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Covid

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Original poster

Covid family argument

30 replies

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 01:22

With the new rules announced in the last few days, my OH informed his family tonight that we would be abiding by the rules therefore no indoor visits, and no childcare unless absolutely essential because they didn't stick to lockdown in the spring (allowing other people into their house, thinking they can bubble with 3 other households) so they clearly aren't going to now. Later on MIL attacked him, arguing that we are sticking too close to the official rules, trying to find loopholes in the rules, questioning whether we're applying the same rules to my parents, and worst of all, criticising him personally saying he's being horrible and treats other people badly. We just want to do what's right (and protect his grandmother).

I understand that it's hard for them to hear that they won't get to see much of their only grandson but we're not trying to be unfair. It's not our choice and it makes my life harder too as I have no one to help with DS. MIL just doesn't seem to be able to fully respect our decisions unless she agrees with them (this is not the only incident in the 4 months we've been parents). Essentially we're being told to break the law and go against our own consciences or else deal with their emotional guilt trips and insults. WAnybody have any advice for navigating this?

OP posts:

cbt944 · 23/09/2020 01:48

People are not rational on the topic of Covid. They seem to believe they can trust their own (often uninformed) thinking and their own 'risk assessment' and so on. I don't know what you can do other than stick to your guns and protect your own health and the health of your family.

I am really sorry you and your partner are being attacked for doing the right thing, by the rest of society, and for protecting yourselves.

I suppose a Broken Record technique, repeating your basic stance calmly (while the accusations and loophole finding continue maddeningly), and inserting mollifying statements: eg "We have decided to do/not do this....because we want to protect our own and others' health....because these are the official guidelines...and of course we will miss seeing you very much."

One general rule of boundary setting is that you cannot set a boundary and also be responsible for the other person's feelings. I try to view such difficult people as your MIL as storms, that will pass, and unfortunately recur, and find ways to shelter from them.

Mintjulia · 23/09/2020 02:07

You should stick to your guns. This is an unprecedented situation, you and your oh have made a decision that is intended to protect family members and the wider community, and that's the end of the discussion. Your child, your rules.

If your mil won't respect that, I'd go lower contact and ignore any childish sulking.

DebbieFiderer · 23/09/2020 07:40

I'd go with the broken record technique, but also ensure that every time she mentions rules, you make sure you call them laws. It might help it to sink in that breaking them is breaking the law, not just no doing what you are told

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 09:45

Thanks for the responses, we will definitely be lower contact anyway, because that's now the law, I just hope we can come out of this with the family relationship still intact. We don't want them to view this as us withdrawing or not wanting them to be able to see him, but they do. On their side that brings hurt that they think we are doing it on purpose or something, and on our side it brings anger that they won't respect our decision as his parents. Last time something similar happened I went to try to calmly explain our position but just got emotions thrown at me. The only thing that seemed to make MIL any more understanding was when we changed our position slightly once circumstances changed.

Will try to just keep calm and stick to the law as peacefully as we can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 09:50

@cbt944 the storm advice is very helpful, thank you. I find it very hard to say no to them as I'm very aware I'm just the DIL and as we live half a mile from them but 6 hours from my parents it's kind of important the family relationship doesn't suffer permanent damage.

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LemonTT · 23/09/2020 09:54

We are not in lockdown. There is still plenty of scope to meet with family. Just in reduced numbers and as far as I can see that means splitting up larger gathering to happen at different times. The fewer people the more control and the more distance.

The new rules are not a never or not at all. I don’t get why people treat them as such. I think at least one party has to be difficult to create an argument out of this. I don’t think Covid is at the root of the problems here.

JayDot500 · 23/09/2020 09:55

Sorry OP. My mum is being like this too. She's had it already this year so thinks she's invincible. Which is great for her but means she is taking more risks and she's been more active than ever recently. So, with a vulnerable DH, I'm sticking to my guns. She is trying to guilt trip me into allowing her to see her grandkids. Broken record technique works a treat!

Whenwilligrowup · 23/09/2020 10:02

But theres no rule about not meeting indoors if it's under 6 people op? How many people are in your family? We're coming into winter now so harder to meet outdoors . Maybe just split the amount of people ?

Northernsoullover · 23/09/2020 10:16

@Whenwilligrowup just because you can doesn't mean you should. I know exactly among whom covid is transmitting where I live and the OP is doing the right thing by not mixing. I am 'allowed' to see my elderly parents indoors but we are only doing so outside.

palacegirl77 · 23/09/2020 10:20

Out of interest ARE you applying the same rule to seeing your family?

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:21

@Whenwilligrowup

Where we are there is no households mixing at all. MIL wants us to visit with them several times a week as we had been the month or so but that's no longer allowed. We can still go for walks and things and we are happy to do that but not to go into their house

OP posts:

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:24

My family live over 6 hours away so haven't seen them since July. We had hoped to see them early November. At the moment it's still possible if there's no further restrictions but who knows. They live in an area with different covid laws so which rules we apply if we do get to see them could be another issue

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Greysparkles · 23/09/2020 11:25

OH informed his family tonight that we would be abiding by the rules therefore no indoor visits, and no childcare unless absolutely essential

So only when you need them for "essential childcare" then

swg1 · 23/09/2020 11:28

@LemonTT

You might not be. Local lockdown areas are completely banned from socialising. I'm in one and having similar arguments with family.

