Those with babies - managing the anxiety?

[twinklespells]

DD was born in the summer and we've been quite cautious and not let many people hold her so far. One set of grandparents have been breaking rules virtually the whole pandemic, so we won't meet with them inside, for example.

I know that children are meant to be low risk, but I'm so anxious still. DD is the result of fertility treatment, so I am most definitely predisposed to anxiety regarding her. Knowing DD probably won't get vaccinated, I just can't imagine feeling happy to expose her to loads of people, even if those people have been vaccinated. Being vaccinated doesn't mean they can't spread covid, and with young babies, what if they are clinically vulnerable but you just don't know yet?

Just wondering if anyone else feels similarly, or whether I'm an odd one out in terms of keeping DD reasonably shielded so far. I half wonder if there will be no availability of vaccinations to vaccinate the under 50s. Covid has had such a massive impact on all of our lives and I just can't imagine feeling OK without DD being vaccinated

You're not alone.
Congrats on your little one!
We had a baby in March, 2 weeks before lockdown started and my anxiety went through the roof, every time I saw something about a child (very rare) I cried. I wouldn't let my other half do the shopping in case he touched something and didn't antibac and he bought it home. My hands were red raw with the amount of scrubbing I exposed my hands to! I was convinced my DD would get it and die. It was horrific.
I honestly can't tell you what the turning point was but I'm a lot more relaxed now. I'll take her to shops with me - 8 months ago that thought would have driven me to hysterical tears!! - I'll go see friends - socially distanced still!! And I've even had to have my mum look after her as I had to go to work.
I know it seems hard now but trust me you will be able to breath soon!! We're all in this unknown boat together but hopefully we're starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel! ❤️

Anxiety is such a difficuly thing to navigate. I suffer with it sometimes and there is no reasoning.
I do think it is sad that the child's grandparents haven't held their grandchild but ultimately that is your choice.
But knowing that a. Children won't get vaccinated, at least not for years. And b. Children are seriously low risk. Do you really think it is worth your child missing out on a relationship with family members for something that is not likely to affect them? Will you need to use childcare? Will you send your child to school? There will have to be a point where you decide to let people hold her as a vaccine for her is unlikely.
My brother had a baby recently and they are letting grandparents and aunties/ uncles a hold but will hold off on friends for a while.
I've had a few friends have babies this year and all have let friends and family hold. Children really are such a low risk. Haven't 3 babies died? (Tragic of course) but how many die from flu? Car accidents? Other things? It is just that that doesn't get thrown in the media. Covid is relatively new so the mass panic hasn't helped..but you need to weigh up the risks.

That's reassuring @mummatoI I'm glad things improved for you! It's so hard balancing risk but also making sure you don't become a recluse. I don't want DD to never go anywhere etc. We have popped into shops but I do then worry I've taken an unnecessary risk!

@Hapixmas they have held her before, but they won't meet for a walk or outside unless it's a warm sunny day, and we don't feel comfortable having them in the house given the level of rule breaking. No grandparents will be doing childcare as DD will go to nursery but at least that should be a similar crowd of people and reasonably consistent. I have put her name down already and am getting myself into the mindset that it will be happening. The irrational part of me is now going 'what if DD is the 4th..!' Stupid anxiety!

Personally, I will happy to let DD’s grandparents cuddle her when she’s born, inside. I know other people are only letting vaccinated people wearing face masks hold babies.

That’s not something I would go for myself but others must do what they see fit.

As somebody else said, children won’t be vaccinated against covid. I presume your DD will have all the usual childhood vaccinations.

Hi @twinklespells it must be awful feeling so anxious :(
I had my third baby in June. Obviously we have taken precautions and been sensible etc. Parents did end up holding/cuddling her in the summer holidays when cases went down in our area
. But I have 2 older DC. High school and Middle school.
So the reason we aren’t letting grandparents hold the baby now is because of the risk to them mainly. If one of the school age DC had asymptotic Covid and passed it onto my mum (for example) I’d feel awful. So although it’s sad/frustrating it’s for the best and temporary.

