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Covid

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Original poster

WWYD - Visit To Family

51 replies

CovidDilemma · 21/09/2020 22:32

I'm really going back and forth on this, so braving the vipers. NC as identifying.

We live in NI, I'm from Dublin. We had booked a week in Dublin near my parents for early October. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in early July, a couple of days after our DC2 was born. We don't know his prognosis yet but I'm not optimistic tbh.

The trip in Oct was booked to be a couple of weeks after his first lot of treatment, in the hopes he would be well enough to see a fair bit of us. We've booked an apartment so we're not staying with my parents.

Dublin now has more restrictions, and travel in or out of the county is banned. I'm not sure what our position is coming from NI, but clearly in the spirit of the regulations we shouldn't travel. As things currently stand we wouldn't be breaking any NI rules by traveling. Once there, we could just visit my parents indoors (allowed), although we'd likely see at least one friend for a walk. We would like to go for the odd meal out but most places are closed, no big deal.

I really don't know what to do. If we decide not to go, we can postpone without losing any money. But who knows if we'll manage to get a date that suits DH's work and dad's treatment and any later covid restrictions.

I really don't know what to do. I think we all need to do our bit, and I'm happy to make sacrifices (two full-time jobs and no childcare during lockdown, DH only visiting for an hour a day when we had DC2 etc), but this could be my dad's last chance to spend time with our DC (only grandchildren and much adored) while in reasonable health. We video call a lot, but it's not the same. He's only met DC2 once. OTOH, that may prove to be melodramatic.

My mum has no support nearby as my only other sibling lives a flight away. She's awesome and coping well, but I'd still like to get a proper chat with her and give her a bit of a lift as well as dad.

WWYD MN? Go and break the rules, or stay home and do our bit.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/09/2020 08:33

I’d go, or at least attempt to go.

RepeatSwan · 22/09/2020 08:34

@emptyshelvesagain

Dublin now has more restrictions, and travel in or out of the county is banned.

The rest of your post is irrelevant really, you can't go.

This, surely?

Hermanfromguesswho · 22/09/2020 08:34

I’d go. Keep your toddler off nursery for the 2 weeks before so you are all lower risk of passing anything on...

Bl3ss3dm0m · 22/09/2020 11:15

OP you and your DM and DF have my greatest sympathies. Normally I am a strict believer in following the Covid Rules (I am a shielder), but in this case, if you are physically allowed into Dublin, then listen to your gut, and go. Your DM and DF probably really need to see you, so as long as you know that they want to take the risks, and as long as you keep to social distancing rules with everyone else, and for 2 weeks after you go home, then again I really think that you should go. Good luck

cuppycakey · 22/09/2020 12:14

I wouldn't go as I would be too worried about the impact on your father if you passed anything on to him.

IHTC · 22/09/2020 13:22

I would 100% go and see them.

CherryPavlova · 22/09/2020 13:39

Given he hasn't shared any information about prognosis, I think its a bit of a leap (and not a very helpful one) to say he may be dying, but is visiting the pub daily and is generally well.

Having cancer treatment isn't the same as dying - and most people with cancer do not die from it. What makes you so negative about the likely outcome and timescales? It wouldn't be the norm except with a few like pancreatic cancer (where I would understand your concerns that he might be likely to die soon).

In general, exposing someone to an increased risk of any infection when they are about to start chemotherapy, is not a good idea. It is also outwith the current Irish rules.

I'd defer until you knew more details,

TakingTheLowRoad · 22/09/2020 13:41

Travel in and out of Dublin is not banned...there’s no law (they expired in May with the lockdown).

MaxNormal · 22/09/2020 13:42

I would go and see him. Don't listen to others demanding that you sacrifice something so precious when they themselves are not having to make such a sacrifice.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/09/2020 13:56

@TakingTheLowRoad new rules seemed to come in force on 15th September

www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/ireland/coronavirus

notanoctopus · 22/09/2020 14:31

@beela

I think in your position would go, but take dd out of nursery for the two weeks beforehand.

This

TakingTheLowRoad · 22/09/2020 14:39

@ineedaholidaynow
They are labelled “restrictions” but they’re not law.

Original poster

CovidDilemma · 22/09/2020 15:33

@CherryPavlova

Given he hasn't shared any information about prognosis, I think its a bit of a leap (and not a very helpful one) to say he may be dying, but is visiting the pub daily and is generally well.

In general, exposing someone to an increased risk of any infection when they are about to start chemotherapy, is not a good idea. It is also outwith the current Irish rules.

I'd defer until you knew more details,

I don't know why on earth you posted this.

His cancer is inoperable. One consultant told him it was treatable but not curable, another said the treatment was curative. He will have more tests after this first round of radiotherapy and chemotherapy that I suspect will provide the answer. Surgery may become an option but it's a big op with severe long-term consequences and I'm not convinced it would be in his best interests, although of course if there's a surgeon willing to do it, it's his decision alone as to whether he should go through with it.

I know people survive cancer - he's survived bowel cancer three times and my PIL have also both survived different cancers. This is far from our first time on this merry-go-round, but this is the most serious thus far.

