Won't be able to look at some people once this is all over.

[ReallySpicyCurry2]

That's it really. Does anyone else feel the same?

DH has had a week off work since March. I have either been at home with our teen and our toddler, or at work. Our jobs are very risky re covid transmission. Many people who work in DH's industry have died of it. So even when things haven't been so bad not many people have been in a rush to see us, which is understandable.

We have been following the rules. I have made a point of messaging/supporting various friends and family - regular phonecalls, posted care packages to family who were shielding, that sort of thing.

I have recently found out that some of these family members have continued to see and meet up with other family members, some of whom are elderly and CEV, in large groups.

I don't mean support bubbles, I mean birthday parties. Big Sunday dinners. Sleepovers.

I'm struggling to unpick my emotions. If we'd been invited to such events, we wouldn't dream of going, but at the same time part of me thinks, well, we're obviously just forgotten about now anyway.

Another part of me feels jealous, because some of these family members are on furlough and wfh so probably justify it to themselves by thinking they're "only seeing family", but having already had to isolate due to a positive case in my workplace, and DH having to get tested weekly, I couldn't fool myself into thinking it would be OK.

I just feel we've been forgotten about. These family members are people we would have seen on a weekly basis, now they don't even call to ask how we are. Why should they? They're stuffing themselves with birthday cake and having a rare old time. We probably serve as an uncomfortable reminder at this stage.

I know I sound bitter. I really feel that when lockdown ends I no longer want to have much to do with these relatives. I just won't be able to look at them the same way.

sounds tough OP, have you thought about saying anything to them? At least you are doing the right thing, take pride in that.

Friends and families change, relationships don't always stay the same. It's hard to accept when we see people that we've relied upon for years in a new light. But things have to change for new good things to come into our lives, so even if you move on from these people you will find new friends you can rely on and respect.

Maybe you will feel a bit different when the pandemic is over anyway.

All the best

A lot of people are feeling like you OP - marriage partners, people in a relationship, family members and friends. As you’ve described it it’s understandable in your shoes to rethink who to prioritise.

Often times these difficult circumstances reveal so much.

You can hold your head high that you’ve obeyed these rules for the greater good and even for the good of your loved ones, they’re quite selfish.

We had an airing of grievances with family at Christmas. I won’t go into details but basically it came down to pretending to follow mutually negotiated rules and have a socially distanced gathering to keep medically vulnerable members safe all the while planning to have the regular family gathering and not tell us. This caused hurt feelings and risked exposing us by not following the isolation rules everyone had supposedly agreed to follow. I guess that was plenty of detail. I’m still feeling very hurt by it and they still don’t think they did anything wrong because “tradition” and “holiday” and “fun”. They continue with the pattern as the year progresses. I feel like we have lost part of our family.

It’s especially frustrating because we do have people we can safely see. I’m in a different area so the rules are different. Families that are being cautious like us and we have sat down and agreed upon rules we will all follow so that our kids can socialize. So if our families were just will long to make some tiny adjustments, like getting takeout instead of eating in a restaurant, we could see them too, but they can’t be bothered.

perfectly valid feelings. can really understand how you feel.

GlowingOrb that sounds quite similar to what's been happening with us.

It's the hidden/underhand way they've been going about that's upsetting. We've been quite open and understanding from word go that if people aren't comfortable seeing us due to our jobs that's absolutely fine,we won't take offence, let us know what you're comfortable with, blah blah blah. We've also not been banging any drums about how everyone needs to do everything exactly the same way and if you leave the house you'll kill grannies or anything like that

But no. A big effort to keep events secret. Absolutely no acknowledgement that this has been difficult for us and that we've been left out of ongoing family life for the best part of the year while everyone else apparently just don't give a shit and are continuing as if nothing was happening.

It's just a bit galling really, even though as other PPs have kindly said, we are doing the right thing.

This is definitely changing things,bringing lots to the surface

They've probably not told you because you would judge them for it.

It's like voting Tory, every fucker is doing it but no one will admit it because then you get told you are a literal murderer.

Sorry, didn't see your last post. I know you're saying you don't judge, but it must be almost impossible to play so strictly by the rules and not judge?

Depends, but we wouldn't say anything though. We've kept our mouths shut and will continue to do so. I'm not a lockdown zealot by any means, but we're not about to wilfully put those with extremely fragile health at risk either

When I say playing by the rules, I'm fairly relaxed about things that happen when sonically distanced and outside, and I don't think you have to rush back in after one hour of exercise. But letting your kids mix with other kids then going to sit inside with numerous family members including some that are CEV so you can have a party that you then go to lengths to hide...

Again though, we've said nothing, they're adults, they make their choices. But it hurts to see the disconnect form

Not quite the same, but MIL had COVID just before Christmas. As all of DPs siblings live with her they spent Christmas Day together. DP was fine with this as we've been adhering to rules (we're both frontline workers) and didn't mind having a quiet Christmas. But since their isolation they've just...opted out.

The kids' Christmas gifts are still here for MIL, and she hasn't bothered to come round to collect them or to drop off the gifts she claimed to have bought for them. She keeps telling DP that she doesn't want to give DD COVID, despite being well out of the infectious period and despite socialising with her friends (thus breaking lockdown) and grocery shopping.

The longer she doesn't come here the worse my DP feels about it all.

But why do they have to tell you about arrangements they've made between themselves, when you've already said that you don't expect to be invited and your jobs make you a higher risk to others?
Would it make you feel better if they said, hey, we're arranging a visit with x this weekend - sorry, you're not invited but you know that already!
Maybe they feel it's more tactful not to rub your nose in it.
You do sound a bit 'misery loves company.'

Because they've actually gone out of their way to be quite underhand about it, they've been embarrassed when we found out, and they haven't bothered their arses in contacting us in any other way (messages, phone calls, video calls, socially distanced outside)

All of which we did and suggested and organised at first but which just became less and less and now they're just not interested because they can see the rest of the family in the flesh anyway. And it's sad to see how disconnected we've all become and how little they actually care about us.

But thanks anyway