My Mum is dying

[Afishcalledwonderful]

My poor Mum went into a care home at the end of July with early onset Alzheimer's (she's 73) and something called Capgras Syndrome (a rare illness where you think the person you are closest too has been replaced by an imposter) in this case, my Dad whom she has been with 1966. It has been awful.

She stopped eating last week and we were told she was nearing then end. Then on Monday, she tested positive for Covid and is in the midst of a fever - the care home have given her 5 days.

The pain myself and family are feeling right now is indescribable. After all these months of zoom calls and window visits she is now dying and we are allowed to visit. My Dad has stage 3 lymphoma (lymph node cancer) and has been advised not to. I have chronic asthma and I am really scared about catching this virus myself and passing it on to my Dad or family. I know my Mum and she absolutely would not want us to put our health at risk but my heart is breaking that she is dying all alone. I am so torn about what to do but running out of time. I am a single parent to DS6 who I'm homeschooling although he is with his Dad today. If I see Mum I will need to self isolate afterwards so my son would have to stay with his Dad and I don't want that either. I can even see my Mum now telling me not to visit. We were very close. This is so hard.

I would go, I lost my mum back in September (not covid), her vascular dementia and the inability to swallow so she ended up with pneumonia was what did for her. We were able to be with her for her last hours and I'm so glad I was holding her hand as she passed (against the rules but hey). It brings me comfort now. I think you'd regret it if you didn't go even if it does involve complicated logistics. My mum always had a thing about not dying alone, I guess from her former nursing days.

Do what you feel is best, nobody will judge you. So sorry.

I'm so sorry op. We had an elderly relative pass away due to complications of covid, we chose not to visit during his final days as we have vunerable family members, it's a big risk. Felt awful about it, but we knew he would understand and want us to remain safe! He was so well cared for, and the lovely staff were with him when he passed. I'm so sorry your going through this too. Your mum will know you lov her and understand. It's hard, but don't feel guilty about not going. If I was in your mum's position i wouod want you to stay safe.
Thinking of you op. Which ever choice you make will be right for you.

I am so sad for you

My partners Dad died in his care home last week (he had dementia) from Covid. Both my partner and his Mum made the decision to not go and visit him, it was difficult for them both to decide that and, ultimately, whatever you decide is right. His Mum 'spoke' to his Dad on the phone the morning that he passed and I know that gave her some comfort.

My thoughts are with you.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my message and for sharing your stories. I was too late in the end as Mum passed away peacefully that night in the home. I think I am in shock. I can't get my head around the fact she walked into that place at the end of July and now she has gone. All the zoom calls and window visits and she kept saying 'are you going to come in?' and each time I said 'I can't Mum but I promise as soon as this virus has gone, I will be straight there'. It was a promise I couldn't fulfil. I just hope she didn't think we abandoned her.

Similar here OP, dad who had advanced Alzheimers went into respite in a care home at the beginning of December whilst mum had a heart op, on the 2nd January they rang me to say he had been rushed into hospital with raised BP and a temperature. On Sunday evening the hospital called me to say he was end of life and had tested positive for Covid, I never made it to the hospital. I saw him just 7 days earlier and he was fine and waved at me through the visiting screen and blew me kisses and begged me to visit soon.

It absolutely broke my heart that he spent his last few days probably confused and frightened and without his family by his side. I wouldn't have let mum be in the same room as him even if we had got there, but I would have gone in.

Ironically, me and DH caught Covid a week after his death from DH's work.

I am so sorry for your loss. Perhaps it it as well that it was taken out of your hands so you don't have to regret that choice.

I am so so sorry Afishcalledwonderful

This dreadful dreadful situation is causing so much pain to so many.

I’m glad your mum passed away peacefully and I’m sure with lots of love in her heart for you and knowing how much you loved her.

If she were here now what would she be saying to you? I’m sure she wouldn’t want you to be tormenting yourself.

Wishing you peace and strength.