"Care and support" vs socialising - argh!

[SleeplessGeordie]

So, I'm in local lockdown in the North East.
It's now illegal to meet anyone indoors, anywhere.

I live alone. I have autism and a history of related MH issues, but am not in any services not anything. I'm managing too well and pass for normal... However, my managing is dependent on feeling I have things to live for, most of which have been taken away by lockdown and everything. Actually I'm kind of in shock still, so can't think of the future. Um... It's also dependent on having a certain amount of social interaction, without that I plummet rapidly and can't function properly especially occupationally (I am studying at present but not working).

I'm really struggling with knowing where the line is between socialising and "providing care or support to a vulnerable person" which is allowed. A few days ago I totally broke down after several days not rest functioning and a friend actually had to bring me dinner and talk me through the basics I needed to do, I couldn't think to eat or anything. It was really frightening as I am normally very capable and don't really think of myself as disabled.

The thing is, it seems counter productive (and horrible to experience) to have to wait until I break down and then am legally allowed to see a friend who needs to provide me with care. Not to mention the effect of being unable to study and drop out of my degree and lose one of the only two things worth living for now. I have spent most of the past six months dealing with suicidal feelings and started planning at points. I'm really trying not to go back to that dark place, but I need to see people to manage that. But if if apparently swanning round socialising and apparently happy/not obviously mental then I might be fined!

I should say I am in a support bubble with one person I most need to see (and vice versa). However for various reasons we can only meet maybe once a week on average. If I do what I need to cope I would only be seeing 2 extra households, one is single person and we usually socially distance anyway.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice or knows any more about how care is defined I'd appreciate it. Finding it horrendous that the parameters of life have been set to such levels that I don't think I can actually do it.

*several days not really functioning.

100% see the other people you need to see. Please look after yourself. Apart from anything, in your situation what you want to do is allowed.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much.
If your mental health is that bad you definitely count under needing care. Please do also speak to your doctor. You need some help and they can refer you for MH support.

Separately it's a bloody shame the baby was thrown out with the bath water. Valium works wonders for times of exceptional stress.

I think that keeping up your current support system is very sensible.

Why can you only see your support bubble once a week? That’s what support bubbles are there for, for your support so you should really be in one that gives you it. If you really can’t do that, then maybe link up with one other household as it sounds like you need the help. Two other households might be pushing it seeing as you already have a support bubble though.

Definitely contact your Gp for support and share how you are not coping as you posted above.

Plus contact the college/Uni support services where you are studying for support.

Absolutely continue to see who you need to see. We have a family member who we will continue to see whatever the rules about household mixing are because ds who has autism needs to retain contact.

Racoonworld I'd rather not go into details in case it's identifying. My support bubble person in my best friend, the person who understands me far more than anyone. We speak on the phone daily even when we can't see each other.

Thing is, I don't have anyone else close enough (emotionally) that I could realistically expect to see often enough/when I needed to. Or who I feel comfortable being the sole person I see. And I would feel like such a burden to them; you're not supposed to need people like that. It's not socially acceptable and I don't want to lose friends by being too needy. I already feel I've lost friends or become more of an acquaintance due to restricted socialising (a thousand acquaintances and few real friends, the curse of the female autist). Having some semblance of community around was a big thing in my life in terms of healing from my past and sort of feeling able to live and cope with doing more, work out how to get back into employment etc.

This is where it gets confusing. Am I allowed support to function at my best (well not best in these circumstances but as well as possible), or just to exist?

Also everyone has their own problems, I give emotional support as well as receive it. But there's a sort of variety to this I'm normal times, whereas now we're being asked to pick one person to fulfil all our emotional needs and us theirs. It doesn't work, I don't have a person like that. It's not considered mentally healthy in normal times so I've always gone the opposite way and aimed to have various friendships which bring different things to my life.

As for seeing the GP - my GP could speak to me, I suppose, but it doesn't seem helpful to focus on the bad stuff. It's going to swamp me if I do. I'm already doing all I can to be positive and keep going, I don't know what else I can do in the face of restrictions that have taken away most of what mattered in my life and the things that helped me keep going. The mental health team don't treat circumstances... Also they point blank refuse to see me because of autism (I apparently need specialist autism services, and there aren't any). Also let's just say I have a long history of attempting to get help from services and they have been a dreadful part of what I have tried to heal from in life. (And it was me who realised I might be autistic and had to push for assessment as an adult).

Sorry this is so long, it's difficult to explain things.

Can you work out how much socialising you need to stay functional and then make sure you get that? I think that's entirely legitimate.

Also, there is no register of who is in a support bubble with whom, so if you are in a bubble with A but also see B once a week, then in the unlikely situation you are questioned by the police when with B you can always say you are in a bubble with B.

OP, as others have said, look into what could be available from support services.

Are you allowed to see people outside your house? If so, contact those you know, suggest a walk nearby if you have countryside/parks. If you can't easily leave a built up area, a local walk) cycling and takeaway coffee with them.

Days you are on your own, get yourself out - exercise is good for you and you'll pass others to say hello to.

IrenetheQuaint I am basically doing that. It depends on how I'm doing and how they're doing, but it probably averages out to needing social contact every other day.

One of the reasons my support bubble is officially who it is, is that we're the most likely to be spotted out together or questioned or need to check in somewhere together. I'm think the police have enough info on me (welfare checks in the past and so on) that there's reasonable evidence that any other meetings could be interpreted as support to a vulnerable person. (God, it's so humiliating. I was doing great passing for normal and not feeling like a pathetic mess until this happened...)

I just feel so worried and guilty about it all.

It's mad though. If anyone had said a year ago that it'd be illegal to meet with friends it would be unthinkable. I know why, but... It hits me now and then. Bloody hell.

I think fines are for frequent and flagrant offenders .Not someone in your position with such frail mental health .If it did come to the point of a fine ( which honestly I think is v v v unlikely ) surely your GP could provide confirmation of your circumstances and need for support .

You absolutely must see people ,as said above ,try and work out who and when and see them .

Good luck and I'm sorry you're in this position and that you're struggling so much .

starfish We're not supposed to meet others outside either, but it's not actually illegal. I meet friends outside for walks etc where possible but obviously with the weather being worse and being in the north it's getting harder.

I am the fittest I have ever been and exercise daily. I kind of feel like I'm doing all the things I can on my own to be ok.

Please don't feel humiliated. This is an extraordinary time, and it's awful! Try not to add shame to that too. You're actually doing really well.

Could you set up a support thread on here for others in your situation? Could you find something local to do where you are helping someone else? Cinnamon trust or food bank similar? That might help with purpose. Sounds daft but have you the possibility of having a small pet? My friend who lives alone and has struggled hugely adopted a pet in the summer and she has credited this with keeping her going - he provides purpose, love, company and entertainment. And she can tell him anything.

Is going for a walk an option? I’m thinking of what else you can do to facilitate more support - I’m not sure what your local lockdown means in terms of walking outside with others, maybe others can clarify, but where I am we can walk socially distanced with up to two other households (max 6 people).

My DD 16 is similar - she can't function without regular social interaction. We are not in a restricted area (yet) but if we were I would weigh up the risk and she would be having as much SD contact as possible. Otherwise her MH severely deteriorates. I'd say do what you need to do to - seeing one or two extra friends outside your bubble SD outside or somewhere well ventilated. Sorry missed if you have a garden?