Depressed elderly relative.

[whatisforteamum]

Ive posted about DM before.She is a difficult entitled person.Never the less she is my dm.
Last yr she seemed ok and resigned to the restrictions with a few grumbles along the way.She is alone since df died who did so much for her.
Now she seems depressed and angry.She told me she has started to lie in later to make time pass.
Also she keeps on how her step db and mum died in jan decades ago and she never had a good word about them.
I must admit she is hard work and several of the family dropped bits to her door last week and called her daily.
Realistically what can I do.I don't want her to do anything silly yet she won't even go for a short walk in her own road as it is boring! Anyone have any advice.

Could this help maybe?
www.thesilverline.org.uk/

Sorry but what is wrong with lying in later to make time pass when there is nothing to do? My DS is 18 and has been doing this since he was 12 years old. It is a completely normal coping strategy for when you have a lot of time on your hands and not enough to do to fill it. I did it myself for years, as I have a diagnosis of CFS/ME. I am currently at work, but if I wasn't, there is no way I'd be getting up much before this time and might even stay in bed until mid day; because it's freezing and there's nowhere to go, nobody to see and nothing to do, apart from housework, which can be done at any time. I don't know for sure, but right now I bet DS is in bed, doing a bit of remote learning from school.

So I'm not saying you don't have any cause for concern, but staying in bed half the day is a normal thing for lots of people to do, especially given the current circumstances.

@CremeEggThief not normal for a teenage boy to have been doing this for the last 4 years

Oh thank you another vice.Great link.
Creameggthief I agree when I was ill many years ago I didn't get up until late.
My point is she always gets up around six and has for decades.
I think it is because she finds this situation intolerable and non of us wants to give her the virus potentially.

Does she live alone? She probably is depressed and angry. I'm guessing you cant/dont want to bubble with her to give her some company but could you maybe meet her for socially distanced walks?

My mum is struggling at the moment. She was fine before but is finding these last weeks waiting to be vaccinated really tough. We have taken the opportunity of the kids being at home to form a social bubble with her (wasn't safe before) just so she can come over , eat a meal with us, have a hug. Is there anyone who could/would do similar for your mum?

It is so much harder this time than back in March/April when the sun was shining and we thought we were just in it for a few weeks/months.

Our elderly relative is finding it much harder too. This time of year is always quite tough. We try to recommend TV programmes to her in advance, then phone up on the day to remind her of it, then follow up with a chat the next day about what she thought of it. It gives us something other than Covid to discuss and gives us a real reason to ring, apart from 'how are you?'

HTH

Yes I have recommended a drama on tv got her into the crown series too.
She loves cooking so everyone is dropping supplies to her.
She won't walk anywhere I did offer.im a great one for walking everywhere however she is a much larger lady and won't walk as it is boring and she can't sit down.
My sis offered at Xmas for her to go over she refused.my nephew offered to take his newish baby he has been shielding after a heart OP.She refused.
It is very difficult.Maybe she wants to wallow if you see what I mean.
She doesn't like hugs kisses or to be touched never has with us.

The tv idea is a good one, I might steal that for my mum. Could you try the same with books maybe.

We are teaching my mum how to use zoom so she can engage with some U3A activities. She was totally resistant at first but has agreed to engage once we explained you can switch off your camera.

Sounds like your mum's a very difficult person. Ultimately there is only so much you can do.

She won't walk anywhere I did offer.im a great one for walking everywhere however she is a much larger lady and won't walk as it is boring and she can't sit down. I don't see why she can't sit down for a few minutes if it enables her to walk rather than stay at home. But you'd have to do it somewhere which wasn't being patrolled by police some of whom seem to be working to a whole different set of rules.

My sis offered at Xmas for her to go over she refused.my nephew offered to take his newish baby he has been shielding after a heart OP.She refused. It is very difficult.Maybe she wants to wallow if you see what I mean.

I recognise my depression is returning when I start finding excuses not to see people. It's nothing to do with "wanting to wallow". I don't know what you can do to help - I was a lot further down the slope before I sought help, it's only now I recognise I suffer from depression that I'm able to take steps at an earlier stage. Watch and wait, and try not to get annoyed with her - if it is depression, she can't help it.

Porcupine she is.She doesn't like crafts and has taken ages to realise that deliveries will take longer in a pandemic as she wants everything now or yesterday.
When her clothes arrived she then had nowhere to wear them.
I think she thinks life is more fun in the outside world which it isn't apart from a lovely walk.
Meredint thank you.I too have suffered depression which is why I want to help her.
A shielding neighbour of hers has repeatedly offered a cup of tea.the poor lady spent even have the internet like dm.
She won't even walk two doors down for an hour.
Every time she has previously ventured out to clap for carers she has enjoyed the interaction.
Hard to know what is best.

Well it's normal for all the boys growing up that I knew when I was a teenager in Ireland, @Sway19, and all the ones I know of now through DS. What else are they supposed to do when they can't meet up with each other, go to school/college, or work? They stay up til the middle of the night gaming and then either lie in bed all day or get up to do something and then have naps in the evening and of course the vicious cycle continues.

My brother used to stay in bed as late as 6-8 p.m. in the summer holidays from as young as 12, so I've never been worried about DS doing it.

Also, it is normal to be angry and depressed at the situation we are in, especially if you live alone. In fact, if you're not angry and depressed at the situation we're in, that's abnormal, IMO. Obviously, you keep offering to do what you can, OP, but it sounds as if she is too worried to be around family at the moment, bless her.

All you can do is carry on letting her know you're there and trying different suggestions for anything that you think she might enjoy and temporarily lift her spirits.

Thank you all for the great advice.

My DM is doing the opposite, she goes to bed at 7.30pm as there’s nothing she wants to watch on TV and she hates the long evenings. She just wants to get to a new day.
I drop the odd treat round, like a cream cake or some nibbles.
I let her have a rant about how unfair it all is, then try to leave her with a laugh and happy. I’m not sure what else you can do.