AIBU to keep ds off school now for however long it takes for vaccine roll out.

[Whattheactual20201]

I have 1DS and 2 DDs

DD1 had a heart transplant, recent sepsis, chronic lung disease and neutropenia.
DD2 has recently come home from NICU but is “ healthy “ but newborn.
DS is 13
DD1 is off school and has been under consultants guidance since March.
We live in London and I’m at the point now where I feel it’s safer if DS is at home with us.
Their dad ( dad of older 2 disagrees ) DS needs to focus on his education.
I am so torn :(
DS doesn’t mind either way.

I can see why this makes sense for you, but it’s a long-term commitment. As far as I know, none of the vaccines have been tested on under 18s, so you can’t vaccinate the children but need to wait for the herd immunity of mass vaccination, which will probably take at least a year. Home schooling a 13yo is not easy, and being separated from peers at that age is likely to affect his mental health. I agree that thinking about his living with a relative might be best, if at all possible.

Yanbu and I’m pretty blasé generally but neither of your daughters need that added risk. If your son is happy to stay home and is presumably in year 8 or 9 I can’t see the problem. Disney dad needs to do some actual parenting if he is that bothered by it all. A huge well done for you getting this far, I think you’ve done amazingly, I have one child with a heart condition ( repaired no risk) and I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been have two children with different needs at the same time.

YADNBU

I say that as a secondary school teacher in tier 4.

There is a good chance that schools are closed for January, so I would delay the decision for now.
How does your son feel about it?

If he goes to secondary school in Tier 4 then there is a high chance he will catch it.

I would speak to the school but I would keep him off for the next few weeks at the very least.

I would discuss with the school, and see what they say.

You are seeking to persuade them to do the right thing (protect a highly vulnerable DC via lowering exposure risk of sibling) rather than follow rules to the letter. They may or may not be receptive to this.

If anyone in DD's Year goes into isolation and the school activates online learning, then adding one more pupil to that shouldn't be such a big deal. Providing online learning for one DC when others are attending normally is more of a headache and may well get a 'no'

It really goes to help that the proposal not to put close schoolroom contacts into SI (but lateral flow test instead) will make schools considerable less safe.

Best solution here is for DS to live elsewhere for a few weeks.

Yanbu

But I do think you need to ask yourself what will happen if things change, as a PP mentioned and the vaccine is no longer as effective as we'd like

I've been in a very similar position. I would send DS to school I'm afraid.

Ideally hed stay with his dad for a while though, or grandparents.

Best solution here is for DS to live elsewhere for a few weeks.

How is that best? My DS would hate living away from home (even with his Dad who he sees but doesn’t stay with).

Yanbu to keep him at home OP. Contact the school. They may be supportive. Might be worth waiting to see what announcements are made in Jan first as schools may close - especially in tier 4. If school make a fuss, in your shoes I would de-register if your DS is onboard though I think his wishes should be taken into account on this too along with how easy it would be to get him back into school at a later date if that is what you/he wants,

I am not sure this is his Dad’s call given his relative uninvolvement.

My DS has been at home for a few weeks due to health issues and keeps almost daily contact with his mates through calls and xbox. Being off school while not ideal does not have to be completely isolating.

How is that best? My DS would hate living away from home (even with his Dad who he sees but doesn’t stay with)

Then for your DS the idea wouldn't fly.

But for others, especially those who are old enough like OP's DS to fully see the risk to his highly vulnerable DSis, it will be best; as you are weighing the possibility of living somewhere he'd rather not be for a few weeks against the possibility of bringing infection from school to household and causing serious illness or worst case death.

This is like the 'don't kill granny' message - the risk might never actually happen, but the consequences on the DS if he was exposed at school and had been in the same household as a highly vulnerable sibling are also potentially long lasting and serious.

Those of us with a shielded (or recently shielded) household member have been grappling with school attendance issues for some time.

There is no good answer, unless online learning can be provided for every pupil with a CEV household member. But at present that's not possible, though can be arranged (by individual persuasion) if online learning is active anyhow

I think ideally your ds would live elsewhere and attend school. Not so much because of his education, which could be continued at home, but to allow him to see his friends. If this isnt possible- or if he hates the idea - then keep him at home. I agree it would be madness to risk sending him to school and having coming back to the house.

Realistically, you need to wait until the vaccination programme is completed, the plan for that currently is August. That's not a few weeks DS is missing, but a whole school year, can you provide home education for the rest of the year?

Agree the obvious solution is for DS to move out, to Dads or grandparents , or another family member, until the summer. (This presumes that boarding school isn't financially possible.)

Please don't keep ignoring the decision for a few weeks as some posters are suggesting - if you won't be happy for him to attend school until the vaccination programme is completed that is next September. Dont just keep missing a week, then another week, then another week putting off the decision.

Make a plan for the rest of this school year.

@Whattheactual20201 how old is your DS? What are his views? It’s really difficult. I have so much empathy for you.

Why do people keep saying sept for vaccination plan ? Surely this could change if oxford is approved?
Also maybe OP will feel safer sending when numbers go down as I guess he was going to school before
We didn't have over 30000 getting it every day so maybe even once a couple million are vaccinated and other measures we may get numbers down
I think I would keep my dc home at least for the first few weeks to see how it goes with schools etc

If you go on the government website, they put out a calculator to give a rough idea when different groups will be invited for the vaccine. The last group are expected to be called for vaccine end of July/start of August. So even if you take a few weeks off that, you are looking at right at the end of the school summer term, so any plans for the DS staying off school have to be on the assumption he wouldn't be going back until the new school year starts in September.

The Oxford vaccine might shorten that, but if the OP is making a plan, best to make it for the rest of this school year, not just until the February half term.

I thought about the whole go stay with someone else but he would rather stay home, he has never spent a night at his dads house so he doesn’t feel comfortable to do this. I can pay for tutor hours online etc he is very sporty and social however managed fine in the 4 month lockdown when we shielded as a family.

Well would his dad be up for having him move in? If so, theres a grown up conversation to be had, spell out how long he would be at home for, would he prefer to home school or move in with dad and continue to go to school? Perhaps you could review at Easter.

I dont envy you, it must be hard to be in the position of doing the best thing for one child is not the best thing for the other.

he is very sporty and social however managed fine in the 4 month lockdown when we shielded as a family.

I think there is a difference to a 4 month thing and then asking him to do it for another 9 months though.
to you for having to make a very hard decision. There is no right answer here for both of your children and I feel for you for that.