We do walks etc. Although it’s now feeezing!!
We are In tier 2 so can’t go inside.

I don’t think she is missing out on a relationship with anyone, try and go for walks so you’re family can see her in the pushchair. They can still communicate with her!

Take small steps if you're worried, I think the one thing that helped me was we did everything in stages. So firstly we only let parents hold DD and they had to wear masks, then we did the same with auntie and uncles and then we said no masks for those. Then godparents could hold her but again they had to wear masks and now they don't. But very very few friends have got close to her. We do risk assessments before we see people.
So what's their job? Are they high risk of catching it - ie a friend of mine works on a Covid ward so I won't see her! Things like that!
Small and steady steps will make it easier and make you feel better.
I get the whole "what if DD is the 4th" I felt like that too, still do occasionally, but the way I looked at it is if I continually feel like this then DD will never do anything!
Sending you virtual hugs!

It is hard, but personally I think it is important to balance the very tiny risk to their health against the much more substantial risk of impacting their development by not letting them see the world.

I had my LO in April and have been doing things like baby classes and getting him out to see the world as much as I can with safety in mind.
Unfortunately I know quite a few people that have been so cautious that their little ones really haven't seen many strange faces or even experienced simple things like the bright lights of a supermarket or the noise of a busy road. They are all starting to say that their babies struggle with different people and situations now.

Some of the classes I have been going to have had babies join in preparation for going to nursery that have barely been out since they were born and those poor babies really struggle with the strange faces, music and lights. They are probably also picking up on the mother's fear of the situation. It is heartbreaking watching an 11 month old have a meltdown because the sights and sounds of a lovely baby sensory session are too overwhelming, week after week.

Don't get me wrong, I find it hard sometimes, but I don't want my baby to grow up scared of the world so I am embracing opportunities to socialise him as safely as I can.

I hate that this is a choice I'm having to make, and of course we all have to do what we think. is best.

Sorry yes that is what I meant? If you are going to be sending her to nursery then she is way more at risk there (but still super minimal) than with her grandparents. I just think it is a shame that you're gearing up to sending her to nursery but not letting her grandparents hold her.

I work in childcare (not a nursery) and I know lots of people working in nurseries who aren't sticking to the rules. Equally I know teachers, shop workers, NHS front line staff, not sticking to rules. Equally I know plenty who are.

I think you have to weigh up the risk.. if we were back in March I'd say fair enough but we are now nearly 10 months into this (uk) and longer elsewhere so we know enough now to know that babies will be fine.

Would it be worth speaking to someone about your anxieties?

I think we all had coronavirus in March - including DS2 who was 8 weeks at the time. He was the most mildly affected of us. I did worry though.

Instead, now he's 10m I've started worrying about his social interaction and his immune system as everything is sanitised . I was so happy when we could make the under 1s bubbles so he could cuddle my parents, and I'm looking forward to him starting nursery in the new year.

I worry about my DC giving my parents coronavirus but my dad works in a school so there's no way they'd miss out on seeing the DC.

I had my baby in August.

I've had no anxiety as I've got two older children, one in primary and one at college. Short of sealing us all in the house there is always a risk from them.

Saying that though we don't really know anyone. Only PIL who have been round a few times. They have held the baby.

But she's at far more risk from her siblings.

What I will say is though I have no concerns over her development in all this.

The fist year of my other children's lives were lived mostly the same as this. I love just staying in and being with/playing with my babies. I didn't do groups until they were walking as I didn't feel the need to go to them for myself. We don't have a large family and I don't know anyone. So they were always just with me and Dh for the first year or a little more.

18 years and 6 years now and totally normal! Were never scared of strangers etc. I think there's a lot of stress being projected onto mothers at the moment and it's really not fair.

I have heard of some mothers who wear face masks around their babies. I would be worried about development if babies never saw any faces.

