Christmas and ill MIL

[unknownentity]

MIL has 2 life-limiting illnesses and falls into the extremely vulnerable category. DH is her full time carer, we have 2 primary aged kids and I work out of the home.

We don't have MIL in our extended household due to the risks from the kids going to school and me going to work, DH cares for her in her own home.

DH has spoken to MIL and she wants to come to us for Christmas dinner as she thinks this could be her last one. She is very poorly so it could be.

I also have my parents who at least have each other but my mum is also ill and they are in the more vulnerable age bracket. My mum is struggling with not seeing her grandkids and was hoping to visit for an hour or so on Christmas day to see the children but not stay for dinner as they appreciate MIL's need is greater being on her own.

I originally thought that if the risks were laid out to them and they were willing to accept them then the final decision lies with them. But having thought further I thought about the possibility of them catching COVID from us and I would be beyond devastated if that happened.

My thoughts are, like a lot of people, is why should we relax the rules for a few days when a vaccine is on the horizon and we could be over the worst by spring allowing for more meaningful and much lower risk get togethers with family.

I really don't think it's worth the risk and it will not be a normal Christmas anyway. I will be a paranoid wreck and on edge, the house will be freezing with windows open and they'll be in and out as quickly as possible.

If MIL didn't come DH would go to hers with food and spend time with her there. My parents would be very disappointed not to come, their mental health has suffered greatly throughout.

I keep bouncing between fuck it let them come (at different times and minimising risk where we can) and thinking no way, we can't risk it. I do realise that I'm in a different position from them as I am likely to have many more Christmases ahead of me and I would be spending it with my husband and kids so we would still have a good Christmas if we had no visitors.

Can anyone help me come to a decision?? DH is firmly on the let his mum come side with no windows open (she suffers with always feeling cold) and no time restrictions on the visit.

I think it ultimately is their decision. Have a chat with each of them before and fully discuss your concerns but I don’t think you can be held responsible if the worse were to happen.

Is there any chance of at least a few days isolation beforehand?

I feel like whilst you're very nervous and there's a lot resting on your shoulders, it's ultimately their decision. Whilst I'm very sorry that you're MIL is so poorly, I can understand why she personally would think it's worth the risk. Either she will miss the family entirely and as you say there may not be another Christmas for her, or she could enjoy this one with the people she loves.

Whilst it's a burden on you because you obviously don't want to risk anyone's health, I think that it's probably up to your MIL and what she feels is most important to her.

It is difficult isnt it.

With your MiL, I think you have to balance the contribution that this one day will make to her quality of life with the chance of her contracting the virus. In your position I'd let her come. We are in a similar position with my father who is unlikely to see another year (he has fairly advanced dementia and a variety of other health problems). Covid would be the end of him but he has so little quality of life now that we dont believe it's in his best interest to live a slightly longer life but with even less human interaction. So he will come at Christmas and see his beloved grandchildren who havent been near him in term time as infection rates at their school are very high.

As for your parents, you need to talk to them. Any chance you could take time off work and self isolate for a week before seeing them? My inlaws are both shielding and this is what we are doing before we see them.

I'm waiting to hear this week about whether I'll be able to work from home soon so that would make a big difference. My kids are in school 2 days the week of Christmas so I'd probably keep them off for them which gives a week of isolation for them before Christmas day.

My MIL is terminally ill, starting palliative chemo next week, and tbh a cold would kill her right now. My problem in seeing them is that FIL is in complete denial, and if she caught anything from us he would absolutely blame us and be very angry. So although it would shorten her life only by weeks, I don't think we can see them as ds is at school.
My parents both died this year - mum in a care home with covid - and I had to make the decisions about her care. Its easy to say things about quality over quantity, but much harder when it comes to it ime

@CMOTDibbler
My heart goes out to you. I am broken over losing my DM this year. To lose both parents and have a MIL so ill must be indescribably painful.

I'm on DH's side. Let MIL come for as long as she likes. I'd also let my DPs come and wouldn't restrict it to an hour. (I only say this because I can hear what my recently-deceased DM would say if I made the decision for her).

I would let MIL spend the day with you and then spend Boxing Day with your parents.

Remember the majority of people by far will show signs and symptoms of Covid at 4-5 days post acquiring the bug. If you guys can do everything possible to reduce chances of passing on infection, five days relative isolation before, six if you can, if possible make a separate loo for guests? I assume that your parents have not been out and about over recent weeks so pose a very low risk. Limit children touching to holding hands that have been washed, or a hugs with heads turned away and wash hands after. (New York Times had a good article on safe hugging) anyway all that sort of thing then I would let both sides come for as long as they like, and at the same time if they like.

My mum has just been diagnosed with dementia and we have decided as a family, with her, not to lock her away any more. In practice apart from medical appointments she only comes to me. We will have more here Christmas Day than my immediate family. I see her every day anyway and son number two, who is in construction, does the shower wash etc. Guest will have to be similarly careful but she would rather see her grandchildren than not.

Tough choices though. I really hope you can have a lovely Christmas one way or another.

Thank you everyone. And to everyone who are going through difficult times.

I think we'll go with MIL's wishes and try and have a normal Christmas.

Hope you all have a lovely day OP

My mum has terminal cancer and starts chemo next week, her immune system is going to non existent, her cancer is in her lungs so she is high risk. She lives alone but with me 5 minutes up the road and pretty much there all day/eve, once mum starts chemo i will be moving in and isolating to help her and care for her, she has a very brutal treatment plan.

So my plan is to make sure the kids are off school 10 days before xmas and if i can pay privately i will get everyone tested including my husband.

It will be the only way i can see my kids on xmas and not leave my mum alone which more than likely is her last one.

I think you should let MiL come but not see your parents unless you are confident that they will have been isolating for the 14 days before Xmas. It is a much bigger risk to MiL for DH to see your parents over Xmas and then continue to care for his mother for the following 14 days than it is for her to see more of a household that she unavoidably has significant interaction with.