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Original poster

Is anyone’s marriage is tatters because of it?

30 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 13/01/2021 19:27

Me and Dh had an amazing marriage/relationship until the first lockdown. Being stuck at home with 3dc all day while he still worked was awful. The arguing between the Dc and home schooling plus I have mental health problems was a lot. We had sex 4 times last year.
We never got a break, dd13 is always downstairs watching hung tv with us in the evening.

I’m at breaking point. Iv told him numerous times how unloved I feel lately. I feel like we are at breaking point. It’s not fair.

I don’t think we will survive much longer.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 13/01/2021 19:56

It is taking it's toll on almost everyone

Perhaps some physical romance would contribute to you feeling loved again.

Forget about TV one night go to bed early when other kids in bed. Break the cycle you are in.

Llamapolice · 13/01/2021 19:58

Yes - we're not married but otherwise we have a similar story. We're too exhausted and busy to work on things now so I just hope that once this is over we can reconnect. We just seem to annoy each other at the moment.

katy1213 · 13/01/2021 19:59

And send your daughter up to bed!

sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2021 20:00

I think you need to work out what you're angry at him for. Your post ackowledges the aspects of the external situation that are causing the stress and the lack of intimacy, but you're clearly pissed at him as well. Why are you stressed and struggling separately rather than together? Do you feel like he's got it easier than you, or that he isn't understanding your difficulties? Maybe you need to be blunt with him, tell him what you need and what you're not getting?

DH and I are on our knees, but we're on our knees together. We're in the same bubble of misery and frustration. It's made us pull closer together. I think you need to work out why that isn't the case for you.

Llamapolice · 13/01/2021 20:02

Also agree with you about never getting a break. We have lost our informal babysitting that used to enable us to have the occasional date night. Yes it was a bit of a luxury but we're really struggling without it.

MerryDecembermas · 13/01/2021 20:05

You're supposed to be a team. Both of you are running on empty. Neither of you have much left to give. There's no magic solution. You just have to keep communicating and kill resentment before it kills your marriage.

AcornAutumn · 13/01/2021 20:08

How was the summer OP?

user2021 · 13/01/2021 20:11

During the first lockdown it was a big test of my marriage. Lots of shouting and stress and door slamming.

DH not used to WFH and being around small children 24/7. It was a big adjustment. We have now settled in to a routine where we give each other time and space in the day, away from the children, away from each other. It helps, but it's not great. We're looking forward to reconnecting when life returns to normal!

iloveautumn3 · 13/01/2021 20:22

Husband working from home 2 kids not at school I'm working part time and my in laws moved in temperarally. I'm the only one leaving the house. I like my space and I feel husband isn't helping me to get any which is making me resent him.

Whiskysoda · 13/01/2021 20:30

I feel bad for anyone with children trying to cope with home schooling, working from home and trying to run their own house, do shopping without catching Covid and everything else during lockdown, I think it’s a test of the hardiest of marriages.

Add dh’s that don’t do their fair share, money worries, insecure jobs or furlough, that’s without domestic violence and it’s a miracle there hasn’t been more murders let alone marriage breakdowns.

Don’t be too hard on yourself op, crack open a bottle of wine or a bar of chocolate, have a bath or go for a run, whatever it takes to give yourself a breather. And talk to your husband, he’s going through the same shit as you.

Christmasfairy2020 · 13/01/2021 20:31

Buy her a TV for her room. Also if she won't go up then sit next to husband get him to out arms around u and have a big smooch and put emerdale on Wink

Beebityboo · 13/01/2021 20:32

I've loved DH since I was fifteen (I am 33 now) we have three children together and have been through so much, but I am really starting to think we will separate after this lockdown. We don't argue (much) but we just barely speak and simply exist around one another. We have a tiny three bed semi and just never have a break from one another, the children don't sleep until 10 and most nights he falls asleep on the couch. It feels like even though we have never spent so much time 'together' we've never been more distant from each other. It's horrible and I don't know how to fix it.

Babyroobs · 13/01/2021 20:43

It is hard. We are a family of three teens, dh and I. The kids are miserable , bickering at each other and like you we don't barely get any time alone. I work four days a week and used to love having that one day on my own in the house with no-one around but now it all feels claustrophobic. DH is shielding so I am doing all the trips out of the house, shopping, delivering meals to elderly df, picking up prescriptions etc. I just feel I have no time to myself. Then again I do consider myself fortunate our children are not young, at least they are old eneough to understand why things are as they are.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 13/01/2021 20:47

Send her upto bed and get her a TV.

