Really struggling - please can you tell me about care home visiting restrictions in your area?

[Littlemiss74]

My DF is in a specialist care home for severe mental illnesses, in his case Alzheimers. We went 3 months without seeing him & then in the summer were allowed to see him outside, 2m apart and wearing a mask. Before lockdown he knew us all and could speak a little. Now, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know who I am and he doesn’t speak. He does however still recognise my mum.

The care home issued an email the other week to say only one person could visit once a week and so we agreed this should be my mum. A couple of weeks later my mum phoned them to book her visit and was told quite abruptly on the phone that she could not visit. She was confused as no further email communication had been sent by the manager to advise of this change.

I phoned the manager on Friday to clarify the situation. He said they follow the government guidance which says to limit outside contacts where possible and to only make visits where they are necessary or essential. He said he can’t stop my mum visiting but that he would strongly advise against it.

I rang and updated my mum & she broke down crying. It was awful. She said if she can’t see him for months he will never remember her again. She said if she can’t see him then what’s the point, it will be the end. She feels that the only tiny bit of happiness and stimulation be gets now is from seeing her.

He had coronavirus earlier in the year. I said to her thank goodness he recovered and she just went quiet. I think she thinks it might have been better if he hadn’t as she says he has no quality of life at all.

We are in the south east in a very low case area. Other care homes around are still allowing visitors outside or through the window.
I am thinking about emailing the manager and saying that we deem my mum’s visits as both necessary & essential and that she would be happy to just talk to him through a window and not go inside.
Do you think this is reasonable? Can we insist on it?
I would like to hear what other care homes are allowing & also from anyone who works in one.

I am very worried, more about my mum’s health than my dad’s as yesterday she was utterly distraught. The stress of worrying about her is also starting to impact on me & my own family.

Thank you for reading.

I would contact the manager and discuss what you have said here. I guess your Father is not necessarily at risk if he has had covid but the rest of the residents are. Can they allow window visits at the very least.

I agree that this situation is an absolute nightmare for residents. I am glad that I am not making the decisions but you do have to question the quality of life they are getting. Our home has been outstanding but it is hard for them and our mother is getting worse but that may have happened anyway.

We are allowed visits indoors now but we enter through an external door straight into the room. We are miles away from our family with a large table in between us, they have also blocked the way to prevent us getting any nearer. We are allowed 30 mins once a week not great but better than nothing obvioulsy wear masks and they do a questionnaire each time and temperature check. I am not sure how long these visits will last though with cases going up again.

Thank you @PollyRoulson I think I need to put something in writing to the manager following on from our conversation on Friday and say having thought about it I think my mum’s visits are necessary. I mean how risky can it be if she is outside the window?!
I actually feel in our case that it is worse for us/my mum than my dad as he really isn’t aware of what’s going on. For my mum, she knows he is in his last months/years & doesn’t want to not be able to see him. She feels she is abandoning him. She has become very low and sad over the past few months.

That’s good that you are allowed to visit indoors but it must be difficult to communicate with the mask on and being so far apart in the room isn’t it?

I would say your father's visits with his wife are very much necessary for his mental health and wellbeing.

You are his advocate in this.

Can you get him really good outdoor clothing so that they can continue to meet outside even in colder weather, reducing chances of transmission while keeping him safe and warm?

I am sure you will have already seen this, but just in case any of the information or suggestions are useful: www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/care-homes-coronavirus-visits-government-guidance-dementia

In my experience also, having some form of accountability in the form of visitors who see the person and can see whether they are losing weight, looking well or ill etc, can see how well they are dressed and groomed etc, and generally take an interest is critical in maintaining good levels of care and attention from a care home.

