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Covid

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Original poster

Shared children- rules

19 replies

Mamagotskills · 23/12/2020 08:53

Just want some thoughts on how to handle this...

I am very much a rule abider, we will see my mum and sister on Christmas Day for a couple of hours and that is all. We are going into tier 4 on Boxing Day when DS is due to go to dads - he will not follow rules and will continue to see family etc. Then anything passed on will inevitably come back to my house.

Is there anything I can do? Just need to suck it up?

OP posts:

Ilovecoffeeandcake · 23/12/2020 09:07

My DD's dad normally invites himself over Xmas morning. I've told him he's not coming to mine and will have to think of an alternative. He hasn't and hasn't asked for DD to go to him. DD is 7 and she has never gone to his house, ever. He has been quite nasty telling me its law that he can come into mine 🙄. I'm sticking to my guns because I know he won't be following the rules.

littlestpogo · 23/12/2020 09:13

Hi OP

I get this is difficult ( similar situation myself) but it’s clear children are still allowed to move between homes ( unless self isolating). So unfortunately in reality I do think you have to suck it up. I try to look at it as it being more important for my child’s mental health to continue to see the other parent than the small risk to me of Covid.

It is hard though as it means having to take the risk appetite of someone over whom you have no influence etc. I guess others might say you could report him/refuse to let your DS go but unless someone is vulnerable then think in practice that is actually pretty tricky? And also do how long and how unfair would that be to your DS not to see his dad.

It’s another aspect of this whole thing that it particularly difficulty for separated parents.

Original poster

Mamagotskills · 23/12/2020 10:04

I’m totally happy that children need to go to their other parents, I’ve never ever stopped it. Just hate that I know he will then socialise with his mum, sibling, gfs mum etc 🙄

The joys of co-parenting !

OP posts:

RoseMartha · 23/12/2020 10:13

Sending a hug 🤗🤗

I think you need to let him go and accept the rules will be broken. Difficult I know.

I am in similar position where exh thinks he should stay will us over Christmas. I have said no each time he asks. He got verbally aggressive. He thinks it is better for the kids if we spend it together. What he means is, it is better for him.

He is not in our social bubble. I have suggested alternatives to him none of which he has committed to so I still do not know when my kids are going to his. They never stay over at his so it will only be in day time. He can't seem to cope on his own with them for more than 6-8 hours.

frustrationcentral · 23/12/2020 10:14

DS1's dad is the same OP, he hasn't stopped visiting all and sundry through the whole thing. He's just had covid , and it took him 3 weeks to recover. I couldn't help but snigger internally about that, maybe he won't be so arrogant about stuff in the future

Original poster

Mamagotskills · 23/12/2020 11:59

You’re all right, I’ll need to just let it go and hope for the best. Feel better having vented and knowing I’m not alone. Thank you

OP posts:

KylieKoKo · 23/12/2020 12:11

It's just something you have to deal with if you are separated from the children's father.

I do sympathise as dsds have been coming and going as normal. Their school has had instances of covid and obviously I have no control (and do not seek to have control) over what their mum and her partner does.

I think people in our situations just have to accept the risk and remind ourselves that Covid isn't dangerous to the vast majority of people.

LindaEllen · 23/12/2020 12:22

It's so frustrating, but sadly you can't really police what your son's dad and his family do. Best thing is to take care of yourselves and get DS to get changed and sanitise is hands when he gets back from there.

Flowerpot345 · 23/12/2020 12:23

Just because you are unlikely to die from it doesn't mean you can't suffer long term effects of it such as loss of taste and smell, extreme fatigue, problems with your organs etc...

I wouldn't be happy about his breaking of the rules and I would voice that.

KylieKoKo · 23/12/2020 12:27

@Flowerpot345 it's true but I don't think it would go down well if started trying to control what DSDs mum does in her free time!

Flowerpot345 · 23/12/2020 12:32

Who said anything about controlling?
Nothing wrong with voicing your opinion over it especially as you could catch it after THEIR behaviour and suffer with long-term effects.
It's not ok and sometimes people need telling that.

It might make no difference as generally people like that do tend to be pretty thick but it could make a difference so I would voice my concerns.

KylieKoKo · 23/12/2020 12:42

@flowerpot345 DSDs mum would definitely think I was being controlling and sticking my oar in if I voiced my opinion on her behaviour, trust me

november90 · 23/12/2020 13:56

My ex husband is the same. We have 2 ds one ages 3 and the other is under 1. He breaks the Covid rules with them and takes them round to his family members house all the time. I've sought advice from the HV but they didn't really give much advise. I know he'll be doing it over Xmas and it upsets me so much but I don't know what the alternative is because if I say something the nuclear emotional abuse will begin again :( Ds1 is currently in nursery so I have kind of left it but if we go into tier 4 and nursery closes then I will put my foot down.
I think you have to pick your battles and try and figure out logistically where the risks are.
It's a horrible situation tk be in, but you're not alone ❤️

user1471530109 · 23/12/2020 14:07

Same here OP. But I'm clinically vulnerable. During the first lockdown, he was happy for them to not visit him and for them to stay with me. Then he got covid. He then thought he was invincible and demanded visiting started up again. DC say he goes round to see friends and they come to him. His dp also works from home and has clients in etc.

We are currently SI and waiting for test results as I have symptoms. In a way I almost hope it's positive (as I'm not ill) so it will stop me worrying about it.

VulvaPerson · 23/12/2020 14:24

I think the risk from visiting a few people would be less than spending 6 hours in a packed classroom with 40 others tbh.

I get where you are coming from though. Unfortunately you cannot really control another adult, and I suspect the court would take a dim view on just randomly withdrawing contact (even if it is for covid) for separated parents/kids. Would be much better if he was sensible, but you cannot really change that either..rock meet hard place really.

Flowerpot345 · 23/12/2020 14:44

KylieKoKo you wouldn't be controlling or wrong to voice your concerns about it though, although I can understand if you wouldn't want to if you think she would start drama over it.

It's difficult, I have to say Mumsnet hasn't filled me with confidence this time round with the virus raging and people not willing to follow the rules or bend them where ever they can looks like we are going to be stuffed come January.

KylieKoKo · 23/12/2020 15:52

@Flowerpot345 it's a particular can of worms that I'd like to keep firmly shut!
And, to be fair, I wouldn't be impressed if she started quizzing me about my movements. Kids are at school anyway so I don't think what she does really makes much difference to the risk.

Flowerpot345 · 23/12/2020 16:03

I suppose it depends if you are doing something wrong or not doesn't it.
I'm not, so I couldn't care less.
Kids are off for the holidays and even if they werent it isn't the same, it's another point of contact on top of what is already happening, so yes it does all add up causing it to spread more.

Original poster

Mamagotskills · 30/12/2020 13:23

So since DC has been with ex they’ve visited 4 separate households... excellent. Bringing all those germs back to me today

OP posts:

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