Hi all
I have never been on here before and have this evening registered to try and speak to fellow parents experiencing what I am right now. I am certain I will find many and I'd like to state I am under no illusion that I'm the only one struggling with this issue.... from the thread I've read, this much is obvious. I think I'm just looking for pointers, suggestions and maybe just reassurance that I can make it through this god awful time.
So.... Here's my plight.......
I work part time (26 h/pw) as a compliance officer, have been WFH since march 20. My two boys are 7 (year 2) and 3 (preschool). My husband is newly self employed as a carpenter, he has worked 11 hour days since being SE. The first lockdown I fought tooth & nail to be furloughed (on the basis of childcare issues) and eventually was after 7 weeks. I returned to regular hours in August after my work refused to extend furlough until after the summer hols ended, so took 2 weeks leave and worked evenings and weekends until the autumn term started. My boys returned to school and preschool in June briefly then in September until Christmas. Then LD#3. I have tried for the first 2 weeks to juggle my 26 hours and home schooling and caring for my (just) 3 year old. To say I'm struggling is an understatement. Eldest doesn't want to do school work, he was highlighted as possibly having dyslexia before LD#1, but have since not had any assesments or conclusion on that, so I'm fretting no end about him falling behind or not getting the help he may need. I also want to maintain his learning so I don't allow him to fall further behind, like so many children his age are potentially at risk of doing right now.
Then there is my 3 year old..... The most adorable, gorgeous personality.... yet..... the most attention seeking, disruptive, stubborn, independent soul I've even encountered. He only started at preschool in Jan 20, hated it, screamed and complained the whole time. Finally adapted to it and then LD#1. We are currently toilet training and he's had struggles doing a no 2, I've tried many tactics and I think he's getting there. But now I found myself solo parenting for 11 hours a day, hone schooling a reluctant child, have another child who wants to sabotage any 1-1 time I have with the eldest, trying to work either 2 hours here and there, or in the evenings (there are no evenings, not when I've cooked for my husband and I, cleaned, prep'd for the next day) I'm done in by 9, read for 20 mins and am ready to sleep!
My youngest will not leave my side, for a wee, so I can cry for 5 mins, so I can prepare lunch, or hang the washing or generally scratch my ass! I make a point of spending time with him, to draw or watch TV (both of which he tires of in >1minute).
I simply cannot do this any longer, I can't manage my life the way I am, I cry at least once a day, shout at the kids to stop scrapping / shouting / slamming doors in each others faces / throwing things at each other/ not doing as they're told / arguing... crap need I go on??? I spend the 30 mins in bed berating myself for how poorly I've handled things throughout the day and hate myself for how I've damaged my kids with my terrible outbursts and for when I've shouted. I try to take each day at a time, baby steps & all that, but as the days go on things just boil over with their behaviour and my ineptness. I know everyone is on the same boat, I don't want to sound self pittying, but I simply cannot go on like this.
I want so much to piss off somewhere for 1 evening and not return for 24 hours just to reset my mind and my patience. The most important thing to me is my boys and their well-being but I'm just being torn in so many different directions I feel I'm failing at bloody everything right now. Plus, my boss is questioning my "productivity" I mean, really?????
So, so sorry for the enormous essay, it's almost therapeutical to write all this down, I know I'm not alone in this, but man, do I feel very much alone right now. Love and best wishes to you all xxxx