In Laws angry at us about Christmas plans

[lorelgil]

So my husband and I had planned to drive down to my parents from the 23rd-27th. My mum is vulnerable so we are isolating until we go to my parents to keep her as safe as possible. We were then going to drop into my in laws house on the way home to ensure we're not mixing with anyone before mixing with my mum.

Due to the new guidance we are now just going to my parents on Christmas morning and driving home that night. We have now told DH's parents that we will stop for a doorstep chat and to drop off presents on our way, but we can't do a proper visit anymore. His family have been doing what they like for the past 6 months, mixing with whoever, going to parties etc. His brother has also tested positive for COVID recently although his isolation is over a few days before Christmas. For all of these reasons we no longer feel comfortable going into their house.

MIL is absolutely fuming, said DH is putting my family before his own, and now isn't speaking to us.

Just feels like you can't do wrong for doing right at the moment, always somebody unhappy!

YANBU. What you are suggesting is a scaled down version of your original plan.
I’d sleep on it and then explain it’s really not personal, it’s the situation we’ve been put in because of the virus, and make a promise to do something special when restrictions are eased.

YABVU.
You cannot seriously be expecting them to be happy with your choice that clearly tells them that you don't care about them as much as your own parents. Furthermore you shouldn't be travelling any distance so you shouldn't be visiting your parents in any case (but if his parents are local it may be appropriate to visit them).

While those who are consistently breaking the rules but not moaning at others who are also doing so are annoying it is people like you who enjoy criticising others for what they are doing but are also breaking the guidance themselves that are the worst. You are essentially broadcasting that you believe you are special and entitled to do more than anyone else.

@StatisticalSense unnecessary response

OP sounds like you are sensibly trying to do what's right by all. Stick to your guns x

YANBU
MIL is being very unreasonable

@StatisticalSense

While those who are consistently breaking the rules but not moaning at others who are also doing so are annoying it is people like you who enjoy criticising others for what they are doing but are also breaking the guidance themselves that are the worst. You are essentially broadcasting that you believe you are special and entitled to do more than anyone else.

Crikey, you're really getting off on having a go at people tonight, aren't you. Got yourself into such a state of excitement that you're not even making sense.

@jelly79
No it sounds like the OP is trying to prioritise her own family over her husbands family. Either she cares about the rules and therefore wouldn't travel and see her family or she doesn't care about them and she would be comfortable splitting the day and spending part of it with each side.

@PickAChew
It makes perfect sense.
If you are breaking the rules yourself you should not be judging others who choose to do so.
Those people with the mindset that others who break the rules are bad but think themselves breaking the rules is alright are a special breed of hypocrite.

@StatisticalSense well it's more the fact that me, my husband and my parents have all isolated beforehand and will therefore not be putting anybody at risk tbh, whereas his family have been mixing with a lot of people and are not planning on stopping, and one of them currently have COVID. That and the fact that the guidance has changed is what has made our decision, not the fact that we care about any family more than the other.

Thank you to everybody else for your replies. So hard to know what is the right thing to do at the moment.

If you cared about the guidance you would be staying local and therefore not seeing your parents. By seeing your parents you are demonstrating that you don't care about the guidance.
If you had decided to stay at home completely it would be unreasonable for your in laws to complain but considering you are happy to go against the guidance when it suits you they have a point.

Hang on.. am I being dim? What’s OP doing wrong? Obviously depends on Tier. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the idea, assuming it’s in line with local restrictions.
It’s a shame MIL feels put out but you had already made your choice OP. That’s what comes with being a couple. Someone always gets priority.
So you’ve come up with the best alternative available, by the looks of things.
I think people struggle with change

How far away are we talking? Cross tiers? Cross country?

Assuming OP is not Tier 4 then she is doing nothing wrong @StatisticalSense

It's around 1 hour 15 minute drive away. Both tier 3 areas. We were only staying overnight initially (when that was allowed) but we're not now that the guidance has changed.

How do we know op is breaking guidance? Has 'local' been defined? We don't know how far away op and her mum live from each other. If they aren't in tier 4 they can have Christmas day together.

the op is perfectly allowed to go visit family if not tier 4 so not sure why people are moaning?

There's no suggestion that op is planning to break the rules. Only if op were travelling from or to tier 4 area. There is no suggestion that this is the case.

Couldn't you see your inlaws on your way home instead? That way you can go in and spend some time with them (I'm presuming that this works in terms of Christmas bubble numbers since you were happy to do it on the 27th when this was allowed).

If you're not in tier 4 then you're not breaking the rules by going for the day! Would it make more sense to pop into your in law's on the way back, in the evening? And that way you definitely won't be taking anything to your mum's