Is lockdown making me a terrible mum?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

I have a 7 month-old, and a 10 and 13 yo (both with additional needs). I'm homeschooling middle child and literally have to "sit on him" to get done the work set. My OH is a CW so not at home in the day. I'm currently getting hardly any sleep as baby still waking around every 2/3 hours in the night.
Today I got cross at my middle child because he wouldn't stop arguing with me about the fact I said he'd have to start helping a little more at home because he does literally nothing.
We came home and had dinner as a family.
OH took baby for a walk/ sleep.
I sat down for the first time all day.
When OH came back he was cross I hadn't done the huge pile of washing up.
I started to do it but screamed loudly as I am so bloody tired and stressed.
The kids heard and I think it worried my middle child.
Am I a bad mum?

Of course not, give yourself a break. Remind your OH of the day you have had and that a little washing up won't kill anybody

No you, like many myself included, are doing your best under horrific strain. My kids have taken to call me mumble (a mixture of mum and grumble) as I am never not moaning and seem to spend my life shouting, but all the coaxing, cajoulling and pleading does not get home schooling done. Right now we are not living the dream lives and experiencing frustration is as valid emotion of as joy. We love it when our kids see us joyous so right now, if they don't help me by doing their work, they get the full experience of my frustration, lucky them

I feel so bad I got stressed out. It's wobbled my boy.

Everyone is stressed in lockdown, and probably raising their voices more than usual. It doesn’t make you a bad mum. My DC 9&7 rarely help around the house unless asked, and the younger one always complains. I’ve started using the team approach....’we are a family and we work as a team. Who makes your food and washes your clothes? Do I benefit from the food I make from you? Or the clothes I wash for you? Please do x for me or I’ll stop cooking and washing for you’. You don’t specify how bad the additional needs that your children have, so perhaps not helpful for you, but worth a try?

@Skippinginthesnow They are both capable but say it's my job to do everything "as the woman". They live with my ex-husband half of the time where that is the case. Eldest is telling his dad I got angry at his brother and ex saying not OK.

No you're human. You aren't some unfeeling puppet who only exists to serve your family.

I remember in the summer when the windows were open and we went on our walk we were always hearing rows and tantrums and people losing their rag.

@Nicknamegoeshere . I’d be stopping that behaviour. Who does everything when they are at your ex’s house? Just no. Tell them that that might be what happens at Ex’s, but in your house rules are different. There is categorically no way I would be putting up with that. Aside from running yourself into the ground it is teaching your DC (both boys?) that it’s ok to treat women like this and they will treat their partners the same. Stop the cycle now. Do you have a partner? What do they say?

@Skippinginthesnow His gf. She has to wait on all three of them. It's her "job" as a woman.

My partner is great and he tells them it's not OK to treat me like a slave. They call him a "simp" (basically a weak man) because he changes our daughter's nappies on a weekend and cooks dinners. But they say he can't tell them what to do as he "Doesn't have PR."

It's currently 50/50 which is horrendous enough but ex taking me back to court for much more custody. Which he is likely to get as my kids are saying they "want" to live with their dad more.

You are certainly not alone here OP.
Be kind to yourself.
You boy will be fine.
This will pass.

You are not being a bad mum. It is overwhelming right now.

When you said to your 10 year old he had to help more around the house, did you give examples of his his responsibilities would be? I’d suggest delegating the washing up to the 10 and 13 year olds on alternate nights, if it is where you feel you need a break. be firm that their dad’s girlfriend might do it at that house but in your house they are expected to help out.

They will resist and moan but the point is they are old enough to help and you need the help. Play hard ball. They may threaten to move to their dad’s where they don’t have to do chores, but actually helping out in This way builds a sense of self-esteem and accomplishment and a feeling like they are part of the family.

This is nothing to do with lockdown and everything to do with the fact that your ex is an aggressively misogynistic man. Consider asking for this to be moved to the Relationships board, there are done very knowledgeable posters there who may be able to come up with solid strategies to help you.

@CovidPostingName Sadly though I have to give him more custody despite this.

I can understand why he's your ex.

Calling a grain man a simp, I've never even heard that word before.

But back to you. You are not a bad mum.

Do as much as you can, not superwoman amounts, when kids are at, would say dad's but that doesn't seem the right word, if you can batch cook for when they are there and have some time to do whatever home schooling you can.

Get everyone involved in chores, ours will vacuum because it one of the more "fun" jobs.

If they want boy jobs get them to do bins, recycling, heavy lifting.

But take a breather, have a family meal, play Uno or something and forget about what you all need to do for a bit. Put a film on they like, get some popcorn.

We are all pressure cookers waiting to blow, you wouldn't be human if you weren't.

Thank you. Homeschooling has gone really well this week so that's a positive. Hoping things will get better for everyone when they are back with their dad more?

Oh OP, I think I recognise you from previous threads from before the baby came.

You're not a terrible mum. You're a great mum, dealing with 3 kids during a pandemic is not easy. Your ex sounds awful and like he's still living in the 50s. He seems to lack respect for anyone that's not himself.

Your boys are lucky to have you as their mum. Sometimes parents snap after a tough day, it's okay. Please don't take their hurtful remarks personally. This is the influence of your ex, your children wouldn't think like that by themselves.

If everyone has been fed and clothed and loved and you made it to the weekend, that's all that matters right now. It's survival mode for many families. Keep going OP, you're doing a great job

I would be far less concerned about losing your temper and focus on the shockingly toxic influence your ex has and the type of men they will grow into if it continues

@SabrinaTheMiddleAgedBitch I agree. Thr fact is he will try to use it against me in court. He will say I scared my boy.
Eldest still saying he "wants" to be with his dad more.

@EileenGC Aw thanks. I feel an enormous pressure to be a perfect parent because any slight flaw will be turned to my ex's advantage. Yes I shouldn't have yelled but the stress on me is immense.