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:29

@JayDot500

My BIL who lives at home is like this. He's a doctor and has had a positive antibody test so thinks he can't even carry it, just carrying on like normal even having a group of friends to stay overnight. Other more cautious relatives were surprised we were seeing him at all even before the new restrictions.

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Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:30

@Greysparkles

OH informed his family tonight that we would be abiding by the rules therefore no indoor visits, and no childcare unless absolutely essential

So only when you need them for "essential childcare" then

I'm not sure what your point is. Childcare arrangements are permitted under the law. We are still letting them see their grandson. They can see him almost every day if they want, but outside, as the law allows.

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swg1 · 23/09/2020 11:31

@Greysparkles

OH informed his family tonight that we would be abiding by the rules therefore no indoor visits, and no childcare unless absolutely essential

So only when you need them for "essential childcare" then

I feel like you might be raising your eyebrows and implying advantage is being taken but.. this is exactly the law right now in local lockdown areas - and it took a week to get the exemption for essential childcare so people can work! And if people take the piss it will totally be taken away again.

Heffalooomia · 23/09/2020 11:35

Disengage, covid is a great opportunity to avoid people who are a pain in the ass

swg1 · 23/09/2020 11:36

Raising my hand to join you in the "yep, my family member is doing this too" club. In my case the family member is outside the local lockdown area (I'm right at the edge of it) and has no children. So far I've been told:

Self-isolating (and requesting a test) for a fuss is silly attention-seeking because we can't have it because we "don't go anywhere" (er, playgrounds, libraries, school...)
We can't have got it from school because it's not in their school (a school five minutes from ours has just closed completely because it's rampant).
I'm being ridiculous not sending the kids to her while we're self-isolating.
Why am I so WORRIED about this when she's living life as normal.

Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:37

I completely agree swg1. MIL was having him for 4-5 hours a week plus occasionally if we both had work/university commitments that clashed. Now we're just doing the occasional because I can have him the 4-5 hours, it just makes it harder for me to get my work done. If they were more cautious we might feel able to be more flexible on the childcare front (she wants to have him) but as it is, DH especially is not happy to continue with this.

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Original poster

Blushes197 · 23/09/2020 11:40

swg1 this sounds even worse than our situation. We got tested over the summer due to a fever and nothing was really said but I felt there were raised eyebrows at the fact we got tested when neither of us was very ill. Luckily it came back negative within 24 hours or we might have had more fuss.

Just keep reminding yourself you're doing the right thing, especially if you think one of you has symptoms!

OP posts:

n3wmum20 · 23/09/2020 11:41

I think a lot of grandparents are forgetting that just because they're a grandparent doesn't mean that rules and restrictions don't apply to them.. Babies are still people and technically we're still supposed to be socially distancing from anyone whom we don't live in a household with or whom we haven't formed a support bubble with.
I understand that people want to hold and cuddle with their new additions & all family members but it's for the safety and sake of those more vulnerable, and that's what's most important.

I'm having the exact same problem with my parents and in-laws due to having 6.5 week old baby and no grandparents on either side, friends or other family members have held her yet as we're still supposed to be seeing eachother at a distance. We cannot form a bubble with anyone we're close too as they're all covid exposed due to their lines of work!
Plus we're now in a local lockdown area where there are more restrictions.

Just like you OP the decision we have made hasn't exactly made our lives any easier either - Just have to keep reminding yourself that you're sticking to the rules and you have your child's health and best interests at heart.

ekidmxcl · 23/09/2020 11:59

I think your problem is the announcement.

Why did he feel the need to make an announcement? Like he is the king or chief?

swg1 · 23/09/2020 12:01

Blushes197 - thankfully we got the all-clear Monday, just regular back-to-school plague, not covid!

The thing is I can see where she's coming from. She's an extrovert who absolutely hated the spring lockdown and as a result she's gone complete covid denier; if she insists it's not affecting HER and anyone who is worried is being irrational then everything will be fine.

Meanwhile I'm a single parent who is miserably and reluctantly coming to the conclusion that if things continue as they are I might need to consider a career break because things cannot feasibly continue for another 6 months like this. And being told "oh but I'm fine, I went dancing two nights ago, your nan and I are going for meals, I think you have an anxiety problem" when you are staring down the very real risk of a cold meaning another fortnight at home and an actual covid case shutting the school does not help.

Serendipity79 · 23/09/2020 12:11

I feel for you OP. I too am sticking by the rules and being careful with myself and my children and have had to ensure stress from my mum because her and my siblings think its all a load of nonsense. Any time I mention the restrictions and being more careful I get eye rolling and "Oh she's on one again"....

Covid has really shown me how selfish some of the people in my life really are :(

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