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Covid

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Original poster

Visiting bereaved family under lockdown

20 replies

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 19:21

When a close family member who doesn't live nearby has suffered a bereavement during a firm lockdown, have you gone to see them?

A member of ours has suffered a horrible loss (which is sad for us too obviously, but is mostly her immediate family's tragedy) - not covid related.

We are 2 hours away and DH has offered support by phone as much as he can. Nearly their entire family lives locally, except for us. Another relative has said 'you really must go and see her'. We discussed all the reasons why not, but the relative has the upper hand emotionally so now he's going.

If it was up to me, I think I wouldn't go. Lots of families have been in this situation over the pandemic and followed the rules however it hurt them. HOWEVER, I do see that some people would see it as something they had to do. After all, it's not my family member so how can I say for sure?

I'm nervous about him going such a long way when it's against the law to go anywhere to meet someone right now (pretty sure it's law not guidance at the moment)! And mixing with a bunch of people who have also been mixing with hospital staff/others/family.

But if he's needed, he's needed?

I just wondered what others have done in the same situation. I can only talk to my husband about it so much as he's pulled in two directions. I don't want to put pressure on him, I just feel the need to talk it out. Thanks

OP posts:

Covidcovid · 09/01/2021 19:26

I’m pretty sure it’s against the law and he could end up being fined. So something to consider, the police seem quite hot on pulling people over especially if numberplate/anpr show the car as being from some distance away.

My mum died a few weeks ago when we were in tier 4. I’ve had no visitors. Nor would I want them.

I’m sorry for your loss.

ekidmxcl · 09/01/2021 19:29

If the bereaved person lives alone, this could come under a support bubble. We’ve been to see FIL (MIL died during pandemic). FIL had no food as all the Christmas slots were taken. So we travelled approx 100 miles to see him and give him food.

Covidcovid · 09/01/2021 19:31

@ekidmxcl

Only if the bereaved person hasn’t had anyone else visit them I think?

GoodCow · 09/01/2021 19:34

Unless it's changed recently, I believe you are able to offer support to bereaved people, as part of the mental health exceptions. Sorry for your families loss.

Onynx · 09/01/2021 19:38

💐Just to give an alternative side to this. I'm in Ireland and my Dad died in the height of the pandemic - I think I'm still processing it all & it's still quite raw so apologies if I'm not expressing myself clearly. My mum is quite vulnerable (immunosuppressants etc) & somebody hugged my mum trying to be compassionate and sympathetic. My mum was so so scared and worried that something may have been passed to her. Even though the funeral was immediate family only she was petrified for the whole duration of the lead up and the week following about the virus. Maybe just ring the bereaved relative yourselves and explain your position and your concerns for both your family and theirs. Chances are they will really appreciate the phonecall and the opportunity to perhaps delay a visit for a safer time for all. I know we all really appreciated those who took time to sympathise over the phone- they were with us in spirit and were thinking of us and that's what mattered. Also in many families there's a bossy person who rides roughshod over others and proclaims to know what's best- they are often wrong and in times of bereavement people just simply don't have the energy to stand up to them. I hope you find a solution that works for you x

WhiteChocCheesecakeRocks · 09/01/2021 19:39

Yes I'd go and happily pay a fine
There needs to be a point of having some compassion.

We lost someone very recently not of covid but had previously had covid. We saw the widow as was alone and obviously in a bad place. Don't regret it.

Lemonpiano · 09/01/2021 19:43

The law makes provision to care for vulnerable people. Someone living alone after a traumatic bereavement being visited to provide support ... I wouldn't argue against that.

Onynx · 09/01/2021 19:43

Hugs and sympathies to everybody on here who has lost somebody Re-reading your original post- the bereaved relative has lots of family living locally so absolutely no need whatsoever for your husband to travel. It does not sound as if they are alone or in need of food. In fact if many people have been visiting this person your husband's risk of contracting the virus hugely increases.

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 19:48

I'm a bit annoyed about the pressure put on him - he wouldn't have gone if it hadn't been mentioned in a 'don't you think you need to go' sort of way.

He checked in with the bereaved person after and they said they would like to see him. But I don't think they would've asked otherwise. Their have their partner, and both sets of parents local to them and are in a support bubble already.

They also live in an area with one of the highest infection rates of the whole UK.

The person who asked means well and is also bereaved (trying to wear sympathetic hat here) but is only concerned about covid when it doesn't affect them (ie school closures are good, but not being able to visit people at Christmas was bad).

