Dealing with depressed DM

[Goodrace]

Just wondering whether anyone else is experiencing anything similar? My DM is very upset and depressed about the whole pandemic, very anti the lockdown, buying into theories about upcoming mandatory vaccination and all that. Don’t really want to get into a discussion here about the merits or not of her views, more just wondering whether anyone else is having a similarly depressing time with a loved one and what strategies you have found for coping?

Mother is the opposite, complete coronaphobe.

Just leaving her to if tbh. Not much I can do, or rather should do. Everyone makes their own choices.

I agree re the choices but unfortunately no one lives in a bubble, I guess... or at least most people with families don’t. For example, DM is being so difficult re “missing out on weeks and months of the children’s lives, time we never get back” but also not wanting to make the c.40min trip to see us and showing very little enthusiasm for meetings.

I find it so wearing. Everything is negative, I’m constantly second-guessing myself.

Yes I agree. You’re not responsible for your mother though. Families don’t live in bubbles but they sure can have boundaries. Sounds like yours need toughening up tbh.

People suffering with depression don't need "toughening up"

I'm sorry this is happening in your family, OP. I would really struggle to support a family member in your situation, but if you think of it as not your job to "fix" her but simply to travel alongside her in her difficult journey, by staying in touch and saying neutral things like "I'm sorry you feel that way", then you'll be doing a good job and be there to pick her up when/if she wants to be picked up.

Have you thought of speaking to her GP? I've done that before for close relatives who have needed some support, and their doctors were happy to hear from me.

I didn’t mean the opening posts mother needs to “toughen up”.

I meant the OP needs to realise that she cannot solve or deal with her mums depression. She can offer advice and support, but then if her mother fails to take that advice and support, then it is a boundary issue. I work extensively in mental health, psychotherapy in particular.

The opening sentence stood out a mile “dealing with mums depression”... not helping. The word dealing sounds like an obligation. It does become an obligation when certain family members are particularly difficult.

OP, advise and support your mother as best as you can. It is then up to her to “deal” with her depression.

Truly, I wish you well.

@Illusionordelusion apologies - I misread your post. Thanks for being pleasant about that.

Thinking about it, I need to toughen up my own boundaries with regard to my DM.

Thanks, your replies have been helpful. I suppose I struggle to accept that it’s not my fault or “problem” to - exactly - deal with, and that I just need to be supportive and not let it get to me. Rationally I know that’s the case but emotionally I find it very challenging.

It’s really hard to watch someone (DM) struggle so much, especially when it feels self-inflicted to an extent (searching out news on the topic constantly etc).

It’s tough. It really is. Don’t forget about yourself though, it’s tough raising children during a pandemic. Considering yourself in this way doesn’t mean that you lack empathy for your mother, but you can only do so much.

It’s draining being surrounded by negativity, and please don’t second guess yourself. You sound like you are absorbing your mother’s emotions, and believe me, it can get weary.

So make sure you are being mindful of your own boundaries. Fingers crossed your mother sees some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

In the meantime be kind to yourself.

Thanks - that’s good advice which I’m trying to take now as I had a lightbulb moment last night that I’ve been trying to keep everyone happy at quite a cost to my own mental health. Everyone has their limit. Luckily I have a VERY patient and supportive DH, so am counting my blessings- even with this issue looming over me, it could be a lot worse.

I feel for you, it is incredibly hard. I have been dealing with my mum's severe depression all my life. There are times when I have to distance myself just to keep myself sane. I have a lot of siblings, so I at least have people who understand the situation.
My mental health has deteriorated over lockdown and my dd has struggled seeing me at my lowest point. This has made me feel guilty and see my relationship with my mum differently.