AIBU to be coming at Mum re Covid

[BrooklynBelle]

My mum doesn't follow news, never watches it, never listens to it, never reads the paper. She gets her only world information from the Daily Mail showbiz app. Fine, fair enough that her choice. But therefore she knows nothing about Covid and never knows about the latest lockdowns or anything.

I spoke to her to discuss Christmas and she seemed to think she'd be having 5/6 households round for Xmas day, including my adult siblings and partners etc plus her boyfriend etc, and me and my DH and our baby. (We live hours away but the rest of the family are all local to each other). I said we weren't comfortable breaking the rule of 3 households and then she said we could just come Boxing Day instead! I said that wasn't allowed either and she started saying "well it's your choice" in a sniffy sort of way as if I was just being difficult. During the same chat she dropped in that adult DSis has been popping round all through lockdown so my mum can do her nails, and another family member coming round for his tea. Neither seem to think there's anything wrong with it. Within the people attending Xmas day will be school workers, hospital workers, school and uni students. My mum just says "I'm just going to work as normal so why does it make any difference - it's stupid" (she's school admin). I tried saying that most people are working from home if they can but it goes over her head. She thinks no-ones doing anything differently.

I said we felt uncomfortable with the level of risk and that I felt we have a social responsibility to do the right thing and follow the rules. My mum got sniffy again and her voice croaked up and she just said "it's up to you, you're the one with the newborn" but in a way that sounded like she very much just thought I was being difficult or making up reasons. I know she is sad not to see our baby but I feel like she is trying to guilt trip me and DH.

She also never enquired about my DH's family who are vulnerable and elderly, or considered that we might be in a difficult position trying to make the rule of 3 households to please everybody and see them at Xmas too. She just expects everyone to come to her and be all happy families like there's no pandemic.

I feel so cross with her. I was made to feel like it was just me making a mountain out of a molehill instead of just trying to follow the actual rules. If she bloody read the news then she'd know all this without me having to go over it all. I was literally explaining how the rule works as she seemed to think it doesn't matter and you can see 3 different families on each different day. Can't believe none of my adult siblings or her bf are aware either.

AIBU to be fuming that DH and I are being made out to be the "difficult" ones in the family? It's like they think we are just making up these restrictions ourselves and being precious. I just feel so cross. It sounds horrible but I kind of want one of them to get Covid (with no complications or anything) just to prove it is actually out there. Oh but of course not one of them has the app so they probably wouldn't even know if they did have it.

I'd disagree that most people re working home home as the only people I know not working are those whose workplaces are closed but on the rest YANBU.

I understand your frustration. I know this is easier said than done but we sometimes need to just accept who are family are. It's not massively surprising someone who had no interest in current affairs or the news (and keeps up to date via the daily mail show biz app!?) is inconsiderate and not too concerned with others.my family can be like this at times so I get it. It still hurts at times and at other times I still get annoyed. But they aren't going to change so my expectations of them have to.

Strong boundaries are important so well done for not doing something you're not happy about just to please her. I really get that being the awkward one thing. Normally with me it's because I'd say something rather than secretly fume! You've just got to be confident in your own choices. I also find having a rant helps though!!!

At the start of your OST I thought she was an elderly woman who didn’t leave the house, but then you say she works in a school and does peoples nails, so I don’t believe for a minute that she doesn’t know anything about covid or the lockdowns.
Of course YANBU

Post not OST

Fair enough, she obviously doesn't understand the implications of covid and the restrictions. Whatever she says, if 5/6 households are really going to meet over Xmas, to be honest I'd stay away - no matter what anyone else says. Can't help their jobs (although I work in one of those areas and won't be seeing others) but to not care that they're increasing their risk (by mixing more) spreading covid to eachother, then potentially into shops, schools and hospitals isn't great.

I would stay away and leave them all to it, without a doubt. Maybe they won't understand, but if they make no effort to inform themselves then they can't expect to. Just tell your mum that she is bound to feel offended if she doesn't have a clue what is going on, but that this is not you, it's her! With a newborn and your DH's family being vulnerable you have every reason to stay away, regardless of rules. We should all only be doing a minimum of mixing anyway....a heavy price will be paid for it so people should not gather just because they can even within the rules.

