Christmas Turning into a Battlefield...

[Gombrich479]

Hey all, I hope you can help me gain some perspective here because my husband and I are going round and around in circles and it’s doing our levels of matrimonial harmony no good at all. My husband has children from his first marriage (I have none), they’re all pretty grown up now, eldest 28 and the youngest 18. He wants to go to spend a weekend with them before Christmas which I’d obviously have no concerns about under normal circs, but we are not living in normal times. The 28 year old is a teacher, one is coming back from uni and the youngest is meeting up with great swathes of mates all the time, COVID has really not meant anything to her. My quandary is that I am worried about the potential exposure and I am struggling to feel chill about it all. I really don’t want to catch the dreaded lurgey, plus I have his 89 year old father coming to stay at Christmas and I think it’s irresponsible. He’s saying that he’ll have a test but I can’t find any info about the efficacy of that test. Does anyone know if a day after exposure the test would show it? Or do you have to wait a few days. I just don’t know how to handle this, and I’m starting to resent his attitude. We definitely don’t share a view here and it’s by luck not design that he hasn’t already caught COVID and I feel one day his (& therefore my) luck is going to run out. I add for a bit of history that I host Christmas every year for all of them usually and I wish that for just one they could compromise. Thanks :)

Suggest he meets up boxing day or somewhen after Christmas, then stays with them/isolates for 10-14 days after

Could he visit them after Christmas so his Dad will be safe. And that will mean if they have inadvertently picked up the virus any symptoms might be more obvious? He can isolate on his return.

I'm not sure you can insist that he doesn't see them at all - it might be months before we are all vaccinated.

I think the timing is the problem. A week before Christmas to see teacher children and a student then seeing an elderly relative precisely one week later isn’t sensible.

Could you switch timings around and accept it’s not a normal Christmas? So see the elderly father first. Then children on Boxing Day or 27/28th?

Thanks for you responses, I really appreciate them. Definitely more sensible for him to see them after Christmas, although the reason he wants to see them prior is because his ex-wife is away and he could stay at the house.

Does he really want to put you or his father at risk just so he can stay over? Definitely would be more sensible to see them on boxing day. If he sees the kids on 20/21 however that does still leave 22-23 to get a test however I'm guessing the testing centres might be swamped with people taking precautionary tests at that time of year so perhaps he won't get a response in time for xmas. If he does see them before xmas it would ideally be in a socially distanced venue e.g. hospitality and staying over is just asking for trouble imho. Even in normal times going out for a meal or something on boxing day would be a perfectly pleasant way to meet up and this year would also be safer than an extended time indoors with recently returned students. That being said, if the kids had been tested a day or so before meeting your DH then perhaps that could mitigate.

Tell him he has to choose between seeing his children and having his elderly father to stay as you are not willing to host FIL if it's putting him at risk.

He could still be incubating so would need to be having daily tests in order to not put FIL as risk with that time frame, which isn't possible at present as far as I'm aware.

They are starting to think about testing on day 5 of isolation for incoming visitors to the UK so that might work. The Uni child/adult should take advantage of the testing being offered before heading home, the teacher should understand and the 18 yr old is no more risky than someone still in school to be honest so the issue here is the combined bubble of people being enormous and from different areas - so look at the rates in the areas where they are from as well.

Personally I would say go after for the sake of the cost of a couple of nights B&B - far less risk to others.

When he comes back stick his clothes ALL straight in a wash with good detergent and reasonable temp, and get him in the shower for a scrub down, clean out the car and wipe over everything with appropriate wipes. You have minimise potential exposure and any viral load minimised, then 5 days and a test

He does need to see his children, but it needs to be after christmas when your father has gone home or he spends christmas apart from you.

You can not put your father at risk, not at his age, it would be totally irresponsible. Alternatively a restaurant booking for lunch with careful socially distance might be safer?

This sounds incredibly stressful, and while it all involves his family, the stress seems to be falling on you.

I would put my case and preferences, then if that was ignored/dismissed, I'd seriously consider booking myself into an Airbnb, hotel or willing friend's, as seems most appropriate, for a couple of weeks and letting them get on with it, hoping that any infectiousness would be over by the time I came back.

If his father is happy with the arrangement I would let your DH go ahead.

Does anyone know if a day after exposure the test would show it?

Not necessarily.

www.vox.com/science-and-health/21502495/covid-19-testing-false-negative-presymptomatic
Scientists don’t yet understand exactly when a person who is infected with the coronavirus will start testing positive for the virus. There are situations when a person could test negative, actually be infected, and also be contagious

@amicissimma

This sounds incredibly stressful, and while it all involves his family, the stress seems to be falling on you.

