Can elderly relative come and live with us in an emergency?

[deathbyprocrastination]

Just heard troubling news about my aunt. She had been due to come to us for xmas - she's in her 80s and has Parkinson's. We cancelled that after the Bojo tier 4 announcement because she is technically in a bubble with her neighbour already so we realised it would be a breach of the new guidelines (whereas within the original xmas rules it was allowed). We have another single friend who has been in our bubble since October (though we haven't seen him in over 2 weeks) who is due to come to us for xmas because he now can't leave London to be with his parents.

However, we've just heard from aunt's neighbour that things have got really out of control in her house - she hasn't let anyone inside for a long time but they think she has no functioning boiler, no working kitchen and some of her windows won't close.

It clearly isn't safe for her to be living like this so we want to insist that she comes and moves in with us thereby becoming part of our household for the foreseeable while we organise builders to sort out whatever has happened in her home. So she'd be living with us in our spare room until restrictions ease however long that takes. We still want to have other friend over for Christmas because he is in our bubble - he is very lonely and has really struggled this year. He was so relieved when we said he could come to us for xmas.

Everyone concerned is very low risk Covid-wise - aforementioned friend has been isolating for 2 weeks because he was expecting to be visiting family at xmas. We have also been isolating because we were expecting to have vulnerable aunt to stay. No-one would have to use public transport - we'd simply drive to collect aunt.

What are your honest thoughts on this? We've been really careful about sticking to the rules but this feels like a genuine emergency. But maybe everyone says that.

Yes, she can move in with you. You’re allowed to move house.

I wouldn't even question it. You are 'allowed' to provide care / support to vulnerable people and even if you weren't I would still do it.

Thanks, both - really appreciate you answering. I just feel terrible that I had no idea how bad things were. Now just need to convince her to agree or stage some kind of intervention.

Of course you can do that. It really worries me that so many elderly people are being left to struggle in the name of 'keeping them safe.' Covid isn't the only threat out there.

Yes this is a genuine emergency. She is vulnerable. Please do what you need to do to help her.

Looking after vulnerable people is counted separately to forming bubbles, and is allowed.

I would also speak to Adult Social Services to start the (long, painful) process of getting some support in place long term - whether she moves in with you permanently or not, you may be able to access some resources to help (eventually...)

You are still allowed to support and care for vulnerable people.

Your Aunt definitely sound like she is vulnerable.

Many thanks all for taking the time to post

It's allowed and you sound lovely

I wish you all a happy Christmas

Yes agreed, Aunt can come under supporting vulnerable people.

Of course, helping a vulnerable person matters most. It's lucky you've all been isolating so that you can do so with confidence. Hope she is ok and you all have a good Christmas.

Whenever I see these threads it always makes me think, imagine if somebody told you last Christmas, these are the sorts of questions that you'd have. You'd think they'd completely lost the plot!

@TokyoSushi I know, it seems totally nuts doesn't it. And, reading it all back, I sound a bit nuts! I think I knew deep down that it was totally ok under the circumstances but I find I'm really questioning my own judgement these days - trying to do the 'right' thing seems to have become increasingly complicated and there's so much judgement around.

Deathbyprocrastination

It's a totally nuts situation. They have got people terrified to go near elderly people. And at the same time elderly people are being in effect neglected by their nearest and dearest.

Just a thought- alert the surgery so when she gets called or contacted about the vaccine she doesn’t miss out.
Worth thinking about lasting power of attorney too( maybe after Christmas)
You sound a lovely person.

@Bikingbear agreed and in this situation it’s exacerbated by said relative really not wanting anyone to know what’s going on so creating a kind of force field around her home for some time

@thesandwich thank you so much. I actually had a chat with her about that this evening and she wants to stay put until she has had her vaccine, which she’s been led to believe will be in the 1st week of Jan. she is spending Xmas with her neighbours in her existing bubble and says the situation in the home isn’t as bad as they feared. She’s absolutely adamant that she’ll be fine there for the next couple of weeks and then will happily move in with us and let us arrange for the work to be done. I wish she would come to us sooner but it feels like a massive breakthrough that she’s agreed to this at all.

She has also raised the issue of power of attorney and wants to get one sorted

That sounds positive. You can do poa by printing off firms and getting them witnessed- a really good idea. Health and finance.

Can the neighbour go in and check out the housing situation - eg heating/windows/kitchen? Honestly if that’s all broken then she’s in more danger of freezing than catching Covid, especially if the neighbour wears a mask.

You may want to come and post in Elderly Parents - there's a wealth of advice in there over everything to do with elderly relatives, lots of shared experience. And lots of us have had to set up PoAs.

Yes, caring for someone vulnerable has been allowed throughout. If that means her coming to live with you that’s fine, she’ll then be part of your household.

Yes

Please do it and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing a lovely thing. Hope you all have a happy Christmas

how handy are you? Windows that dont close may just need a bit of jiggling around/ sanding the end/ a new hinge. Or a small gap could be dealt with by filler. Our latest problem with the boiler was cured, at least for a time, by switching it off and on again. How does a kitchen become "non-working"? Sure it's not something simple like a blocked drain that drain cleaner might shift? Could you take a microwave? I'd drive up and assess the problem myself.

Thank you so much for all the responses. Just to clarify things:

• Aunt in question lives quite a way away (i.e. over an hour away) and has made it really clear that she doesn't want us popping by. She's gone to great lengths to avoid that happening! It's not that she doesn't want to see us, she loves coming here, has a great relationship with DC and has visited at various points in the year when that's been allowed but she is very private about visits to her own home. I've been worried about pushing the boundaries because I thought she might just shut off from us entirely.
• mentally she is absolutely sharp as a pin, there's no sign of cognitive impairment / memory loss. She's also very mobile, can walk fairly long distances etc, fine with stairs. I think that's been part of the problem really: she is so functional externally (tonnes of volunteering and, in normal circumstances, social and hobby-based activities e.g. literary stuff and theatre). She's always well dressed I guess that's been a bit of a smokescreen - we just didn't realise what was going on at home.
• the lovely neighbours who she has been in a bubble with are in fact builders and would happily have fixed the windows for example but she has just really resisted letting anyone inside.
• re the kitchen, the neighbours think something may have happened to the ceiling. My mum (who is in a slightly better position financially) gave her the money to have the kitchen done and my aunt even booked the builders in to fix the whole thing but just hasn't let them have access. I'm not sure if there's a bit of a hoarding situation going on or just a lot of stuff is not working or in a state of disrepair and she's embarrassed about it. I knew there was some kind of issue and have been probing her for a while (and she just batted away the questions) but had no idea of the extent of it until today.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you, I will definitely head over to that forum soon. Much of this year has been spent trying to sort out my mum's affairs and find somewhere safe for her to live near us, and DH and I have just this week been helping my uncle (who is in the early stages of Dementia) with his will and POA - it's all suddenly come at once this year so I could do with the advice frankly.

Heading to bed now but am so appreciative of all you caring folk out there.

OK - so she's possibly very embarrassed by the state of the house and has been trying to slowly clear up a collapsed ceiling or something. Or she cant face the dirt and mess having builders in will cause.

Ask if there is anything you can do to make life a bit easier while she waits for the vaccine - could a cleaner come in for a few hours if the kitchen needs it or would some microwave dinners make life a bit easier.