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Covid

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Original poster

Advice needed re student DS

30 replies

Hassled · 05/11/2020 12:28

I have a 18 year old DS at university 5.5 hours away. His mental health wasn't great even before Covid, got worse during the first lockdown and with the benefit of hindsight he should never have gone to Uni - but he thought a change of scene/something to do/student life etc would help.

Since he's been there he's been in a small bubble of people he doesn't know, he's had Covid (mildly, but I think it was still all pretty big and scary for him), he's completely homesick and miserable. He hasn't had any in person teaching and lectures are pre-recorded.

What I didn't know until last night was that he feels really, properly depressed rather than "just a bit low". He's been masking it when we've spoken to him - but it's an awful lot worse than I realised. I am very worried about him. He's spoken to the GP there, asked for ADs but instead has a online counselling session booked.

He wants to come home, I want my boy back. Obviously it's not ideal that he waited till the night before lockdown to tell me he's in a very bad way.

Can he come home? Could it fall into the "moving house" category or is that me just clutching at straws? As it stands, I'm not sure that if he comes home he will return to Uni - at least not until January. Is there any sort of Welfare clause that would make it OK? He could take a train to a halfway point and then DH could collect him, so DH doesn't have to drive 11 hours in a day or stay overnight somewhere which isn't even allowed in any case. It's just DH and I at home.

I promise I'm not normally one for looking for loopholes - I'm normally a stickler for compliance. Part of me can't even believe I'm contemplating this but the thought of DS depressed and alone makes me weep. Can we rescue him?

OP posts:

mumsneedwine · 05/11/2020 12:43

Go and get him. Mental health is an exception to the rules and his safety is at risk. If he's been out much then try and isolate in your house. But it sounds like he needs his mum. Can carry on with lectures at home.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 05/11/2020 12:49

Absolutely go and get him.

He's telling you his mood is a problem, he's asking for help. I'd go and get him without hesitation.

I hope he feels better soon.

whiteroseredrose · 05/11/2020 12:51

I'd get him, no question. Covid isn't the only important thing in life. Mental health is just as important. It's not like he's going to go out to raves when he gets back.

bengalcat · 05/11/2020 12:56

Of course you can go and get him or he can come home . I was about to type might it be a good idea for him to attend his online counselling session like a idiot then twigged he can of course attend this and any online teaching from home .

DownThePlath · 05/11/2020 12:59

Absolutely go and get him.

Your son's life is worth more than a half-assed lockdown

Original poster

Hassled · 05/11/2020 13:00

Thank you so much - I needed the validation. I can't just leave him there - he needs his family and he's so isolated and down.
He presumably has a bit of immunity having had Covid early October so I don't see there's a risk in him travelling and once he's here he won't be going anywhere. And yes, he can do his counselling from here and I'll encourage him to keep doing the actual Uni work (although that's overwhelming for him at the moment).
Thank you!

OP posts:

muddledmidget · 05/11/2020 13:02

It's definitely OK, I would be in the car right now. Do you both drive? Or does your son drive? If so I'd be tempted to split the driving between 2 or even 3 of you and just get him home today.

Peridot1 · 05/11/2020 13:09

Definitely go get him.

Mine helped a friend share driving yesterday to pick up his stuff from uni about 5.5 hours away. They did make things complicated as DS is at a different uni and is now at home without his own stuff. He is going to drive back tomorrow and see how he feels in a few days.

None of what they did or are doing is strictly within guidelines but I really don’t care.

We comply with absolutely everything else but I’m not having my DS at risk of declining mental health through issues through no fault of his own.

Mindymomo · 05/11/2020 13:10

Yes, definitely go and get him, you will not be in trouble. It’s for his mental health and they’ve said that if support is needed then it’s ok to do what you have to.

I hope once you get him home you can get him the support he needs, it must be very stressful for you as well.

Racoonworld · 05/11/2020 13:23

Definitely go and get him. But maybe your household should isolate when he’s back to be on the safe side. Don’t go and do any jobs with vulnerable people for example!

NewIdeasToday · 05/11/2020 13:30

Go and get him. Hope he feels better once he’s home.

His university will have mental health support for students. Encourage him to get in touch and see what help they can give him.

Tyzz · 05/11/2020 13:36

Absolutely go and get him. Now.
Mental illness is just as valid as a physical illness, I suspect the uni GP is swamped with depressed / anxious teenagers and they don't necessarily know how urgent it is. You know your son.
Even if it were illegal I would risk prison if it were my boy in that situation. In any event it's allowed, it's a medical emergency and he is moving house.
His counselling session might take weeks or months to happen.
I've been there with an adult DC.

LindainLockdown · 05/11/2020 13:57

100% get him home asap.

harridan50 · 05/11/2020 14:01

Go and get him now. No question. The damage done is going to be bigger than covid at this rate. He can always go to uni in the future it is not the end of the world. Give him a big hug

CovidClara · 05/11/2020 15:16

@Hassled

Thank you so much - I needed the validation. I can't just leave him there - he needs his family and he's so isolated and down. He presumably has a bit of immunity having had Covid early October so I don't see there's a risk in him travelling and once he's here he won't be going anywhere. And yes, he can do his counselling from here and I'll encourage him to keep doing the actual Uni work (although that's overwhelming for him at the moment). Thank you!

My sons 3rd year and didn't go back to uni physically. He was in halls for 1st and 2nd year, came home when they shut down in March It is all on line, on his course none of them have gone back in person.

He thinks the teaching is better and they certainly have a pretty full timetable.

MiddlesexGirl · 05/11/2020 16:59

So many of them are going home, with no mental health conditions. Seems silly to stay when the place will be empty and all the teaching is online. Especially for first years who won't have had much opportunity to make friends.
So yes, get him home.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/11/2020 17:02

Get him home, don't worry about lockdown etc, his mental health is of utmost priority here. It's so difficult for these first year students.

Original poster

Hassled · 05/11/2020 17:04

Thank you everyone - I really was expecting someone to tell me I shouldn't even think about breaking the rules.

Operation "Rescue Our Boy" commences first thing tomorrow. DS seems brighter just knowing he's coming home. DH has announced he'll take any fine "even if we have to remortgage" - I've told him it's unlikely to come to that!

I really do appreciate the support - thanks again.

OP posts:

NickVanDyke · 05/11/2020 17:07

go get your son. Universities are horrible at the moment and if he’s had covid he’s unlikely to be a transmission risk.

Do what is best for your son, no one else is looking out for student dc.

DiddlySquatty · 05/11/2020 17:08

I’m glad you’re going to get him 👍
Absolutely this is allowed as he’s not well.
(Also the main road this morning was busier than ever so it seems like a bit of a non lockdown!)

NickVanDyke · 05/11/2020 17:11

So glad you are getting your son OP.

user1493494961 · 05/11/2020 18:36

Hope your DS feels better once he's home.

SaskiaRembrandt · 05/11/2020 18:53

@Hassled

Thank you everyone - I really was expecting someone to tell me I shouldn't even think about breaking the rules.

I really do appreciate the support - thanks again.

I can't imagine you'll be fined. I think travel or moving for medical reasons is allowed.

I hope he starts to pick up once he's back home.

PantTwizzler · 05/11/2020 18:59

Such a worry OP. Glad you have a plan.

SupportingSally · 05/11/2020 19:32

I agree about getting him. No question. Nor would his being on a train be a problem. There’s no way he/you should get a fine as there is a reasonable excuse (the wording of the regulations) to be out of your home, but even if you did it would be £100 if you pay within 14 days so there would be no need to remortgage. This is so tough on the young. I wish you and you DS all the best. He’s lucky to have you.

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