Coronavirus disappointment

[Astormofswords]

How has everyone coped when family or friends have acted differently to how you would have. Of course everyone is allowed there own opinions and feelings so I haven’t kicked up a fuss but I’m still disappointed and a bit angry over Christmas. I need a coping strategy/ just need to get over it some how.

Long story short, pregnant sil stated if anyone came into parents in law house etc before Christmas they wouldn’t no go round for Christmas Day. We planned to meet PIL for a walk half way our houses outside (was within the rules at the time) and to exchange presents. Issue with elderly grandfather who PIL are the carer for. As they couldn’t get a carer in or ask another family member to help (otherwise SIL wouldn’t go round for Christmas) they cancelled on us and we haven’t seen them. I just felt like they were forced into picking one set of grandchildren over the other.

SIL is rather self centred and as long as she ok she doesn’t to see how it affects other.

I am still a bit upset that my children haven’t seen their grandparents for 6 plus months and one is a baby who they have only seen once.

There will be many families who have had issues over Covid and risks / rules. Any suggestions on how to let it go? Maybe I’m just emotional, I’m feeling a bit down like this will never end, even with a vaccine I am feeling a bit hopeless.

To be honest, if I had the choice of seeing one group of people for a walk or another group of people for a proper Christmas Day, I’d have chosen the latter. Except that wasn’t really your parents’ choice, they weren’t able to see you because they couldn’t find a carer for the elderly relative and didn’t want to go against the restrictions by having two sets of family visiting their house on separate days.

Understandably you’re upset but it’s been a shitty year for most people and most people have had to miss seeing their loved ones and choose between different people to bubble with. As much as you dislike your SIL, what she wanted was to stick by the restrictions, which also appears to be what your PILs wanted.

@ComtesseDeSpair sorry I think you have slightly misunderstood/ I’ve not explained well.

They could have had a carer in within the rules for elderly relative which PIL could have desperately needed as they are struggling / it’s getting a bit much. So they could have done that, met us for a walk and had SIL over for Christmas Day. However they couldn’t due to SIL stipulations.

I must add I don’t hate SIL, she has her flaws like everyone but generally we do get on, probably why I feel so bad / just want to get over it. I have tried to bring it up but I hate confrontation.

Guess I’m more after how people have forgiven / got over similar disappointments.

I am the same as you OP, parents chose the other sibling over me and tried to pretend they hadn’t.

They arranged to see them and their family who also arranged to see the other set of grandparents so no room in the bubble for us.

Am still really upset and not sure how to stop being.

We then ended up with no one being able to see anyone due to the last minute rule changes, but the damage was already done.

Sil is the scapegoat here, Pils had the choice. Why do your plans trump hers?

Because it was the SIL who made stipulations?

@LIZS - @MaxNormalis is right SIL made the stipulation, if they had allowed a carer in we could have met for a walk but that wasn’t allowed by her. If I was in a similar situation I would have said we won’t come im too nervous but it shouldn’t stop your other plans. It’s also PIL fault they should have stood up to them.

@Lumene I’m sorry it completely sucks, it makes me feel slightly better there is someone else (and I’m sure many more). I guess over time it will get better I hope and in years to come it will all be forgotten 🤞

It’s hard when people disagree. I know quite a few people who stipulated that they were only happy meeting up for Christmas if that person hadn’t met up with anyone else. If I’m honest it seems sensible but I’m sorry you were disappointed.

I assume that as it was Christmas day that sil went inside the pil's house for the day?

As harsh as it is, if that was the situation, I'd have expected the same and did. Though it was our bubble, we haven't been in one another's homes at all since February!

As much as you see it as almost blackmail or having them over a barrel, if inside there's greater risk and though you would have been outside, in reality it's unlikely that you'd have all maintained 2m distance all of the time, so would have posed some risk, regardless of how small you would perceive this to be.

I think yabu. If the pip are in need of support, perhaps you could isolate for some time and help them as a support bubble?

It was hard for you but I can see why your SIL being pregnant wanted to avoid getting covid at all costs. The only thing to do is let it go and look within yourself to find a way forward. If you can just forget about seeing extended family for the time being. You and your kids can do fine without grandparents. You can make the best of your situation. Draw strength from inwards and know that we need to be patient with this situation in order to get through it. It won't be like this forever but this is something we've got to go through and drawing strength from anything like motivational quotes or lectures helps me during this time. Shutting down media and negativity helps too as this causes anxiety. Don't spend much time each day watching news. Focus on making the best of what you have and on what you can control. Good luck.

Unless you are a distance apart could you not still meet one adult each for a walk?

If your SIL was really trying not to catch Covid, she should have not seen anyone AT ALL on Christmas Day. Like countless others.

I’m sorry OP, it has been such a tough year and everyone is on edge.

I’m afraid I don’t see how your SIL has been selfish though. She (and your brother?) has stated her boundaries and was ready to not have Christmas Day with them.

Unless there’s something missing from your story, but I didn’t see that they demanded to spend Christmas Day with them?

Your PIL made that choice. The choice to spend Christmas Day (whole day indoors?) with your brother over a walk and present exchange with you.

I can see why getting to spend a day indoors with any member of family might be more attractive.

Would you have spent Christmas Day with them? Perhaps that was another option available to them?

Did you meet up with them on Boxing Day for a walk and exchange presents?

Is there a reason your children haven’t been able to meet up with them at all for the last 6 months?

If you’re going to get past this, it might be more Healthy not to focus on your SIL and in your situation I would reach out to my in laws and tell them how much you’re struggling and missing them ( without mentioning Christmas). Good luck.

@everythingthelighttouches ahh yes we live 3.5 hours away so that piece of information is missing. Hence why we where going to drive half way for a walk and why they need a carer for grandparent as it isn’t just popping out for 30mins. Also why we couldn’t go over for Christmas Day as the drive would have been too much.

I do need to get over it and be less jealous that sil gets to see the grandparents quite regularly and we don’t due to the distance. Pfft off to maybe read some quotes and work on my issues like pp suggested

And also no we haven’t seen them since last june and doubt we will see them till after this June, sil baby is due in June so with current restrictions and PIL helping them out they will all have to self isolate may - june. Not looking promising to see them till late summer

Ah this explains a bit more. Yes, it’s unfortunate for you but you’re not comparing like with like as they live nearer.

You have my sympathies. We are 3.5 hours away from my parents and 3-5 hours away from my in-laws, depending on the m25.

My ds hasn’t seen his grandparents since February and it’s pretty hard going.

I can totally recommend a Facebook portal to you, if your in laws would be able to set it up (even my parents managed it and they really struggle with zoom) . You do feel like you’re in the room with them and if you have young kids, it’s much easier.