I’ve left it too late :(

[hopelesswondering]

I had my first baby back in April, I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety which I really think I the pandemic is to blame.

I started CBT and it really helped.
April - August I barely left the house.
I went for a few walks but that’s all I could manage to do.

Mid August I started to do outdoor meet-ups with friends and at the end of August I went for a coffee indoors with my husband and baby.

I haven’t yet been inside anyone’s house and I haven’t had anyone in mine.
In aw just starting to get used to the idea of it happening and now cases have started to rise.😔

I really wanted to sign up to a local baby class and I started to really feel brave, I emailed the course leader and we got a place, but now cases are going up and I’m too afraid to go.

It’s taken months of therapy to get my anxiety under control. I should’ve gone out and done all of these things whilst cases were low. But I just couldn’t.
And now, when my anxiety is under control, the cases are going up and I just feel like we’re heading to another lockdown.

I’m 33, overweight and i have asthma.

I’m staring to feel so anxious again 😔

You can't go back so try not to think about what you should have done. I hope we don't have a full lockdown but if we do we just have to get through it. I bet your baby is having lots of attention from you and you will have a great bond. This will pass and you've done really well.

@ancientgran

You can't go back so try not to think about what you should have done. I hope we don't have a full lockdown but if we do we just have to get through it. I bet your baby is having lots of attention from you and you will have a great bond. This will pass and you've done really well.

@ancientgran

Honestly it’s taken so much hard work to finally feel comfortable to leave the house and do things, and now I feel like all of that hard work is going to revert and the Covid situation will get bad again 😞

Try not to worry too much OP, I know that's easier said than done. But at this stage your baby really only needs you anyway - the lack of social interaction with others doesn't matter as much at this stage as with say toddlers or school aged children. I'm sure your little one will have been perfectly content and cosy all cooped up with you Although of course I can understand it will have been very hard for you.

You've done nothing wrong. You have worked so hard and made so many improvements! What would you have really done differently? Any further restrictions will probably be smaller and lighter. Take things slowly as you have been.

This soon shall pass, like everything else

Ps also missed out on the groups. Oh well.

We're learning to live with this virus and there will be other opportunities!

You have done well OP, so don't be too hard on yourself.

You don't have to stop going out - there may still be plenty of things you can do with others but outside?

• are there any mummy & buggy/baby outdoor fitness classes you can join? Honestly, there are actually very few days in the UK when the weather is too bad to go out and the fresh air will do you both good.

• what about buggy walks with a small group of friends with an outdoor coffee at the end?

• your baby will probably be old enough for the baby swings at the park soon? or a trip to feed ducks/ birds etc

Why not spend an evening scanning local Facebook pages groups/ websites and making a list of all the things you CAN still do (even if outside) and schedule them into your diary?

It's more important for your mental health to get some exercise and socialise with friends regularly. Whether it is inside or outside is irrelevant really (except for the covid issues).

Did the CBT not help you to come up with different approaches you can take to overcome problems you come up against?

I could have written this myself. Severe post natal anxiety, didn’t realise how unwell I was because I had no one to ask what was ‘normal’ and apparently the way I felt was SO far from what was normal. By the time I was looking to seek help, covid happened. Didn’t cope well at all with the first wave, got very much worse and have JUST built myself up to going to parks and for drives to (empty) beaches. And the second ‘wave’ comes. Can’t offer much supportive word and I’m sorry for hijacking with my own whining but one thing to remember is that CBT/ therapy in general isn’t a one-time solution. It’s a set of skills you have put in the work to learn, and you still have those skills no matter what happens. Another challenge has come up for you, but you have more skills now than you had before. And you can remember them and use them. You can do this.

You did the best you could at the time - and that best was impressive in the very challenging circumstances you faced. Don't beat yourself up for it, you need to be compassionate towards yourself.

Is there anything that would enable you to feel able to try the baby class? CBT strategies or other practical things?

Remember a lot of the management for the virus is about limiting contacts not eliminating them. So if you made the baby class your one goal for each week (or even only once!) would that feel more manageable? You would be managing your risk that way and also not pushing yourself so hard mentally that you get overwhelmed.

Have you asked what protocols the class has in place to be "covid secure"? Having that information might also help you feel brave again - I imagine some of your anxiety is because of the rising uncertainty again? So having some certain information to fill in the gaps in your mind about how risky it really is might help.

This is just one possible idea, I can see pp have suggested others, so you can hopefully find inspiration somewhere in the thread to come up with a plan that feels manageable to you but will enable you to maintain some confidence about getting outside.

You made progress before, you will be able to do it again, even if there is a bit of a hiccup partway through. Progress is rarely linear at the best of times anyway!

On a personal level, I share your frustration about this situation disrupting progress and taking away opportunities to build up. It is upsetting.

I get it. We are shielding our student daughter. Huge shock, didn’t expect it. We decided we’d shield together rather than have her isolate from the rest of the household. When shielding paused we decided to take it very slowly, and now we realise we left it too late. Cases are rising and we’ve missed the window to have a small taste of normal life again. But I really believe a vaccine will come in the not too distant future and we just need to dig in till then. Your baby will be fine, it’s just about you finding ways to support yourself now. It’s hard to imagine what that might be with further restrictions probably imminent, but at the very least, try and get out very day for a walk. We realised today we haven’t spoken face to face with anyone for 6 months - but it WILL pass and you will survive it.

Sorry, I just re-read my post and realised it might have sounded a bit insensitive (as in "just go out and do it").
I also suffered from post-natal depression and found it helped to have to make a commitment to something (however small) by putting it on my calendar etc.
I also picked up that it seemed to be the indoors things you were worried about not being able to do, hence my focus on outdoor activities.

