Family Xmas with vulnerable DP

[HelloBrownEyez]

Regular mumsnetter here but have NC as this is fairly outing.

DP is in the at risk group. Not at the top of the list (if you look at the list of people likely to be vaccinated) but somewhere around the middle. They have a pre existing health condition (which is under control) and were advised to shield during lockdown #1...for a short period of time.

We have been very careful over the last few months. Have barely been anywhere unless it outdoors and even then only with each other. We have both been working from
home too.

Both families 'appear' to have been understanding of the fact we were being v careful and not been seen much. Though worth mentioning that neither of our families appearing to take it v seriously themselves. Both families live in different areas but both in tier 2.

However with Christmas on the horizon, it's almost as if everyone has forgotten the last few months and there's an unquestionable expectation that we will be visiting both sets of families.

Now if DP is able to get a vaccine before Xmas (I might be clutching at straws here!) I'll be a little more open to think about it... but as it stands now, AIBU to say that we should be spending Christmas at home the two of us?? Is anyone else in a similar position?

We are in this position. I've been flagged as high risk and given a steroid card to carry. My husband is medium risk and falls into the vaccine list in group 6.
We are having a small Christmas for our bubble only. My sister may enter our bubble because she will lock her front door for two weeks prior and I know she'll be responsible and safe.

Others in our family sadly can't be invited as they will continue to visit friends and go into shops and they really don't understand why we are having to shield. It's been so hard deciding how to do this year.

We've arranged a post vaccine meal with our extended family, date to be confirmed. I'm saving our Christmas meal for then.

Not in the same position, but you are not being unreasonable at all. With a vaccine apparently around the corner, what is the point in taking risks just for one day? I have seen my parents every Christmas Day to date, but won't be doing so this year, as DD doesn't break up from school until the 18th, so we've all agreed it's too risky as we wouldn't be able to quarantine for 14 days in advance of meeting up.

Even if your DP does get a vaccine OP, he won't get the second jab as it's 3-4 weeks later and so he won't be immunised until then.

Both my DH and I will be in category 6 for vaccine, so would presume Feb/March time. We are not taking the risk for Christmas. We will have my single brother around, as he is in our bubble and very sensible. All other family are in similar situation, so we’ve all agreed not to get together this year and in fact everyone I know isn’t doing big a Christmas. It only seems to be those younger and with children.

No one will have been fully vaccinated by Christmas.

Im category 6. My mind is a mess as before sept we didnt go indoors anywhere. But the kids are now in school and my greatest risk to me.

We're seeing my mum one day as she lives on her own - but well aeare she's going in shops.

Other family weve said no too. But sk mnay people seem effectively ti be goign back to normal or as far as they can wihin the rules/bending them a little it does feel like an uphill struggle.

Wed be stricter if my kids werent in school. But it seems we're already taking a risk.

We are just sticking on our household this year for the first time ever. You’ve been cautious for so long, seems risky to take the risk so close to a vaccine being available

Thanks for all the responses. DP like some of you falls into category 4 and of course I had not thought about the fact that
they would require two jabs before being immune.

It's so difficult with families as like others have said I don't trust that others are being as cautious nor would they agree to be if asked. And some family members work in supermarkets/retail so have little choice in that regard.

I said to DP last night I almost wish Boris had not lifted restrictions over Xmas. I know that it would have been a lead balloon and most wouldn't have complied but I do feel everyone is acting as if those 5 days we will all have an invisible barrier to COVID.

We’re only seeing people outside this Christmas - we’re so close to being safe it’s just not worth the risk.

Us too - only seeing people outside, which is what we have done all along, and staying put at home. One of the household is a keyworker and all our other family groups have vulnerable people in.

Yanbu.

Suggest an alternative, a truly relaxed and enjoyable Easter party, but stick to your own rules for Xmas. It's just not worth it.

Ask 'We're trying to plan, who are you bubbling with?'.

If they say, we'll we're seeing Bill's family Christmas Eve, and Fred's family on the day, say 'oh ok, that's great, we'll drop your presents off and wish you happy Christmas on your doorstep.'

We need to talk about the bubbles! When people don't, everyone assumes everyone else is just doing the usual.

We are hopefully in the final leg of this nightmare, it seems silly to put your DP at risk for the sake of one day, just because it what would normally happen. It's not a normal year, so no one should expect to do everything they would normally do anyway. Plus are your parents and in laws prepared to be in the same Christmas bubble and not see anyone else but you and each other for the 5 days? If not I'd not do it for that reason

Just take the initiative and inform people before they start inviting/expecting you to visit that you will be spending Christmas quietly at home due to your DH's vulnerability.

Don't get guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to do. If people are offended, so be it. Own your decision.

@Ragwort

Just take the initiative and inform people before they start inviting/expecting you to visit that you will be spending Christmas quietly at home due to your DH's vulnerability.

Don't get guilt tripped into doing something you don't want to do. If people are offended, so be it. Own your decision.

I’ve found this level of assertiveness in later years. In my 20’s I would’ve tried to people please and faffed around and felt guilty. Nowadays I’d be nice but firm with my plans. Whether they are understanding or not is not your problem, it’s theirs.

I also think a lot of people need it spelling out - “isolating for 2 weeks” means different things to different people. You’d want them to properly isolate inside their homes before seeing you, as if they were contacts identified by t&t. Not an “oooh yes I never went anywhere apart from Tesco and the dentist and picking the grandkids up a couple of times but that doesn’t count as they’re family” type of “isolation”.

Thanks everyone.

I am not always the best at being assertive and always worry what people may think. Need to be better at this!

I'm category 4 and DH is over 70.
DD is a teacher and will break up on 18th. She's coming over for a socially distanced / windows open Christmas.

Similar position , both sets of parents are 80+ and we have not seen them this year due to lockdown/illness. Even if dh gets first vaccine beforehand we will stay at home for Christmas. Better to be upfront now so family can make alternative plans.

DH and I are groups 4 and 6 respectively and are both behaving like 4s so we don't have to distance in the house.

We'v been pretty much nowhere and seen pretty much no-one (very rare outdoor, distanced hellos) and will continue to do so. Some people just don't understand this at all and think we are being drama llamas for behaving cautiously. Our response is just a gentle "we'll do what we feel safe with" and refuse to be drawn any more.

Vaccines will be a few months away. DH has said he'll continue to stay away from everyone until I've had my vaccine too. We're in this together.

My step dad and mum is a level 4 so we have said that we won't be visiting x

He can't get a vaccine b4 Xmas as need 2 doses. They say 31 days between vaccine 1 and actual immunity.

@planningaheadtoday

We are in this position. I've been flagged as high risk and given a steroid card to carry. My husband is medium risk and falls into the vaccine list in group 6. We are having a small Christmas for our bubble only. My sister may enter our bubble because she will lock her front door for two weeks prior and I know she'll be responsible and safe.

Others in our family sadly can't be invited as they will continue to visit friends and go into shops and they really don't understand why we are having to shield. It's been so hard deciding how to do this year.

We've arranged a post vaccine meal with our extended family, date to be confirmed. I'm saving our Christmas meal for then.

Ive just seen this, ive been given this steroid card to carry around and didnt get any info from doctors, just sent me an email, does that mean im at high risk group?

My DH has had loads of texts, emails and letters to say he is CEV. There's no doubt about it!

We are bottom of the vaccine list and still having Christmas just the two of us. With the vaccine in sight it seems daft to take risks.