LesleyA · 13/01/2021 21:19

Unloved and feeling like your just a bit of the furniture are very similar but very different. But I think that that’s what makes u feel unloved. Too familiar, too constant, there’s no emotional or physical space between you for attraction to manifest and there’s no new news and conversation. But this is just a season. As long and as heavy as it is.
What made your relationship amazing I’m the first place?
How can you create tiny gestures of friendship. ‘Gee this is hectic for us’ as you put a cup of tea next to him (not suggesting woman makes tea) but just how u would treat a friend.
Does he feel loved?
You’re both probably too exhausted to have to add once pleasurable stuff (like sex) as it’s really just one more thing. Can u get out for a quick walk? Peace of mind. U may think I’m mad but could u get up half an hour earlier to have a cup of coffee by yourself, or both of you. It’s a horrible thought esp when it’s so dark but such a nice thing to do.
Find a game. We often can’t be bothered but it can be really fun. Watch John Gottman will search the name of the video/talk.

TTCmummy2021 · 13/01/2021 21:37

Ours is in tatters too and we are living apart at the moment. So many people have suffered including us 😢

ReallySpicyCurry · 13/01/2021 21:42

Send your daughter to bed. I have a 13 year old and a toddler. I fell into the trap of having my eldest wandering round a lot, and it was really really hard to spend any time with DH- glass of wine and a movie doesn't really work when you've ole beady eyes of Year 9 having a good nose at what's on.

An older colleague once gave me some good advice - once half eight or 9 comes, send the teens up to their own rooms,because that is time for the parents. They have comfortable rooms of their own, they can access everything they need, and the adults who pay for the house, wifi and all the rest, are entitled to enjoy these things in an adult way.

One night a week, kiss goodbye to your adult night, and have a whole family TV and movie night - this will stop them feeling like they're missing out.

I have followed this advice and frankly everyone is much happier as a result

Juanbablo · 13/01/2021 21:43

We are on the brink of separation. Dh thinks I am joking every time I bring it up but I'm not. We don't love each other. We don't really like each other. It's constant snipes and comments. Both of us guilty. I cry in bed most nights. We have 3 dcs who would be very upset but I can't live like this. I'm so unhappy.

Coriandersucks · 13/01/2021 21:45

Yep ours is struggling - dp was scared of it all beginning of first lockdown but I was so busy with two toddlers and wfh I couldn’t give him the attention he apparently needed.

He’s now a full blown trump loving bill gates hating COVID denying non mask wearing prick.

And not scared any more.

tatutata · 13/01/2021 21:46

Yup. Try for a moment the idea of both working full time, at home, and I earned more than him. He never, ever lifted a finger during the working day and we have three small kids (1,4 and 6 at the time). Literally fuck all. I lost my job. Yeah, maybe my fault but there's only so many times I can have a screaming match about it.

LeaveHomeNow · 13/01/2021 21:46

Yes. I am someone who had always needed space, physical and emotional. One year working with my husband and two children in a tiny two bed terrace. It's so hard and I genuinely don't know how this will end - I was happiest when we were self-isolating in different rooms, which speaks volumes. I don't know if there a way back as all I have learnt over the last year is that he doesn't contribute a lot, annoys all of us constantly and that quite frankly, his input in the family is minimal.

User158340 · 13/01/2021 21:54

@Coriandersucks

Yep ours is struggling - dp was scared of it all beginning of first lockdown but I was so busy with two toddlers and wfh I couldn’t give him the attention he apparently needed.

He’s now a full blown trump loving bill gates hating COVID denying non mask wearing prick.

And not scared any more.

His way of coping, sadly. He can't deal with reality.
Thewheelsonthebus23 · 13/01/2021 21:56

Yep. Sleeping in separate rooms and not had sex for months.

cadburyegg · 13/01/2021 21:56

yes, he moved out end of November.

I can’t blame the pandemic but it just highlighted so many issues

MsMeNz · 13/01/2021 21:59

We are ok atm but we have had some very rocky times in our marriage. But I do know many people who have split this year. Some quite surprising tbh but you never know what goes in between a couple.

Good luck though this won't going on forever, and I'd say it's safe to assume 99 percent of marriages go through bad times but that doesn't mean it's permanently bad in many situations. All the best x