Fil funeral

[Reallyhow122]

It’s my fil funeral this week and my mil wants her two sons and me to go back to her house afterwards , it’s a tiny house where we would sit in kitchen , Bil a bus driver , I have said I will wear mask and not drink or eat cake but I am being told I might cause upset , am Aibu ?

Sorry for your loss.

Assuming you are in England, it is against the rules for you to convene in MIL's house afterwards.

Your poor mil, I can’t imagine how awful it must feel to lose someone You love, go to their funeral
and go home on your own. It’s must be so distressing.

I don’t know if yabu or not though

Its awful we had a SD chat after my dads funeral in early May in the car park then we all left in households to go back to our respective households. If in England its definitely not within the guidance to go back to somebodies house after a funeral.

Is your mum in law not in a bubble or could she not now bubble up with one other household probably the safest and nearest household to her and she could sit with them afterwards?

Mil in bubble with bil and his partner who isn’t going as apparently in Latvia funerals aren’t a big thing ? Though I think that might be an excuse .

How vulnerable is your mil?

Worst case scenario is that onr of you give her covid and she dies.

Next worse case is that one of you passes it to the group and then spread onwards before symptoms appear.

Personally, in this particular circumstance, I would risk assess based on these worst case scenarios and act accordingly, including limiting your contact with others afterwards.

Obviously the safest thing is not to go, but it seems terribly cruel.

I think the only way to answer this is, what would you expect from your Dh if it was you? What would be reasonable?

I'm inclined to agree with Honeybobbin and also sleepyhead .

I can't imagine losing my dh, having a tiny, restricted funeral service, and then going home alone to an empty house.

I'm doing my best to follow the rules and to do the right thing, but sometimes the 'right thing' is bigger than Coronavirus guidelines.

I think, if you are worried, then your compromise is fine. If your BiL is a bus driver, presumably he has some awareness of the risks of his job at the moment. I don't think he can be offended, if his wife is choosing to excuse herself altogether. Your dh, I think has to understand that you are already compromising by going back there (which I think is absolutely the right thing to do.

The only other thought is - would you be able to host the 'tea and cake' in less closely confined space at your home, as an alternative ?

She is 80 and doesn’t believe in Covid and won’t have vaccine in case it kills her ironically. Her home in next county about 30 miles away .

You're allowed 6 for a socially distanced/covid safe wake aren't you?

I think the pp who asked what you would expect your husband to do has it correct. I think it would be fairest for all concerned if you, DH and BIL all wore masks under the guise of protecting MIL, but you should still go.

You are allowed a wake with 6 people.

I take it that it's your husband telling you that wearing a mask and refusing a drink or cake will cause upset.

Tell him if he wants you to go back to your MIL's that's how you'll be doing it. Ask him if he'd prefer you to go straight home and he and his brother can take his mum back to hers and stay with her for a while.

We struggled with this after my dad’s funeral in December, as we’re a really small family and didn’t just want to disappear off home afterwards, but didn’t feel comfortable breaking the rules either. What we did in the end was we all drove to a burger van type place on a car park close to my dad’s house, somewhere he used to pop into frequently prior to Covid, and we all got a sandwich and a cuppa and sat in our own cars with the windows open and had a chat. It was actually a really nice end to the day, and I know my dad would’ve approved!