Are the restrictions affecting your relationships?

[Werk]

With your family and friends?

I am in a tier 2 area as is my mum who lives 10/15 mins away, my sister is tier 1 and about 45 mins from my mum.

I last saw my mum a week before the restrictions changed - me, my mum and my sister went for a meal. However, my mum is in her 70's and she decided that she will only see our DC outside as they are back at school (all primary age) she last saw my DC at the end of August. Fair enough, we have to go by what she is happy with and now the rules have changed. I have not suggested an outside meeting since as I want to follow my mum's lead on what she is happy to do. She has not suggested seeing my DC. The end of August meeting was me suggesting I go to my sister's house so the cousins could play, my mum chose to join us.

Before that and all over the summer I have seen my mum and sister in their gardens. I have suggested all of these meetings. They never really came to my house before - my sister probably comes once a year, I go to hers about once a month but since the lockdown and restrictions have come in I have realised that it is always me that suggests things, always me that drives to them.

We get on, I think, we have a group WhatsApp chat which is constantly buzzing and I pretty much chat to my mum on there, not separately unless it is about my sister's birthday or something. We FaceTime so she can see my DC.

I am in a support bubble with my MIL (my mum lives with her partner) and we are going to stay with her for a few days this week (half term), we go on Wednesday.

My mum messaged my sister on our WhatsApp group, clearly on the wrong chat, saying she was looking forward to seeing them all on Wednesday. She is going to my sister's house. I am under no illusion that she will be sitting in my sister's garden, obviously she will be going into her house.

My DC have a two week half term, they have been off a week already and at no point did she suggest seeing me and my DC, even in her garden.

I feel really hurt, I am trying to navigate this as we all are and I am trying to make sure I don't suggest things that she won't be comfortable doing - perhaps this is wrong? Should I have suggested meeting her?

I find it strange that they have arranged Wednesday - funny that it is the first day that they know I could not come? Not that I would because it is against the rules.

My mum clearly realised that she had posted in the wrong place and tried to backtrack by saying that it was ok to go to my sister's but not mine because she is tier 1- obviously it isn't; she is all over the news and the rules so I don't think she actually believes this.

Looking back at a few things, our meal out for instance, I think my mum has been regularly going to my sister's house to see her and her DC.

I feel really hurt and it has opened old wounds from my childhood where I felt left out/ second best. I really feel like digging my heels in and not seeing either of them unless they suggest it but is that really petty? Am I just cutting my nose off to spite my face?

I also feel pretty sad that my mum doesn't care whether or not she sees my DC, they are 3&5 and so although we facetime, they aren't exactly having a good chat. Maybe that is enough for her.

I think it's stressful and can add to problems already there.

I was finding it tricky older vulnerable relatives wanting us to visit when DC had cases at school, not sure what to do. And them being a bit funny when I mentioned it. "we don't want to think about it' they told me.

Now one is in hospital with pnuemonia (non covid ) so won't be visiting anyway. It's all tricky and stressful

I guess just do what you think right...

I can empathise, my mother has ALWAYS favoured my sister over me. She loves me very much and we have a good relationship but my sister was her perfect firstborn and I was the third.

I have as I have gotten older realised that this doesn’t matter and it is her issue. I Am a fully grown women who has a family and friends and a life of my own and their behaviour doesn’t really matter.

It won’t make you feel any better to be icy to them and if you enjoy spending time with them continue to arrange it.if you don’t, don’t bother.

That being said I know it’s not easy and incredibly hurtful. You can control what your mom does, you can only really control how you react to it.

@Orangeblossom7777 I guess that's the thing, I have been cautious not to suggest meeting as I would hate for her to catch anything after having been with me/ my DC and so maybe she is getting the vibe from me that I don't want to see her.

@LH1987 yes, I have always known that my sister is her favourite and in many ways I am over it. I can understand that you would get on with one child more than another and naturally gravitate towards them but the fact it is carrying on down a generation really hurts.

In fact, my mum prefers my niece (first born of all her grandchildren) and so maybe that's just the way she is.