@Bimbleboo is right @hopelesswondering about continuing to use the knowledge and skills you learned from your CBT. Hopefully you will have become familiar with how the flow diagrams in CBT help you identify your unhelpful thinking and behaviours and hopefully you will have notes about how you challenged those thoughts and the behavioural experiments you did? You might find a CBT based book like the one below (sorry the link is so long!) helpful to remind you of the therapy you had. You could self refer to IAPT again for online support or you could speak to a private CBT therapist to have a short course of therapy to support what you already know (make sure they’re BABCP accredited, have a look on the CBT register for accredited therapists). In the meantime it would be really helpful if you could find small baby groups that meet outside or other mothers or friends you can meet in open spaces; the social contact and maintaining the positive changes you’ve made so far will be helpful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Anxiety-Books-Prescription-Title/dp/1849018782/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=1006976&hvnetw=g&keywords=overcoming+anxiety&hvadid=259070177708&qid=1600545632&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgL-vjYH26wIVSebtCh36AQn5EAAYASAAEgJJPPD_BwE&hydadcr=28153_1752841&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-40820442&adgrpid=51723892965&hvrand=11746047074572679752&sr=8-1

I’m sure you’ll be fine x just bunker down with your baby.

I had the same last year OP (even before Covid) with postnatal depression and developing a fear of leaving the house. It's really really awful.
If I planned to leave the house on a certain day/time, I would worry myself sick about it for days before it. The only way I managed to get out (which wasnt often) was at the spur of the moment, if I was feeling ok I would just head out there and then, so I didnt have time to worry about it.
If i had to go food shopping, i went first thing in the morning so that i wouldnt spend all day worrying about going.
It's really really awful and I can imagine the fear now with covid aswell.
Would you maybe just go to the first class to see how it goes? If they get cancelled a week or two in, at least you will have had a week or two of classes?
FWIW, I didnt take dbaby to any baby classes, we left the house as little as possible but hes 15 months now and is quite sociable and likes going out so I dont think my behaviour has caused any issues with him.

@user186428036428936

You did the best you could at the time - and that best was impressive in the very challenging circumstances you faced. Don't beat yourself up for it, you need to be compassionate towards yourself.

Is there anything that would enable you to feel able to try the baby class? CBT strategies or other practical things?

Remember a lot of the management for the virus is about limiting contacts not eliminating them. So if you made the baby class your one goal for each week (or even only once!) would that feel more manageable? You would be managing your risk that way and also not pushing yourself so hard mentally that you get overwhelmed.

Have you asked what protocols the class has in place to be "covid secure"? Having that information might also help you feel brave again - I imagine some of your anxiety is because of the rising uncertainty again? So having some certain information to fill in the gaps in your mind about how risky it really is might help.

This is just one possible idea, I can see pp have suggested others, so you can hopefully find inspiration somewhere in the thread to come up with a plan that feels manageable to you but will enable you to maintain some confidence about getting outside.

You made progress before, you will be able to do it again, even if there is a bit of a hiccup partway through. Progress is rarely linear at the best of times anyway!

On a personal level, I share your frustration about this situation disrupting progress and taking away opportunities to build up. It is upsetting.

@user186428036428936

At the class there will be 8 people (mums with babies) everyone is on their own mat 2m apart. Policy is to wear a mask until you get to your mat then you can remove it.

I really want to go but what I’m struggling to get my head around. Is why are we allowed to do this things now, especially when cases are rising, but we weren’t allowed to do these things back in April / May when cases were as high?

OP, just hold on to what you were starting to achieve and be proud of yourself. I am in my 50's, overweight and asthmatic and I am working with Covid patients too, but you really just have to get on with life and follow precautions. Continue to get out and about. Meet people outdoors whilst we still have some sunshine. Keep 2 m apart and in fresh air where possible.

But are cases locally very high? At the moment there are none near me. But I’m aware there are spikes in certain areas?

If the classes are in a well ventilated room you should be fine on a mat 2 m from next mat. If it makes you less anxious you could keep a mask on.

@Wolfiefan

But are cases locally very high? At the moment there are none near me. But I’m aware there are spikes in certain areas?

@Wolfiefan

32 per 100,000 😕

I think you need to take a deep breath and realise the anxiety is talking. Then go out for a walk or do things that are still allowed at the moment while wearing appropriate protecting and hand washing ect so you dont loose the ground you have covered already. If reporting is correct, cases arent as high as they were before when we were in lock down 4,000 a day is not that high in a population of millions, if it makes you feel better look at thecoronavirus dashboard and see how many cases have been in your area and surrounding areas before you go out. I suffer with anxiety too, but I have had to realise alot of my fears are my anxiety talking and when I realise that I feel alot calmer

@Pesimistic

I just wonder how long these things will be allowed for 😞

I think you need to take a deep breath and realise the anxiety is talking

^absolutely this. The anxious mind goes on a quest for certainty. It’s about learning to live alongside a degree of uncertainty. Please make sure you schedule in activities outside your home every day, ideally with another person. You can practice good hygiene, wear a mask and social distance as we are advised to do but it really is wise to avoid your avoidance! It doesn’t matter how long these things are allowed for or even if they have to stop for a few weeks, just keep scheduling in activities and keep up social contact. Be careful with studying information and news reports as seeking reassurance this way may actually maintain anxiety. Better to put your energy into activity planning and making sure you have contact with people outside your home.

I’m a CBT therapist btw @hopelesswondering.

@YouokHun

Thank you! I’m just really struggling to rationalise why we’re allowed to leave our homes now, but we weren’t at the beginning of the year.

There are more measures in place now, which in theory should mean they can respond more quickly to any rise in cases on a local level. If you have not been told to shield, the group should probably be fine. Equally don't beat yourself up if you don't feel you are ready to go. Are you on any meds? Sertaline might help back up the CBT and is ok if you are still breastfeeding.