Do I let family visit??

[bolloxtocovid]

To cut a long story short, my DF is terminal. He's having treatment to prolong his life but won't be cured.

His brother and niece who live the other side of the world want to come for Christmas as a surprise. My intention was to self isolate pre Christmas so I could have him over for what may well be his last Christmas lunch, but have any other visitors only see him outside to keep him as safe as possible.

Is this my call? Do I say to them that they can't come as it's too risky to his health, or do I accept that he probably doesn't have long left anyway and would want to see his dear brother? Apparently they have to isolate on arrival and do a test but it's only for a few days not 14. It feels like an impossible decision to make!

Surely it's not up to you to "let" anyone see him?

This seems like a clear cut situation of he should get to spend the time he has doing something that will give him pleasure - seeing his brother and niece. Particularly if they live overseas so may be limited for visiting options.

Yes I appreciate that, it's just that they want me to give them the go ahead to fly over as a surprise, so the decision has been put in my hands. The situation with the rest of the family visiting outside is what we've all agreed is the best/safest way forward

If the treatment is effective how much longer might he have? My mum was "terminal" for five years, in those five years she saw 3 grandchildren born. I wouldnt risk it personally because unfortunately you have no way of knowing if it really is his last. Sending hugs though, its not an easy decision.

Could they come and do a 14 days self isolation? If so, I would go with that option.

In all honesty the consultant hasn't really given us a definitive length of time, just that the treatment is "palliative". I'm leaning towards not wanting to risk it, but then the thought of blocking a visit from his dB when it could be the last chance is equally awful.

I think the guidance said for people to make up their own minds in cases such as terminal illness. (shielding I mean)

i think it is is to your DF. It might be the last time he sees them.

@emmathedilemma that is something I've mentioned, it all depends on where they can get to stay and what date they can leave I guess.

Why don't you ask him what he wants to do?

Gosh, what an impossible decision. Is there any way they could isolate too for 14 days as the compromise?

There isn't any right or wrong op when there is someone terminally ill, but one thing I would say is a visit can't be a surprise. Your df has every right to be involved in the decision, so tell your uncle you're going to discuss it with him. Sorry about your df .

I hate that we've come to the point of questioning whether or not terminally ill people should see their relatives.

I think it's up to your dad. It can't be a surprise but he needs to decide from himself if its worth the risk.

Can his brothers get tested (privately) before the visit to minimise risk? If he's from a country with low transmission he might be less of a risk to your dad that you.

This isn't your decision. Put yourself in your dads shoes, do you think he'd rather they not come? I can't imagine a terminally ill parent that wouldn't want to see a child if given the opportunity.

Sorry sibling to visit*

I'd let them come.

If they have to be tested on arrival and isolate, then they may well be less of a risk to him than you are... and depending on where they are coming from, they may have less incidence of it than we do.

I think before you reject it, you'd need to talk to your Dad. If you can find a way that everyone is happy, it can be a surprise - but if you get to the point where you're going to tell them they can't see him, he should make that final call.

How will you feel if you block it without talking to him and then he says he misses them. You need to talk to him. He may say he wants quality of time not quantity. It has to be his choice

I’m sure your father would take to take the risk and see his DB. If they come over in time to do the required quarantine, you are doing all you can and it will give everyone some happy memories.

I’d discuss with your Dad and also see if they can isolate for 14 days before visiting. I think it has to be his choice. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

This cannot and must not be your decision to make which means you should go back and say it cannot be a surprise as he needs to decide if he wants them to visit.

Palliative care does not mean end of life care although it does encompass that too. Many people think of them as the same but you can receive palliative care for quite a long time. People can be terminally ill for several years. Can you not contact your DF's Consultant to discuss the situation? I know they often don't know but they should have some idea based on scans, blood tests etc (although they told my DF it could be 6 weeks or 6 months and he died 4 days later).

I would speak to his doctor, think about the DF you know and what he would want, and do what you truly believe he would want.

Some people are proud and would rather others not see them so frail. Others would just want their immediate family around. I don't think my DF would have wanted his DB there, much as he loved him, he would have wanted his DC around him, but everyone's different. What would he want OP?

To those who are saying it isn't her decision, surely she gets some say in it if she's looking after him and having him over. Covid could be passed from them onto her via her father?

Agree with pps, this can not be a surprise.
You need to speak to your df about this.
It's a big thing and while a lovely idea, could be overwhelming and that's without the Covid risk.

Following on from my last post ....

Having said that, I'm sure he will want to see them and they want to see them, so your family needs to work out how best to facilitate this!

I'm going to discuss further with the family. It's a hard balance.

@londonscalling

To those who are saying it isn't her decision, surely she gets some say in it if she's looking after him and having him over. Covid could be passed from them onto her via her father?

No she doesn't. It's up to her dad if he wants to see his siblings, it's up to him to decide if the risk is worth it if this could be his last chance to see them.