I would put my case and preferences, then if that was ignored/dismissed, I'd seriously consider booking myself into an Airbnb, hotel or willing friend's, as seems most appropriate, for a couple of weeks and letting them get on with it, hoping that any infectiousness would be over by the time I came back.

Ha!!! I have to be honest, it's crossed my mind... He is pretty egocentric with this stuff.

@Notanothernamechanged101

Does anyone know if a day after exposure the test would show it?

Not necessarily.

www.vox.com/science-and-health/21502495/covid-19-testing-false-negative-presymptomatic
Scientists don’t yet understand exactly when a person who is infected with the coronavirus will start testing positive for the virus. There are situations when a person could test negative, actually be infected, and also be contagious

Thank you!

It’s pretty selfish of your DH to be honest.

And we don’t know the rules yet anyway. Or what tiers any of us will be in. So impossible to plan.

People saying that he has every right to see his children? The 28-year-old hardly classes as a child!

There’s no point in getting a test because it would not show as positive so soon after seeing them and he could also be incubating the virus for the next two weeks. Eg a false negative.

I’m sure plenty of people will do this anyway though and so will report out and some will be caught out.

Best to wait and see what the rules are I think. But the risk is still there even if you are allowed to do it.

@Happychristmashohoho

It’s pretty selfish of your DH to be honest.

And we don’t know the rules yet anyway. Or what tiers any of us will be in. So impossible to plan.

People saying that he has every right to see his children? The 28-year-old hardly classes as a child!

There’s no point in getting a test because it would not show as positive so soon after seeing them and he could also be incubating the virus for the next two weeks. Eg a false negative.

I’m sure plenty of people will do this anyway though and so will report out and some will be caught out.

Best to wait and see what the rules are I think. But the risk is still there even if you are allowed to do it.

I agree with this, COVID isn't going to wrap up in a scarf and head off out for a week whilst we all party. It's so bloody challenging. Confess I'm always pretty weary of the family dynamics, but COVID has just amplified everything.

We don't yet know what will be allowed over Christmas. If this is within the rules (which it looks like it may be), and FIL is ok with the risk, then why shouldn't DH see his kids?

@KittenCalledBob

We don't yet know what will be allowed over Christmas. If this is within the rules (which it looks like it may be), and FIL is ok with the risk, then why shouldn't DH see his kids?

FIL would simply never be bold enough to decline an invitation, even if he was uneasy he'd accept. But yes, it's essentially his decision. Can't say I'm too enamoured at the possibility of catching it either. I caught swine flu ten years ago and that Christmas was no fun I can tell you.

What tier will you be in do you think? That will dictate whether anyone can see anyone in the week before Xmas - he might not be able to see his children indoors if that's what he's thinking. Might have to be outdoors which reduces risk??

The Xmas bubble (re your FIL) will only come into effect on Xmas Eve probably so that will be different about indoor stuff and your bubble will have to be set beforehand?

Testing just after won't cut it. In my hospital when people are potentially exposed but can't self isolate due to staffing, they have to have rapid tests at home every morning for 2 weeks.

I saw on the News today that they think the Corona virus and even the flu' virus may have a way somehow of making the people it has infected want to be more sociable in the very early stages before the symptoms show so that it can infect more people. Some way it can affect the brain.

@treesliding

What tier will you be in do you think? That will dictate whether anyone can see anyone in the week before Xmas - he might not be able to see his children indoors if that's what he's thinking. Might have to be outdoors which reduces risk??

The Xmas bubble (re your FIL) will only come into effect on Xmas Eve probably so that will be different about indoor stuff and your bubble will have to be set beforehand?

Testing just after won't cut it. In my hospital when people are potentially exposed but can't self isolate due to staffing, they have to have rapid tests at home every morning for 2 weeks.

Thank you, this is incredibly helpful. I shall go forth armed with some proper testing intel

@tara66

I saw on the News today that they think the Corona virus and even the flu' virus may have a way somehow of making the people it has infected want to be more sociable in the very early stages before the symptoms show so that it can infect more people. Some way it can affect the brain.

Cripes!

Which news?

Days 5-7 after contact are the earliest one test might give you a reliable response is my understanding.

Are you and the OH's offspring likely to be in Tier 1? Because isn't mixing inside only allowed in Tier 1 the week before Christmas? (I expect most places to be in Tier 2.)

@PrincessNutNuts

Days 5-7 after contact are the earliest one test might give you a reliable response is my understanding.

Are you and the OH's offspring likely to be in Tier 1? Because isn't mixing inside only allowed in Tier 1 the week before Christmas? (I expect most places to be in Tier 2.)

I’m off to look this up.