I don’t know what to do

[Sadandsadder888]

I’m living, on the English side of the Wales/England border. I’m in a house with my abusive STBXH, autistic DC and toddler DTwins. I have severe anxiety with daily panic attacks and terrible depression. My entire support network is on the Welsh side of the border.

It seems as though Wales and England are tag teaming lockdowns at the moment. The Welsh lockdown ends 4 days after the English one begins and I bet Wales will reenter lockdown just as the English restrictions are lifted.

My divorce should be granted in the next few weeks and I’m in the process of buying my own home as STBXH refuses to leave the marital home. He is doing everything he can to hold up my house purchase and the divorce and not cooperating at all. At least once I have my own home I can form a support bubble with someone supportive although I’m not sure these are allowed cross-border anyway.

I’m stuck here because I can’t drive and the DC need to stay local to schools.

I don’t know how much more I can take.

You sound like you are in a very tough situation

What specifically do you want to do that is being prevented by English/Welsh lockdowns?

Your reasons for going to/from Wales sound essential to me - so should always be allowed?

I want to see my family. I desperately want a hug from someone who cares. I’m so fed up of being scared and alone. I have my children of course but they need me to be brave. I guess I just need some support to bolster the braveness.

Sorry that sounds really hard. In your situation I would just form a bubble with one household in Wales. It’s not allowed but if your struggling then just do it but pick the least risky option and stick to just one.

My STBXH threatens to report me to the police if I try to see my family

Can you and the children move in with a family member? It's OK to leave your home if you are at risk of harm.

You shouldn't have to move out, but if it keeps you safe and protects your mental health, then it would be the right thing to do. Even if it means the kids missing a few weeks of school, explain the situation and I'm sure the school will support you.

I think you have to try and go to your family in Wales if at all possible.

What are the Welsh rules on leaving home to collect and care for a vulnerable person? Are they similar to England's? Can your family come and collect you?

The abuse and anxiety place you and your children in danger and render you vulnerable. That has always been a specific exemption to the lockdown rules and considered a valid reason for leaving your home. At least in England and I would thought that the Welsh government would have needed similar measures in place.

Perhaps take advice from Women's Aid. You are in an abusive relationship and a vulnerable situation, as are your children, who need to be safeguarded.

A) but will he actually report you, or just threaten?

B) it might actually be helpful to have the police involved!! Once they hear your circumstances I don't think they'd fine you and they might just caution him or put you in touch with more specialist support.

Could your GP intervene and provide a letter for you to see family?

You're doing a fabulous job, and you are incredibly strong to have got this far. It will get better

You would be going to your family to get away from an abusive and dangerous situation in order to safeguard yourself and your children.

Surely that is allowed. So let him report.

Moving out with family isn’t really an option. The only person who has even vaguely enough space is my mother but she is very unwell, having the children at home with her would be too tiring and detrimental to her health. The moving around and lack of school would also be very harmful for my child with autism and in turn the rest of us who have to try and help him manage his behaviour.

I don’t think there is a solution. I just wanted to vent I guess. I’m at my limit.

That sounds so so tough. Hang on in there you can do this , just a few more weeks and you will be free.

I think you need Women's Aid then.

You are allowed to use the Welsh side of your family for childcare under firebreak rules. Your husband could report you but as it's legal nothing would come of it.

You need to physically drop the kids off so nobody would know if you popped in for a quick cuddle while you were there, which is actually against the rules but I think in your circumstances it is absolutely necessary.

I'm sorry I can't help with the support side of your situation, but something bothered me about your post and I hope you don't mind me mentioning it.

Have you sorted out the financial settlement side of the divorce yet?

How far along are you with buying your own home?

Do you have a solicitor advising you?

If you buy a new home before the divorce is finalised and before a financial settlement has been agreed there is a chance that your new home will be included in the marital assets. It is strongly advised that you don't buy a home until everything else is sorted. Could you rent instead?

I really feel for you and send you a virtual hug. Please do what you can for your own mental health, don’t be afraid of your bullying husband, you are strong.

Good luck, you are a very brave person.

The house is being bought with the divorce proceeds. It’s part of the financial settlement. My solicitor isn’t entirely happy with what I’ve agreed to accept but STBXH has threatened to effectively waste every penny we have on legal fees if I disagree with him and at this point getting out is my main priority.

That's good to hear op. I wish you well. My daughter's financial settlement is being sorted now after she left an abusive marriage.

You can absolutely have mental health support from your Welsh support network. The First Minister made it clear yesterday that mental health support is an essential reason for travel (so you can cross the border) - last part of this article www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-54777431.
If it would put your mind at rest, take any documentation (prescriptions even) of your mental health needs with you to show if challenged but you do not need to do this.

OP you are absolutely allowed to form a support bubble if you are in an abusive relationship. During the first lockdown my abusive exH reported me to the police for ‘breaking the rules’ by visiting my parents. The police were incredibly supportive and said it was fine. In the end me and the DC moved in with my parents because the whole situation was so awful. It was the best thing I could have done. Could this be a possibility for you? Sounds like it would only be for a short time until your new house is ready. Best of luck with everything, please ask for support from the police / women’s aid etc. they are so helpful xx

@bobby81 what a good and helpful story, those sorts of situations and solutions should be publicised more!

Glad you and your DC are safe now.

Thanks @Augustbreeze The police are taking domestic abuse (in all its forms) very seriously but it can be terrifying to ask for help. I really hope the message is put out there more that support bubbles are allowed in these circumstances and victims are being listened to and supported.

Thank you for sharing Bobby.