I have no idea of timescales if it's not curable, but from here it's likely to be more chemo and/or surgery which will make it unlikely he'll be up to visitors, or not as able to enjoy a lovely toddler of we did go. Not to mention covid restrictions may be enhanced.

OP posts:

CherryPavlova · 22/09/2020 19:51

You said you didn’t know the prognosis. That suggests it’s not yet known. Treatable but not curable or curable both suggest you have time enough to not break the law. It doesn’t suggest dying, as you have said.

I’m sure it’s hard to deal with but that doesn’t mean he might not be cured, apparently. Visiting because someone is dying is very different from visiting on a pre booked holiday.

lunalulu · 23/09/2020 07:03

Ok if essential travel allowed, you must go.

rookiemere · 23/09/2020 07:17

I think you should go and visit him, but it doesn't need a two week break there to do that. Could you change your holiday accommodation so you're close on the NI border side and then go over for a visit during the day ?

alreadytaken · 23/09/2020 08:34

people respond based on the information given - and many people underestimate how many people now live for years with cancer.

Your father should not be going to the pub, he is a risk not just to himself but to the people trying to prolong his life.

If you want to go then take your child out of nursery for 2 weeks, dont see friends while there unless socially distanced outdoors and order takeaways if you want but dont eat out. Anything less than that increases his risk and your mother's risk. You shouldnt want to be responsible for taking the virus to either parent.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 23/09/2020 08:47

I would take your DD out of nursery and isolate for 2 weeks and go if your parents are happy with that.

Original poster

CovidDilemma · 24/09/2020 07:42

Thanks for all the views.

Sorry for flying off the handle, but I do think it's out of line to question someone's assessment of a family member's health when they've given limited info. I think I've also been clear that my concern isn't that my dad is going to drop dead at any moment. I just think it's unlikely he'll be feeling this well in himself and able to enjoy the kids again for a long time, if ever.

As for him going to the pub, I don't love it and neither does my mum, but he's a grown up entitled to make his own decisions.

At the minute, I'm leaning towards going as there's no prospect of any safer time on the horizon. Once down we'll be complying with the restrictions there, that was always our intention, it's just the getting there that's against them.

Any further restrictions to visits in households and we'll be cancelling for sure.

Still waiting for a grown up to arrive and make the decision for me! (Yes, I'm 36 with a professional job and two kids, what of it.)

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/09/2020 08:10

If I was you I'd forget the meeting up with a friend, forget the meals out but I would go see my dad. Take your dc out of nursery for 2 weeks first though.

SoloMummy · 24/09/2020 08:43

@CovidDilemma

Thanks for the more compassionate replies, I'm glad some people can see why I'm debating this!

If this trip was just booked for funsies and dad was well or had a great prognosis, I'd have already cancelled.

Similarly, all parties had discussed covid and their willingness to meet up when the trip was booked, which was just a couple of weeks ago. Dad is obviously very ill, but for now he's pretty well in himself and has been going to his local pub on the days his treatment schedule allows so it's not like he's in some hermetically sealed bubble. DD1 is in nursery, but other than that our risk is pretty low with DH wfh and me on maternity, so it's not like we're a teacher and a nurse with loads of contracts or anything.

I can't shake the feeling that if we cancel we'll just regret it down the line and think of it as a wasted opportunity for time together. But I'm really not one to break the rules, and I do think we all need to be careful.

Gah gah gah. Going round and round in circles. Thanks for the replies, it's helpful to see other views.

If you and oh are at home, I'd keep lo off brusery for 14 days beforehand, so that as best you can, you know you're not taking covid unwittingly to your parents.

rookiemere · 24/09/2020 08:53

I have to say I'd not feel that comfortable holidaying in a country where I'm not meant to be. Totally get you want to see your DF but can't you do that as a day trip and holiday in NI instead?

Original poster

CovidDilemma · 24/09/2020 10:02

@rookiemere

I have to say I'd not feel that comfortable holidaying in a country where I'm not meant to be. Totally get you want to see your DF but can't you do that as a day trip and holiday in NI instead?

I don't really care about the holiday bit, if it wasn't for dad being ill we wouldn't go anywhere. Potty training two year old + newborn = easier to stay home!

A day trip is just as against the rules as staying - it's crossing the county line that's banned, once in our accommodation we won't be doing anything that isn't ok covid wise. Plus it's a 2.5 hour drive each way so a bit long for a day trip with the kids, otherwise we'd be doing it regularly as it would be much easier than packing up a week's load of stuff.

OP posts:

SoloMummy · 24/09/2020 12:10

I agree it's a long drive, but disagree that you couldn't do it in a day easier. Not ideal, but early and late set off. Shared driving etc.

What's the penalty for crossing the boundary line?

alreadytaken · 24/09/2020 12:20

Your father may be older but he is not acting like an adult. He is putting the people who treat him at risk and he is putting other people who need cancer treatment at risk because if he gets this virus he will take medical and nursing staff away from cancer care. He is also putting your mother at risk and you/ your children if you visit him.

It's not at all "out of line" to question people's judgement if they ask for advice. It's "out of line" to get angry because you with held information.

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