@MotherOfDragonite thank you so much, your message made me well up. It’s so hard as it feels like they make the rules now about my Dad i.e they decide whether it is too cold for him to go outside not us & yet as you say we could wrap him up for 10 minutes just to get him some fresh air & a change from those 4 walls. My mum feels like she is being a nuisance when she phones up to ask to visit. She is his next of kin & power of attorney so surely she should have some say in things? I know they are scared of the virus getting in and there’s no way we want to put anyone at risk but at this rate I think the mental problems are going to affect more than just my Dad in my family.

It's so hard. My Dad has not been allowed to see his wife since February. She's in an Alzheimer's care home and they said two weeks ago that they could finally start taking bookings for visits but then they had a suspected case of Covid amongst the staff so weren't allowing anyone obviously. Still waiting to hear about the result so fingers crossed he will be allowed to go and finally see her soon.

I've seen my dad once for 20 minutes through a window. That's the only time since early March. We're currently in a "lockdown" area.

It’s very sad OP but if the virus gets into the home the majority of residents and possibly some staff, will die

Ventilation and meeting outdoors is a very effective way of mitigating risk when it comes to Covid-19. Lots of data on this -- look at Germany if you need proof for the nursing home.

As my DD's forest school nursery says, "There's no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing!"

Ask what outdoor kit he would need in order to make it possible for them to meet outdoors on a regular basis. Just guessing, I would suggest a really good warm Gore-tex jacket, a large golfing type umbrella, excellent hat and gloves and coat, and for my DF we had a sort of warm sleeping bag type thing that his legs could go in while sitting down in a wheelchair.

The thing is that the carers are going in and out all the time, so it is not like the risk is gone if your mum doesn't visit (in fact, there's also a risk to her in visiting).

Of course there is a risk from coronavirus (whether or not your mum visits actually) but there is a huge risk to people in care homes from isolation from their loved ones.

I feel really strongly about this as one of my good friends is disabled and in a care home, as have been two of my close older family members.

@Fast90 I know, it got in there in March & most of them had it including my Dad. They lost 6 people so I can totally understand why they are being so cautious. I’m not blaming them. I’m just trying to find some safe way that my mum can see him just every couple of weeks. We tried skype last time but he had no clue that we were there or what it was all about.
I have to say I didn’t realise that some home hadn’t allowed any visits at all since March, that must be heartbreaking.

Surely there has to be a way forward so that loved ones can safely see each other?. I think my mum is worried that he may pass away over the winter and she will not have been able to see him.

Also they’ve the hairdresser in to visit - who knows where she’s been! I’m sorry but I think seeing your wife is more essential than having your hair cut.

My Mil was in a nursing home since the beginning of lockdown, we didn't see her from March until August.
We were then allowed to see her through a window once a week. Saw her last Wednesday morning and unfortunately
she died Wednesday evening from a heart attack.
The only time we could actually touch her was at the funeral parlor.
Such a sad end of life.

@Littlemiss74
The hairdresser probably is actually more essential in that keeping the residents hair a manageable length is essential in keeping up with good personal hygiene (I somehow doubt she was there all day colouring the residents hair...).

Oh Noidea2114 that is heartbreaking. Take care of yourselves

We had out door visiting since August, again masked up and at a distance. Mum was wrapped in a rug and coats. She actually enjoyed being out in the fresh air for a bit. She was under a gazebo we were not allowed to approach the gazebo.

Litlemiss74 I really feel that the home should be accommodating visits of some sort - of course there is no risk outside of a window. I can understand your Mum feeling like she is making a fuss but she absolutely isn't. She has all of us on this thread behind her.

My friend was admitted as an emergency at the start of lock down. But is staying permanently. I'm so impressed with the c are home. He's had fantastic care. We were allowed a visit under a gazebo in the garden. But they locked down again a couple of weeks ago. (Not in a local lock down area). So all visiting stopped.
He's not been out since 5th March and I think his men health is not really suffering. He desperately needed to go to the back to sorry out a current account, but isn't allowed to Leave. I'm a nurse and I absolutely understand the reason for the Rules. But he needs to be let out. Just to bank and for a coffee.