Some of the classes I have been going to have had babies join in preparation for going to nursery that have barely been out since they were born and those poor babies really struggle with the strange faces, music and lights. They are probably also picking up on the mother's fear of the situation. It is heartbreaking watching an 11 month old have a meltdown because the sights and sounds of a lovely baby sensory session are too overwhelming, week after week.

I'm sorry but this is what I'm talking about. When I was pregnant this year it was a big bear of my midwife. She said the amount of parents she had to talk down and assure that their babies would develop normally made her really sad.

There are babies who just hate that sort of thing anyway.

There were always younger babies when I took my kids to groups who were the same as you describe. I ended up running the local hub of baby and toddler groups for years and babies are all different regardless of if they've been out and about everyday and passed round people since the day they were born or have only been to a handful of groups and classes in their little lives.

Many, many parents don't do any groups or classes or nursery and that's fine.

If they have interaction with a main carer then they are okay. We managed for thousands of years without baby sensory, just doing things at home.

Some babies just hate too much stimulation and strangers.

@Funkypolar that I agree with. Babies need to see faces.

But seeing me in a mask on the school run for a hour a day won't hamper my baby. It would be quite different if you wore on all the time, which I'm sure is very rare.

I had a baby in May and was a nervous wreck about her at first. I've now come to terms with the fact there's only so much I can do to protect her. Her two brothers are in school, her dad works in a busy factory and I will be back to work in a school soon. I'm reassured by the data on babies and covid. I take her out to the shops and baby groups etc now because I want her to experience the world as much as she can

My baby was born in June, it’s our first. We’re low risk with both being 30 (ish) and babies are super low risk so we’ve let grandma parents/friends/auntsuncles who ever we trust really to have a cuddle.

There are lots of things out there that can harm your baby and covid is just one, humans are social creatures and bonding/interaction is more important.

Saying that I hate organised group activities so you will not be seeing me in any baby groups, covid or not, the thought gives me chills. My baby still smiles at people in tesco when they talk to him, he still knows peoples faces when we’re out and about and shrieks at them. I don’t think anything is developmentally different because of covid, we just get to play peek a boo with my mask at the super market.

To be honest we have an enormous dog that slobbers everywhere, there is more risk to DCs health from him than covid imo

Thanks for your posts everyone, it's interesting reading the different perspectives.

When I say about prepping myself for sending her to nursery, she will be nearly 1 before she goes. That's still quite a way away, and I'm hoping I'll feel better about other things along the way. Your idea of staging things sounds really good @mummatoI

It's only one set of grandparents who break the rules and that we don't feel comfortable having inside. DD has met friends and family and been held by them, but obviously with the recent lockdown she hasn't seen many people the last few weeks. I am having treatment for PTSD at the moment which will be linked to my anxiety, but it's a slow process.

I might do some googling for data on babies and covid, that's reassuring to hear your LO recovered well @Camomila I hope your fears about socialisation and immunity do not materialise.

To some extent I wonder if it would be easier if there was a bigger risk I couldn't negate, eg. Siblings at school, I would be forced to face it then I guess. But then I don't think I could handle the overwhelming fear of that either!

Thanks Twinkle logically I know I have nothing to worry about as DS1 brings him home colds from primary school As for socialisation he gets excited whenever he sees DM and has just learnt to wave so he's probably fine!
Also, I didn't go to any baby classes/the swimming pool/not even sure about the library (rural Italy 30 odd years ago) and I developed fine.

@WankPuffins I just wanted to thank you for your contributions in this thread. The constant scaremongering about how babies this year will grow up to be completely socially stunted, terrified, anxious little creatures whos world was somehow made bleak and empty, the hyperbole about how they will be massively delayed and have no immune system is so dangerous and so insidious for new mums to hear.

People are doing their best. People are making choices based on what’s in front of them and everyone will have different levels of anxiety and different ways of managing their way through this.

