Wondering if I'm the only one. Feel pathetic it's affected me like this, but then the part of me that knows me and my mental health is actually impressed I've made it this far.
I've been through some really difficult times, largely alone (which made the things so much worse eg. being homeless but no one to stay with). Was diagnosed with autism few years ago (I'm in my 30s) after I twigged what was "wrong" with me. Mentioning in case this is important.
Anyway, what with everyone disappearing on me last March, living alone so expected to see nobody for weeks and importantly no hugs for almost 3 months... Not to mention the people I haven't seen at all, and the kids I was close to who I can only see now and then with social distancing so we've lost the relationship (no kids of my own and unlikely to meet anyone in time now, I can't even begin to deal with that now)... It's really affected me. Embarrassingly, I seem to now have separation anxiety. I'm managing that ok, but I think I'm really fucked up by the separation in general. It's like there's part of me that can't understand I will see people again, that feels like I can't trust anyone because they all disappeared. Even if I'm meeting someone (outdoors) its like I'm distant from them now, I don't think I'll ever be able to have a close relationship again because I'll be ridiculously needy requiring loads of reassurance to check they haven't ceased to exist or care about me. (I needed a lot at the beginning of my last relationship, and eventually it did change me inside and I didn't need the reassurance anymore. Lovely patient guy though...)
I feel like I've turned into a much younger me, and it was hell. Took me years of slowly meeting nice people and learning not to be taken advantage of to sort me out before. So many years of fighting alone to exist and have a life worth living. And it all disappeared overnight. It's difficult to believe things could ever be ok again. And it doesn't seem to matter what my brain tried to think, its my body feeling all the feelings and being terrified.
As part of this, I find the body language difficult to adjust to. My closest friend and I used to hug a lot, and even though I know why we don't now, it's like my brain is still reading the body language as "distant".
I'm trying so hard to hold on, to survive each day. But I'm worried I'm permanently broken by this. I'm scared I'm going to be emotionally all over the place and unable to have close relationships again. Scared of saying goodbye to anyone in case it's the last time.
Just wondering if anyone else has been similarly affected, really. Or maybe is very knowledgeable about psychology. Uh, I don't know. This last year is bonkers.