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Original poster

Care home - my wonderful gran

32 replies

NNCD · 21/09/2020 02:02

My wonderful granny is being dropped off at the door of a care home tomorrow . We’ve never been inside, my uncle has spoken to the manager on the phone only and we are so dreadfully worried .

She can’t manage alone; she has breast cancer that’s not for treatment, Alzheimer’s and she’s struggling so very much and needs 24:7 help but my God this hurts . My aunty put it perfectly on the phone when she said it’s like giving her away entirely - we aren’t allowed to visit, there’s no phone calls really except for one person, no other arrangements for contact mentioned and we won’t know if she’s happy, scared, or sad.

She’s to stay in her room for two weeks on arrival, staff in full PPE the entire time and she will be terrified and lost. She loves her balcony and her flowers, she’s spent 50 years in her current home and I’m scared that this move will kill her, being stuck indoors alone away from all she knows .

I know care home staff are most absolutely fantastic and we trust the company, have searched as much as you can without getting inside - but so so worried tonight .

Gran knows to an extent, she thinks she’s bought a new home and she must have asked me 40 times earlier if I thought this was the right thing to do, did I know her new neighbours, is there a garden, can we come and visit her ... it’s just awful . There’s nothing any of us can do though is there; just have to hope that it all goes OK.

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 21/09/2020 02:23

Flowers That is heartbreaking.
Thinking of you & your gran.

Rae36 · 21/09/2020 07:08

We are on the verge of a similar decision op. It's just awful. I'm sorry.

Stanleyville · 21/09/2020 07:17

Is she self funding? A relative employed live in carers, (two, so they could do blocks on and off and cover holiday/sick) in a similar situation. It was expensive, but the gran had assets that covered it. My relative had to become an employer and do occasional cover shifts. Obviously eats into any estate that would be left but sounds like the kind of solution that might work here? Otherwise, sounds tough for all involved Flowers

TW2013 · 21/09/2020 07:18

My mother with dementia moved into a care home (pre covid so visiting not an issue) and she is happier and more relaxed than she was before and has made some friends. Although I completely see why they are doing it, I imagine being stuck in one room could feel like imprisonment. Hopefully after that she will start to settle.

CrunchyCarrot · 21/09/2020 07:28

So sorry you are having to do this, thinking of you and your gran today. Flowers

midgebabe · 21/09/2020 07:31

Can't she manage a doro mobile phone ?

moominmomma1234 · 21/09/2020 07:38

Wow so heartbreaking, I had never considered how the pandemic affects people in this situation, thank you for sharing, the care home certainly sound like they have excellent barrier nursing protocols and I hope she will actually be in a very safe place to ride out this winter

Kenworthington · 21/09/2020 07:43

Ah op, I’m so sorry to hear this. I had exactly the same at the start of April, my mum had a huge heart attack two days before lockdown and she never came home, I had to find a care home without seeing it too. It’s weird isn’t it? I wasn’t able to visit til July. My mum has dementia too. It’s been tough. Flowers

FluffMagnet · 21/09/2020 07:50

We're about to do the same with my grandmother. She is currently with my parents and has been for several years now, but her needs are getting too complex for my parents to safely manage and it's making them ill too as they have no break and can't leave her alone even to do a bit of gardening. She doesn't know what's coming, but isn't so away with the fairies that she won't know she has moved. We can't explain why no one can visit as she immediately forgets and she can't use a phone or facetime as she doesn't remember how. Sadly I think this will be the death of her. On the other hand, for a good decade now she has been telling me that she has had enough, has no reason to live and would like to die, so it would be a kindness if she could slip away.

On the plus side, if she and your gran pull through the 2 week's isolation, they will both have more age appropriate company than they have had for a long time and might perk up enormously. Stay strong OP - it is a dreadful.situation but it sounds as though your gran needs dignified care more than the risk.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 21/09/2020 07:54

Utterly heartbreaking.

TweeBree · 21/09/2020 08:01

Do they have internet so you can chat with her and she can see your faces? If you buy her an Amazon Echo Show you can call her without her having to even touch any buttons. You can control it all on your end.

badacorn · 21/09/2020 08:01

Alzheimer’s is a cruel thing. When my grandparent had it, we did everything for them and bent over backwards to give them a good life. I still worried sick about them for years, because sometimes they were suffering, purely because of the Alzheimer’s.

It will be a difficult time for your gran to adjust, but you have done everything you can and the home sounds good.

I worried sick for years about my grandparent and I wish I hadn’t- it was pointless worrying because we had done all we could and you cannot stop the dementia getting worse. I know it’s hypocritical of me to say this to you but try not to get too worried about it. Flowers

Fast90 · 21/09/2020 08:11

Hi OP,

This is heartbreaking.

If she has terminal breast cancer and Alzheimer’s, could you not manage care between yourselves for the short time she has left? Have you explored care package options? If she has the assets to cover it, you could explore live in carers? Sounds very difficult OP

Original poster
NNCD · 21/09/2020 09:52

She does have a lot of assets - she’s quite fortunate in that respect ... I think she’d probably have needed full time live in with two people though and it’s such a wee flat she had ... just isn’t the space ...

I suppose in a care home there’s also - we hope - a little bit more protection from Covid.

We’ve known for some time that she’s becoming more distressed and we think covid has just pushed it over the edge completely ... she’s always been a very proud lady, very posh and she’s ended up doubly incontinent . We can tell she’s distressed by that sadly ...