Often (not always) the ones going out and about might need to shame and cast judgement on the ones staying in, in order to make themselves feel like THEY made the right choice. And I am certain that works the other way too. Much like the breastfeeding/bottle feeding rhetorics that came before it (they will be less healthy if you formula feed/ theyl be more clingy if you breastfeed)

Mums often need to make themselves feel they made the right decisions in a world where there are so many choices and you can never be sure yours were ‘right’.

It’s not right to project that onto a mum who did it differently. So that if you can feel she was WRONG then you must be RIGHT. Yay

Baby sensory classes were not the norm just a few generations ago. And for centuries women stayed at home with their babies for the early years, with far less ‘sensory’ stuff available to them in the house than we have now. They can’t play ‘with’ other children properly until around three. They play alongside them.

There is just as much to be said for a baby who’s given a secure start with familiar surroundings and built up a really solid constant relationship with caregivers, as there is for children who socialised more and experienced more novel sights and sounds.

I think we should be more mindful of how mums already feel. If someone is anxious and terrified of the world right now, the last thing they need to hear is how ‘damaged’ they’ll be making their child by not exposing them to more social situations at such a tiny age. Particularly since it’s bollocks.

Mine hasn’t been to any play groups. She hasn’t had the first year I expected she would have. I was so frightened of what that would ‘do to her’. And I studied child development at degree level so I should have known better.
She’s fine. She’s more sociable than I am. She grins and babbles away at ANYONE we see while out walking and often tries to toddle over and interact. It’s just her nature. She would have been this way no matter what. Ive yet to see any element of overwhelm from her now that we are slowly inching our way into the world a bit more. Just excitement and eagerness.
Some babies react with overwhelm to sensory experiences without having been born during the bloody plague year. The two are not necessarily linked. And it’s so cruel to make a mum think this.

@Bimbleboo it's just something I find quite bizzare to be honest. But it goes hand in hand with the 'race' for mothers to get back to 'normal', back to work, being made to feel off of you don't want to start leaving your baby to go out or don't want to take them out all the time. Of course if you want to do all that - fantastic! But some people just don't.

And with covid it's all so polarised. I've read posts by mothers so concerned over their 4 months olds development, convinced something is wrong because they haven't been to a baby group (which they wouldn't have given one shit about and would have probably slept though), or been to any family gatherings (ditto). It does everyone a disservice and it's yet another thing to make mothers feel anxious about.

Play with your baby, speak to them, laugh with them, pull silly face, make silly noises, hug them, comfort them when they are upset. That's all they need to develop. Everything else is just a bonus. And they might not even enjoy a room full of noise and other people anyway.

And I do get that some people need to get out with a baby. Baby groups are more for the parents. It's nice to sit somewhere other than the sofa and have a cup of tea around other people after a right night.

But if that is going to make many anxiety around covid worse then it's not worth it especially if you are only going because you feel you have to for child development.

We all have to make our own choices, make our own decisions on risk. But to have in the back of your head that you will be somehow harming your baby if you don't take them out is untrue and an added stress that parents don't need at this time.

*rough night. I've had a rough night with the baby, can't see straight to type

Sorry you are going through this, anxiety post birth is high naturally for parents. I know I suffered but for differing reasons. I had my LG in August, so when cases and restrictions were at the lowest, but I was still cautious in first few weeks. Now family hold her and I’m not concerned as children are low risk, we live in one of the lowest rates areas and most of the family are either not working (retired) or working from home. Think I may be more worried if we didn’t live where we do, hadn’t thought about this until your post. There have been so many rubbish things from this pandemic as new parents, so sorry this is an added extra worry for you.

I’m not at all worried about my baby getting it, I would worry about socialisation if he was a little older, though. I do feel they are missing out on a lot, but there isn’t an awful lot you can do.

My little one is 11 months old now but wasn't very old when all this started kicking off. I didn't let anyone hold her until October time and even then, it has only been the grandparents who have held her since before March lockdown. The only advice I can offer is do what is best for you. It will get easier as your little one gets older and becomes a bit more robust, at least I found that to be the case!