Tier 4 - help to get through this holiday period. I am on the edge!!

[Littlemiss74]

I’m finding this really hard, as I know many millions of others are. Christmas so far has been strained with arguments of some kind every day. I couldn’t wait to finish work after an exhausting year & spend time at home all together. But it’s a nightmare. DS 13 want to play with his friends on xbox constantly. He won’t join us for games or tv or films. He is moody, rude & argumentative. He has some lovely presents from us and now I wish I hadn’t bothered. He shows no gratitude or respect & it’s really starting to wear me down.
DD is 9 but seems to have turned into a teenager overnight. She answers back to everything, is sensitive and stroppy. She wants to play games & watch films but only ones that appeal to her. She is bossy & wants the games to go her way.

I’m exhausted, have a cold & pmt so am feeling tetchy and run down. DH is irritating me and our marriage has become strained this year as we have spent so much time in the house together.
I feel trapped & frankly fed up with the lack of respect I receive from my dc’s. I would never have
spoken to my parents this way.

I’m just looking for ideas to get through this next week without killing each other! I realise the situation is the same for so many of us. I think I’m upset that my idyllic family Christmas holiday that I had in my mind couldn’t be further away from the reality!

Does anyone feel the same or have any suggestions? I feel like a complete failure & my mental health is suffering. I can’t see any escape or end to this.

I could have posted this myself so I really feel for you. DCs the same age and same attitudes - younger DC is a firm non believer now.

I need to move on from a child’s Christmas but mine aren’t mature enough to have an adult Christmas where everyone is chilled out.

It’s bloody hard and the weather is crap. They don’t want to go for walks - we’ve managed one with bribery.

No magic bullet but trying to pace myself. Encouraging DC2 to watch a film with Daddy and using that time for me. Also doing the
‘One game’ and then being firm about my time.

And sticking to chores - it’s not fun and takes twice as long getting them to do it but at least they avoid me if they haven’t done it... and I can drink my tea in peace!

Ds13... different perspective but what is wrong with them spending time online socialising when they cannot socialise in person? Would you object to reading? That is also something done away from the family, but with no socialisation. I think attitudes need to change with the times here regarding online pursuits.

Dd9 is probably feeling as fed up with the rules as you are. Snuggle on the couch and watch her films with her. If it doesn't interest you, watch something on your phone at the same time. Or mumsnet. Or snooze.

Basically give yourself a break! Ditch the ideal christmas perception and go with what actually works for your family, not something you see on instagram. Set your own standards. If noone osnarguingz everyone signed and happyndoikg their thing then what's the problem? A lot of frustrations in peoples lives are unmet expectations. Whether those expectations
Have 1)been communicated and 2) are realistic are key factors.

Honestly I'd just let them go on their games as much as they want (outside of bedtime and mealtimes).

Pick your battles. Its tier 4. Its not the time and place for worrying about this sort of shit.

For reference, I have similar ages. Plus one slightly older.
Ds1 is on tiktok and messaging friends ds2 is playing minecraft with hos6 mates and dd is playing roblox while skyping friends .
All have variously made their way into the lounge at different times to play with the dog, build lego, chat, watch tv with us, watch tiktok with me, look up crap on google, play giant pick up sticks, eat the Christmas goodies, have a cuddle, random high fives, debabte the news which is playing in the background etc. Plus they are all around so are able to chat, not locked in their rooms. Even if we are on different screens we are still interacting. Everyone seems happy enough!

My DD is almost 13 they are a joy aren’t they? You know what, we all pick something one day too watch we’ve been watching all kinds of stuff of Netflix, magic shows, nailed it etc.

We’ve made slime, played family version of cards against humanity.

Times are crappy for all of us, I let my kids talk to their friends, I dream of a magical Christmas however I’ve accepted that they’ll surface for food and chocolate.

I go out for a run so I have some me time and I find a nice coffee helps.

SM gives a false perception of Christmas, reality is like you said kids don’t want to sit with us, OHs irritating us and we’ve eaten too much chocolate.

I'd let them play online / with their friends as long as they wish, much better than meeting up IRL.

Pick your battles.

Do you have a good book? Put your feet up with a cuppa or a cocktail this afternoon and pretend you're on holiday.

Lots of gaming and TV here too. Some family zoom times with other families. Some socially distanced walks - so I might walk with another parent while one of my dc walks with their friends. Only really works if dc is old enough out alone with a friend, so maybe the 13yr old. With the 9yr old possibly in an open area where you can see her and her friends but walk separately with a parent.

Thanks everyone - just to say we have no problem with letting DS be online playing with his friends, to the extent that there have been days that he has done this from the moment of getting up to going to bed! I agree that it is his way of socialising and that’s fine. I suppose I would just like to see a bit of him too, spend some nice time as a family together before he’s too grown up and gone. But, if he doesn’t want to do that then I guess I need to leave him be and accept it.

I certainly do have plenty of things I want to do & could be doing but I felt as though we should be doing happy family stuff at least some of the time. I need to stop looking at facebook for a start although I’ve noticed the perfect happy family christmases are being posted far less this year so that says alot I guess.

Yesterday I sat down to watch a film that I wanted to watch while the boys watched the football. I was then subjected to a woe is me episode from dd as no-one was available to do something with her. So I have tried to do something for me but was made to feel bad for doing so!

Sit down and talk as a family.

Recognise this is tough and things like gaming online will increase because it's social contact etc.
Counteract this with messages about health and how walking and fresh air is vital, time off screens etc.

Make a timetable.

For 2 hours on morning and 2 hours in afternoon there is no screen or computers.

Say that 10am each day it's 2 hours for a walk (that can include time to drive somewhere).

Then do it. 9.30am give a warning. At 10am it's WiFi off, tv off and outside.

Then at 10am walk out of the door with router and controls then if they choose not to come then they have nothing to do inside and next time are more likely to engage.

I do t agree with micromanaging people or demanding how people spend free time. But I do agree with teaching people to do things for others and compromise.