On her table is endless writings and she’s written how upset she is and the loss of dignity, she wants this to stop .... at least in a care hopefully they can help to manage the incontinence a bit ...

Sometimes you feel it would be a blessing if she could slip away peacefully now - although part of me selfishly wishes she could hang on another year so we can give her one more cuddle and give her a decent send off . She’s had such a wonderful life, and this isn’t it .

Family have explored all avenues - both uncles have young teenagers in school/college and elderly in-laws also in need of care; I’m older but I’m also caring for my parent, and my other gran who is ageing at a very startling rate herself .

Her house was becoming very unsuitable too, she’s in a village middle of nowhere, up two flights of steps and a balcony that was worrying .. fine for her years ago when granda died but not now .

And with Covid the usual support services are all gone - no daycare, no NHS stuff, nothing .

I hadn’t expected Gran to know or to realise what we were doing, yesterday she was very very agitated ... I know she will have been trying to pack - her flat is in such disarray that it’s going to take weeks to get sorted .

I think my uncle thought they have FaceTime capabilities - I sincerely hope so - it would be good for granny if we can keep up some level of contact ... it’s just realising if I dial her house no one will answer now . She’s always done that ‘Edinburgh 567890, X Y speaking’ when she answers the phone ...

I’m so so sorry others are facing this horrendous situation as well - heartbroken is the right word. Hopefully once she’s in today my uncle will get some answers about maintaining contact, if we’d be allowed to send her cards and Christmas presents etc.

Thank you Flowers and love all round Flowers

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2020 13:09

This is so sad. I'm so sorry OP. Hope you get to cuddle her at some stage Sad

Watermama · 21/09/2020 13:13

I'm sorry but care homes are not safer than home help they are significantly more dangerous.
The care homes response seems poor, one person phone call? Most good care homes have gone out of their way to maintain family contact with a variety of solutuons.

TheSeedsOfADream · 21/09/2020 13:14

Oh sweetheart. It's tough but she's going to the best place. My Mum died in her carehome in June but they were wonderful wonderful people. During the whole period when no visits were allowed, they send photos and videos and arrange for Skype calls to relatives and friends. Hopefully your gran's will do the same.
For anyone in this position, there is an ongoing chat in the Elderly Parents section. Come and vent and laugh and cry and have a Brew

TheSeedsOfADream · 21/09/2020 13:17

Prior to Covid they also had parties, events, a children's art class with them once a week, choirs, a bar, pet therapy the lot.
They were so so good. And my Mum improved enormously just from the interaction and care from trained people.

TheGriffle · 21/09/2020 13:18

I’m so sorry NNDC it must be heartbreaking for you all. I vividly remember taking my nan (Also Alzheimer’s) to her care home 10 years ago and it was an awful experience for me and upsetting for her and that was way before any Covid restrictions came into place.

My MIL and now my other nan both have vascular dementia and I think it’s only a matter of time before that ends up being the only option for both of them as well. I haven’t hugged my nan since March for fear of passing something on and we are a very huggy family and it’s so tough.

I hope the move goes ok and you are able to contact her once she’s settled.

FubsyRanbler · 21/09/2020 13:27

My mum’s in a lovely care home, she has a phone point in her room and I just unplugged the one from her house and transferred her number. So she can ring any time, and her number is the same one she’s for decades. After her 14 day isolation, she’ll be in a safe location with staff monitoring her needs and well-being.
I visit weekly, the home set up a booth on the patio with full screens, distancing and I wear a mask. They’re organising a more permanent and winter-proof building for the future, and this seems to be what other care homes in our area are doing. I also drop off bits and bobs, she rings me and I deliver chocolate, socks, books etc.
It’s been 6 months so far, her significant needs are being well met and she’s OK.
I hope your lovely gran settles as well, after the first few weeks, and you see she’s content and cared for.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 21/09/2020 13:44

It’s heartbreaking for you and your gran.

One thing I don’t understand is the reasoning for ‘there’s no phone calls really except for one person’. Have the home explained why?

TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 21/09/2020 14:17

there’s no phone calls really except for one person, no other arrangements for contact mentioned

This is disgusting. I'm sorry but it's not good enough. I appreciate this is the only option available to you all and I feel for everyone in your family having had to make this decision but this is a vulnerable human being we're talking about. There should be daily phone calls and ideally someone helping to set up video calls so she can see the faces of the people she loves. It is fairly unbearable to think of her being without that and I'm a stranger on the internet.

I really hope she is well taken care of and they manage to provide her with some enriching experiences. Can someone in the family sort out some hyacinth bulbs to go in her room? They will grow indoors this time of year and give her something to enjoy looking at. They need minimal care too for the staff to sort out.

cologne4711 · 21/09/2020 15:20

Why on earth can't you visit and sit outside with them?

Mindymomo · 21/09/2020 15:27

It’s so very sad and distressing for you to go through, but at least you are on top of the situation, this must be a very hard decision for you and your family to have to make. Hopefully you will be able to visit in the garden.

AlwaysLatte · 25/09/2020 07:43

Oh it's so hard especially now. My Dad hasn't been allowed to visit his wife in a care home (Alzheimer's) since March, they are being very strict there. If it goes on 6 months it will have been over a year since he's seen her. But the bottom line is their health and safety - it still really sucks though.

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