Controlling and extreme behaviour

[Lemonnhoney]

My DM is 75 and has a partner who is 67 and overweight therefore classing himself as vunerable.

He is being extremely controlling and not letting anyone near the house or allowing her to see anyone outside. She is going along with it but just so she doesn't have to deal with the hassle I think..

Back in July she was invited outside with family while he was out but he found out rang her up saying it was too dangerous and pleading (demanding) she come back home. Apparently they argued over this for months after.

I am worried about her and miss her so much. She seems OK but I'm worried this will go on for a lot longer yet as I don't believe a vaccine will be that soon...

How do I approach this? Do I just leave it? I feel like life is too short and his fear is irrational.

I understand him being scared of catching something and dying but if you walked outside while socially distancing I believe it is fine.

I mean they are both in the vulnerable category due to age. I understand how you feel but I don’t know if I’d class it as controlling - slightly irrational perhaps. Social distanced visits outside I’d be ok with!

Do you feel your mum wants to go against him but is scared?

He is controlling her movements, hasn't let her go to a shop since this began...

She would be shopping and seeing family if it was up to her.

He went out? He goes out but doesn't allow you Mum? Please try and encourage her to have some interaction with family, socially distanced and all precautions possible. Cover every base so he has no excuse.

*your

Have you not seen her since March?

Focus on supporting your mum to get thru this time with the support she needs to
A) protect her mental health
B) make decisions that she can live with at the time

That means mostly listening & asking her what you can do for her. Is all you can do.

Yes we used to take shopping and sit in the garden but that has stopped in September.. We are no longer aloud.

@lljkk. Thank you, i know that's what we need to do... She seems OK but I just feel frustrated by the whole situation.

I shouldn't make it about me though.

Why did he go out OP? If he is going out, it could make persuading him to agree for your mum to have a bit of a life with all precautions taken a bit easier, double standards etc. Can understand why he is concerned as his health could be at risk but mental health is so important too.

He went to do a hobby. That has stopped now obviously during lockdown.

I understand his concern too but it's not rational. I feel as if I'll just have to leave it but knowing it could go on for another year or more is just upsetting.

Could you suggest their GP talk to him?

Sounds like he won't listen to you but might listen to a medic perhaps.

He went out for whatever this "hobby" is, but she has never been allowed to?

Double standards right there! Possibly controlling and abusive behaviour, especially if he is controlling in any other ways. Is he?

I think that all you can do is be there for your mother and offer support. Whatever the problem is though, she is the one who ultimately has to want to do something about it.

Keep talking to her. Probe a little and see if there might be other issues.

Have they been together a long time ? Was he like this before Covid ? Or has this behaviour only been since the virus?

He's being controlling. Yes he is more at risk of having complications if he caught it.
How about he addresses his obesity ( i dont mean to be harsh), so he would reduce that risk.

Have you spoken to your DM about it, or is it just not mentioned?