She must be spectacularly unobservant if she hasn't noticed that the shops have been shut for nearly a month, of course she knows there's a lockdown. That alone would make be have no qualms about staying away from her Christmas celebrations.

Enjoy the day with your own family and leave them to it, what a shame you're stuck with such self centred relatives

Honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion that each person/household just needs to do what they think is best and not worry about what others are doing.

My parents have a different view of the risk than I do - in a different direction to you (mine will hardly leave the house, even when the rules allow them to). I have been both annoyed and very upset by their choice not to see us as we have had some very big life events (both good and very sad) this year, but have decided to leave it be, it’s their choice and they are entitled to make it.

Maybe try speaking to your adult siblings about the situation as clearly your mum is being deliberately stubborn and obtuse. There's no way she could work in a school office and be unaware of the restrictions is there?

You must feel very frustrated Op and pretty hurt too. Don't fall for your mum's attempts at guilt tripping you, her approach to seeing you at Christmas is to use emotional blackmail. My mum resorts to this sometimes

Stick to your guns and suggest a compromise (Skype? Meeting after the tier system is eased?) And don't feel bad about it.

Thanks for these. It's a relief to be understood and not perceived to be the crazy one!

I've thought about speaking to my siblings as I'm shocked they are so thoughtless. I did ask my DSis by text how she was going to make it work, as she lived with her bf. She said they are both going to mums for lunch and then her bf's family in the evening. But this means even more mixing!! 🤦🏼‍♀️ I text back how will you do that with 3 households rule and she hasn't replied!

Even aside from the situation I'm now in, I find it annoying and selfish in general. Why do none of them feel any sense of civic duty!!

This is what they are like though eg they never so much as think about the environment or recycling either, as one example. My mum doesn't sort out her recycling, just puts it all in one bin. They never think about plastic waste or anything. It's like they are just stuck in their own bubble all the time. It does my head in as you can probably tell.

My younger sister and brother are planning to bend the rules and meet up with various households over Christmas. I've decided there's no point trying to lecture them or dissuade them. They'll do it anyway.

I'm going to let them get on with it and not fall out with them. We've agreed to meet for a walk and coffee in a park before Christmas and exchange presents (to be opened later) in the car park. It's a bit crap but it's only one year and I'm not going to argue with them about their plans. Could you suggest something like that to your mum?

I will be in a Christmas bubble with some of the family so will just stick to that.

I expect there will be similar family disagreements like yours up and down the country this year, you're not alone

Thanks @SmileyClare . We live 3hrs away from her so it's not worth anyone's time to drive a 6hr round trip just to stand outside in the cold unfortunately. When I said that the rule of 6 still applies outside my Mum did say she would drive up and stand outside on the pavement with gifts! She's desperate to see the baby. But I just think that's a bit silly. Also she doesn't drive and said she would ask my DB and his gf to drive her, but that she couldn't exclude my other DB and DSis from making the trip- meaning there'd be 8 people! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ah yes I can see the 6hour round trip would be an obstacle to meeting outside!

Perhaps videos and photos of the baby will have to suffice this year. If your mum is a news avoider. you can break this to her and then console her that by spring (ish) things will be getting back to normal, the vaccine and so on.. she's missed a lot by not watching the news! Will she do Face time?

It's tricky, my mum can be very difficult if she doesn't get her own way sometimes and is really good at making everyone feel terribly guilty. Try not to let it get to you.

The daily fail showbiz app! A beacon of journalism

Don't feel guilty.

You could try "well at least you aren't on your own which is good"
Or
"Yes we do have a newborn I now have obligations towards not only you but our baby, my husband and his family now. This year I am uneasy with your level of social interaction but that is your choice to make so I accept it please have the same courtesy and accept our different decision"

And ignore the inevitable guilt trips they are ignoring your reasonable questions.