you juggling work/school. It’s difficult for everyone. That being so, obviously I have sympathy for your situation as well. I doubt you will find a solution that works for you all, there are no winners at the moment

SeasonFinale · 05/02/2021 18:27

I never understand why people who have lived all their lives in one place pick up and move away from all their friends and social life when they retire. It is such a bad idea and then this sort of situation arises.

Rollergirl11 · 05/02/2021 18:36

I would have thought that it would be better to set times that you are available. If they ring outside of this remind them that you're working and available at x time, but they can chat with the children if they're available.

The OP has done this. She has stated that she cannot talk during the day. Her parents have repeatedly ignored this. And the children are home-schooling during the day so they aren’t available to talk either. Why should OP have to pander to her selfish parents?

MotherExtraordinaire · 05/02/2021 19:19

@Rollergirl11

*I would have thought that it would be better to set times that you are available. If they ring outside of this remind them that you're working and available at x time, but they can chat with the children if they're available.*

The OP has done this. She has stated that she cannot talk during the day. Her parents have repeatedly ignored this. And the children are home-schooling during the day so they aren’t available to talk either. Why should OP have to pander to her selfish parents?

Because, quite simply, right now, they're in a bad place. Imagine the worst case scenario of someone reaching out and not "heard". Ive seen this outcome and attended the funerals....
MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2021 19:34

They are 'heard'. Every single day. How many times a day should OP drop everything and interrupt her children's learning? 5? 10? 100?

Ridcully82 · 05/02/2021 19:46

I'd tell mine my mum I can't talk, and bit answer. I also wouldn't be calling everyday. I'd also push back in the negativity,op doesn't need it,and this is more than be kind at jetting others talk. They're taking the p*ss.
A but of NC for a bit would do any harm:you're being too kind,op.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/02/2021 19:53

Oh good to see MotherOrdinary dispensing their usual judgy 'advice'. Emotionally blackmailing the OP alluding to suicide because she doesn't have time to call her parents at a time they demand instead of when she can in the evening is disgusting behaviour.

I'm sorry OP, you're juggling so much and doing your best for your DC - your actual dependents. You have already explained you are pushed for time earlier in the day, they are old enough to understand and realise it shit for everyone and appreciate you're trying your best. Keep sticking to your boundaries.

DrunkenKoala · 05/02/2021 20:16

Because, quite simply, right now, they're in a bad place. Imagine the worst case scenario of someone reaching out and not "heard". Ive seen this outcome and attended the funerals....

Is this for real?

The OP is checking in with her parents every evening. How about her parents start acting like parents and support their daughter in getting through this difficult for everyone time by leaving their daughter alone during the day so she can get on with running her business and homeschooling her children and speaking to her in the evenings. Or do you think the OP should spread herself so thin that her own mental health crashes.

Agree with op your post is disgusting.

bibblebobbleblackbobble · 05/02/2021 22:16

Thanks all. Much food for thought. I have explained to my parents so many times that I cannot be constantly available to them, but they take any temporary unavailability as a personal and permanent rejection. I have spent most of this evening on the telephone to them (1 hrs 39 minutes) and I missed family film night with my children and am now about to start catching up on work not done today. It's unsustainable. They have two other daughters who can take a turn. Tomorrow I will have a think about how I can go about communicating this in a way they will take some notice of.

I agree with the previous poster that they are lonely and that nobody is winning. But at this point I think I will settle for me not totally losing. I am not convinced that any amout of attention I can give them will ever be enough, and it just feels like I am being bled dry. I, like many many other people right now, am just too damn tired.

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 05/02/2021 22:33

@bibblebobbleblackbobble be kind to yourself. It’s absolutely not on that your parents are monopolising your time like this. What can they possibly have to speak to you about that takes that long? Don’t they care that they are taking you away from your husband and children?

sittingpondering · 05/02/2021 23:51

Ah OP 1hr 40 mins is too much. You’re right, they are sucking you dry and taking your energy away from your children. It’s unkind and unfair of them and yes, it sounds like you need firm boundaries. You can’t be Wonder Woman here. I’m sorry, it must feel so hard.

Nikki078 · 06/02/2021 08:24

'I agree with the previous poster that they are lonely and that nobody is winning'

Yes they are lonely but you can't help them - they have no hobbies, no friends and poor relationships with their own children and by the sounds of it they don't want to change any of that.
I'd stop answering calls, did a check in every few days and focused on my own family. This must be v hard OP.

TheRuleofStix · 06/02/2021 08:31

This is absolutely not your fault. They’re not alone. They have each other. Firm boundaries definitely required.

I also agree with the pp who said she doesn’t understand why people move miles away when they retire - or this obsession with retiring to the country! But they’ve made their bed now . . . .

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