I'm worried about the fines, driving in icy weather, and someone in the group getting covid and there being another tragedy! Most people are not in a clinically vulnerable group but still. I'm probably overthinking. I also feel guilty for thinking he shouldn't go!

OP posts:

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 19:50

If she was on her own I wouldn't have a problem with it. I feel incredibly incredibly sorry for her and her loss. I probably come across as cold but I'm just worried. Have shed a lot of tears myself.

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/01/2021 19:51

We lost my Mam early in the pandemic. My Dad didn't cope well so we visited. We don't go as much as we like but I don't think he'd be here now if we had stuck with the rules. You are supporting a vulnerable person.

Onynx · 09/01/2021 19:52

I think all of your concerns are extremely valid and in fact your husband would be wrong to go. We are living in unusual times and we are asked to simply stay at home. How would he feel if he brought the virus back to you?🤷🏻‍♀️ Supposing he has an accident or a breakdown and takes up valuable emergency resources etc ...

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 20:03

We are not in a vulnerable group at all (in early 40s with two kids), however I am actually worried about him bringing back the virus (I just don't want to get it if I can avoid it). They've seen police/hospital/social workers/multiple family members this week. I gave the lecture about an accident on the way.

But this is a close family member of his who's upset (and is somewhat vulnerable despite having her partner there) and another close family member who's 'persuading' him into it.

I'm actually glad to see mixed reactions as it sort of means neither of us are terrible people. I do wish he wouldn't go though. I hope the police stop him and he gets sent back. Argh, maybe I am terrible.

OP posts:

ScrumptiousBears · 09/01/2021 20:23

Some people are looking at it all wrong. You amongst so many others are just trying to get round the rules/guidelines. It's about transmitting the virus. What if you visited, one of you caught it and died. How you'll you feel then? This family member isn't alone. They have local people to help and visit so no. I think you should stay at home as we have been asked.

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 20:27

@ScrumptiousBears I am staying home! Sadly I can't make my husband stay home. We have argued but we are basically arguing against the background of a very tragic family loss and there is only so much I can say to him without sounding completely heartless. I have said to him I will be SO angry if anything happens as a result of this, but no one cares but me.

OP posts:

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 09/01/2021 20:29

(He knows he is being manipulated, and didn't want to go when he was first asked, but since the bereaved person now says they'd like to see him too, he feels he has no choice)

OP posts:

iloveautumn3 · 09/01/2021 20:34

It's absolutely heartbreaking anytime but even more so now. I have young relatives who have lost a parent and I worry so much that they may grow up and think where was I when they needed support. I text and call but it's not the same. If they needed me I would go.

GandalfTheNoble · 09/01/2021 20:37

My parent died 9 days ago. Like fuck am I not visiting the remaining parent daily.

StopGo · 09/01/2021 20:38

My DH died earlier in 2020 during lockdown but not from Covid. As a family we are spread throughout the UK and Europe. The DC and I have had to cope on our own. As a family we keep in touch but it is what it is.

Original poster

InescapableDeath · 13/01/2021 21:18

Update of sorts.

So he did go and visit. I suggested a quick pop in. It of course ended up lasting much longer. DH had a chat with his sister (I give up being vague) and then she wanted to go for a walk. He said yes but she said the walk had to be from his parents house? So he drove there, waited for ages, SIL turned up, they had a walk, then they had to go in for a coffee... so convoluted.

As you may guess by now my SIL has had a heartbreaking awful loss and I’m aware much of what I say probably sounds cold. That’s why I’m saying it here and not to anyone in real life!

However yesterday she suggested maybe we all go over next time? He didn’t reply to that part of her message.

Today his parents rang (FIL is the ‘other relative’), saying no pressure but ‘next time‘ we could all go or he could just take the kids (ie not me).

What next time?! I want to support them but they all live in the same town. We are miles away and not technically allowed to see any of them!

PIL have been given some sort of case number by the police they can use when travelling to see SIL to prove they are supporting her and they’ve suggested we use it too!

Thing is I’m not about ‘getting around’ the rules, I actually don’t want to get or spread the virus. What after all this tragedy we give the PIL Covid?

SIL deserves support but so do all the others who have had losses, and she has her partner, parents and inlaws. Can’t my husband call or perhaps (I don’t think he should) occasionally visit on his own until case numbers drop?

I think there is a feeling that seeing the children will cheer everyone up, but I don’t think it’s right to do it... I also don’t think they’d be particularly sensitive and could inadvertently upset someone!

DH is agreeing for now but not sure what will happen if they keep asking. Not sure why I’m posting. Venting mostly.

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