Elderly relative wants us to come for Christmas WWYD?

[Labobo]

We have a really lovely elderly uncle (great uncle to DC) who we are close to and who has been incredibly supportive of DC growing up. He lives alone. He's just phoned and asked us to come for Christmas. We'd all love to see him but both DC are at uni and one of them has had a horrendous start with almost permanent isolation and no bubble in a flat where no other student turned up. He is desperate to see his friends again once term ends. If we go to stay with the relative, both DC would have to be in strict isolation for two weeks beforehand, as would we - not even going to shop for Christmas presents etc.

He lives 300 miles away, so a fair old drive.

I just don't know what to do. If DS had had a better start at uni, I'd say suck it up to DC but he has had the kind of awful start that the tabloids leap on and has ended up quite fragile. I think seeing friends, even if just for 1-2-1 walks, will be very important to him.

But I can't bear to think of the relative alone. A friend of his has just died of Covid and he is lonely and a bit scared (normally a very extrovert life and soul jet setter type. Not at all a blanket on the knees frail old man.)

Have you spoken to him about the potential risk that someone who has just finished a university term?

If not, then do so. Unless you think he is also in the early stages of dementia (or whatever) and lacks capacity to make his own decisions

Could you go visit him on 23rd and DC come back that evening or first thing on 24th?

Why can't he visit you?

I think I'd lay it on the line for him - that you would love to come, but DCs will be in and out your house meeting friends, etc and so you cannot guarantee that when you arrive at Uncle's house you aren't carrying Covid.

If he would still like you to come knowing that then go. Just be honest. We'd love to come, but none of us can isolate for a fortnight before hand. Do you still want us?

Why can't he visit you if he's prepared to take his chance being in young people's company? If he's not frail, he could drive himself or come on the train.

Thanks for all the replies. We were going to invite him to us anyway before he offered, so we will. But I also like the idea of just being direct and saying it's not possible for us to isolate for two weeks beforehand - we'll have a test three days before we set off instead (and isolate for those three days while waiting for results) Is that OK?

Yes, I think so. My own parents are in their 80s and we've asked them what they want to do at Christmas. We've been honest and said they are welcome to come to us - but DDs will be here. Both work for the NHS and one has only got Christmas Day off - will be working Christmas Eve on a ward, and then doing the late shift Boxing Day but in between will be driving to spend two nights with us and is thrilled about it after this year.

My parents are considering it. We've been honest about Do you want to take the risk and come anyway? Or would you rather just do Christmas for yourselves? It's entirely up to you. They aren't senile. They are intelligent, educated adults who will make their own decision. I think your solution sounds good.

Having seen my healthy 14 year old struggle with Covid this weekend, I won't be seeing my mother in her 70s.

She might be intelligent/pragmatic but as her daughter I would feel responsible if she contracted it. That burden of guilt might be placed on my grand children for the rest of their lives. The price is too high to pay and seeing my son with it confirms that it's too much of a gamble.

I would get him down for you if he's happy with the risk.
Let DC see his friends.
SD in house
Be honest with all
Let everyone decide their own risk assessment

I think don't risk you there or him here. It's too risky for him and not right for you all to isolate for 14d before. My mother was very obtuse about the first lockdown, words were had etc but even she has decided not to come to us at Christmas as school and uni aged dc makes it unwise. Other grandparents also have opted not to come. We will see them properly when it's safer to fo so.

do so

I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all. Is there no-one else he can spend Christmas with who would pose a lower risk to him? It's hard as of course you don't want to see someone you love on their own if this isn't what they want, but then neither do you want to risk passing covid to someone you love :-(
The vaccine isn't far away either, it seems a shame to take the risk when you will be able to see him safely really soon. I don't envy your dilemma :-(

What are the infection rates like in your area? Use this and other information to inform your decision?

@sleepwouldbenice - good point. Infection rates in our area are not good at all. I hadn't thought of that because i am such a hermit these days I rarely go out, so never encounter people. DH the same. We are probably very low risk. But increasingly I am hearing of people who work from home catching it. My head says don't risk it but I am worried for him being isolated and he means so much to us.

Try to explain that his physical health is so important just now (although I appreciate his mental health might be suffering because of isolation).

I'd certainly make it clear to him that as a family you have to work, shop and DCs will be going out to see friends so you can't guarantee being covid free as a family. Would say regarding DCs, if they socialise would they be willing to do it outside until after xmas. DD pretty much did this all summer, she's back from uni early and intends to continue walking outside with her friends.

You say your numbers are low, ours were but have gone up during lockdown (stablizing a bit now) so none of us know where numbers will be in a months time with incredibly busy shops after lockdown and if your in tier 1, obviously people will be able to eat together/have coffee which is extra contact.

It's so hard though. I also have a lovely Uncle and Auntie (second parents growing up) and I don't feel I can risk seeing them in December as I work at a school.

Yeah. I caught the bloody virus and It’s just husband and I at home - we are both working at home full time too! We’ve only been to supermarkets and Homebase really!

I was really ill for a month and I’m 30- I’d imagine if my mum would be in a way worse situation if she was to catch it!

I will not be risking seeing my parents or doing any big group gatherings over a Christmas it just way too risky!

How would you feel if the relative did get sick with Covid after Christmas? You’d blame yourselves!

I don’t get why people can’t just wait one more year tbh! Or Have a get together in a few months maybe?

I completely sympathise. My sis and I have been summonsed by elderly mother from high prevalence areas to her low risk one, she seems to have no concern for her own safety but we both do - not to mention having to self-isolate before and not see other members of our families / in-laws .

She will not be reasoned with that we can meet just a few weeks later assuming she's eligible for a vaccine (at her age she should be prioritised).

It's all very well if relatives say that they've had their time and aren't worried, but it puts a lot of responsibility and pressure on you. It's very difficult and I'm sure many people are in the same situation.

@Heyahun - so sorry you've been ill. It does worry me that I keep hearing of more people are getting it who have been nowhere, met no one, done nothing.

I think we'll have to say no but do a lot of skype quizzes and calls with him. Bit upset though. He has been like a grandad to my boys.

Thanks @Labobo

Yeah i miss my parents so much (they live in Ireland) so I haven’t seen them since last Christmas a it’s hard!

Luckily my dad said he would rather I didn’t come back as he thinks it too risky - so I’m not feeling pressured to go!

Your situation is harder when he really is pushing it for you to come stay!

Maybe you can tell him you will arrange to get together a bit more often next year once this all calms down / people start getting vaccinated

If your children are at uni surely it's up to them how they spend their Christmas period? You sound like you are writing about young children who get no say. You can still go and just leave them at home? Or just tell the relative seeing as they are 18 plus you can't expect them to stay inside all Christmas so it's up to him if he wants to come to you and accept the small risk.

We chatted to him tonight and he agrees the risk is too great. He's going to spend Christmas with self-isolating friends.

Also our area is out of tier three now, which it was in before lockdown. This means DC can have their closest friends over for a get together in the garden when they all get back from uni.

@Labobo

We chatted to him tonight and he agrees the risk is too great. He's going to spend Christmas with self-isolating friends.

Also our area is out of tier three now, which it was in before lockdown. This means DC can have their closest friends over for a get together in the garden when they all get back from uni.

LCR? Me too Funny how you look forward to the garden isnt it

I know! Can't wait to have a handful of teenagers shivering around the fire pit in our garden. I'm not even joking. I seriously can't wait! A glimpse of the old days when fun was normal.